Give Your Child the Keys to Succeed

Tags: children, keys to success, success, successful child, teaching children to succeed

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How can we effectively teach our children to succeed and give them the keys that will unlock their potential? That answer probably depends upon your definition of success. It also probably depends on how deeply you take your child’s success to be a part of your own, something from which you draw personal pride and rely on for your own self-fulfillment. If you truly want your child to succeed, you must first make sure it not for your own needs and reasons, but because you see the values of their endeavors for them – with or without the trophy at the end of the process. The lifelong ability to succeed also requires the premise that the success is not always external, not something that others can determine or measure for us.

What are the keys to success?

• Provide him with as many opportunities for self-directed learning as possible. When they pursue their own dreams and goals they are more likely to fight for the cause.
• Place emphasis on the success or failure of the task or activity, not on the child herself.
• Encourage him to look ahead and ask, “What do I see as a marker for success?” Once kids learn to define their own level of success for a given project, they can more easily form a path for getting there.
• Don’t do things for your child that he can reasonably and safely do for himself.
• Don’t take credit for your child’s successes, unless you also want to take all of the blame for their poor decisions and major blunders (thanks, Mom, for this wonderful piece of parenting advice!).
• Don’t emphasize the external rewards, such as colored ribbons or trophies.  Focus on the process and the implications of the progress on the future.
• If something doesn’t go as planned, ask your child what she might do differently in the future. Sometimes the success comes from learning what not to do.
• Teach your children to be their own judges. Ask them questions about how they feel about their actions, words, or accomplishments, and their answers might surprise you.
• Teach your child to be gracious in both defeat and success, for we all experience some of both, and typically spend most of our time somewhere in between.
• Teach your child to be thankful for failures – they teach us to know when we are successful.

The risks of not letting our children fail

Teaching children how to succeed begins with teaching them how to set goals for themselves and providing them with opportunities to work for those goals. Let’s emphasize work here – we won’t be giving them the keys to success if we do the work for them. We can’t be the parents who create the science fair project or write the term paper, then consider the ribbon or A+ grade a success.

It is not easy to watch our children struggle – we have usually spent almost every minute since their births working to ease their paths in life. We want to set them up for success. However, sometimes our wants can get in the way of their abilities to find success on their own. I just spent 7 hours as a judge’s assistant at a local county fair where children in grades kindergarten through freshman in college proudly presented their projects for judging. The projects included everything from the standard fair vegetables, to rocketry, computer science, arts, photography, citizenship, and more. Sadly, amid all of the amazing accomplishments, there were tears from one child who couldn’t answer the interview questions because her mother had actually completed most of the project. Even had the child been able to do well in the interview process, she would always know that she wasn’t the one who worked hard on the project and got the blue ribbon. She was the one whose mother didn’t have enough faith in her to let her try.

The most successful child is one who can take the failure of an idea or plan and recognize the flaws, then do something to improve the outcome in the future. We need to give our children the room to grow, make mistakes, and then support them on their own adventures.

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The more our society advances, sometimes it seems the more we take away from our children. They won’t share the same experiences that we had growing up, and while sometimes that is a good thing – other times it seems we are losing bits of what made us families and friends. Our children are often missing out on 9 special components that made our lives better and our families stronger.

The art of writing Thank You letters

It is a rarity to receive regular thank you letters for small acts of kindness, whether a birthday gift, a lunch with friends, or a shared moment of friendship. There are still those occasional notes that someone of my generation or older manage to eke out with one of those Forever stamps, but gone are the days I remember when it was practically a prerequisite for children to send notes of appreciation. I still try to fall back to my mother’s lesson and teach my children to do the same: if someone was kind enough to take their time or make the effort to better your day in some way, make sure they see it in a Thank You note, neatly hand written. The pace of our world lends itself more to the quickly scrawled, grammatically incorrect short bursts of thanks in an email, text, or voicemail. When we lose the art of the Thank You note, we lose a little bit of gratitude. To whom are you thankful?

Building tree forts and making mud pies

There is nothing that says childhood fun like ravaging the backyard trees with haphazardly nailed boards and filling them with homemade mud pies. My brother and I built countless jungles of sky-high buildings, probably with enough code violations to make a city clerk very busy, but we had eons of fun and learned about gravity and the pain of smashed thumbs the hard way – by falling and smashing our father’s “borrowed” hammer against our nimble bodies. Our parents never worried about too much television viewing time or online predators, just whether or not we would slink out of the trees before dark. When was the last time your child built anything without instructions, a kit, or adult supervision?

Listening to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s stories

I miss those days. Thankfully I have the memories of special times with them that I can pass along to my children. Families used to be closer, both geographically and socially, and we are in danger of raising children without the benefits of their heritage. Do you make an effort to keep close ties with family members, especially those of older generations?

Eating meals together

Drive-thru versions do not count here. It used to be that the norm was being seated around the table, edging each other out for elbow room or the undivided attention of the fellow table-mates. Now families struggle to eat together in the same home, at the same time, on the same day. Family meal times give children not only the opportunities to learn basic manners, but to have unrushed face-to-face time with family members. How often each week do you eat with your family at the table?

Knowing everyone in your neighborhood

Even though I grew up in a rural neighborhood, we knew everyone within a 5 mile radius. We not only knew their names, but knew where they worked, what they like to do as a family, and who served the best desserts after school. My children sadly could not pick out their neighbors in a line-up. We do live in a rural area, but that was not enough of an excuse when I was a child. Do your children really know their neighbors?

Working together on a family project

Cooperative learning begins at home, whether the project is for the good of the household or the fun of the family. Every winter we would chop and haul wood into our home to provide heat during frozen Midwest winters. Yes, I know that makes me sound really old, but I do wish my children had more of that hardworking family time together. When we do work on a project together, it becomes a memorable time for all of us. What was the last project or goal your family worked towards together?

Family road trips – even to the grocery store

Again, it might be my rural background creeping in, but we didn’t just flit around town in the minivan in segregated chunks. We hit the road together in the station wagon, from the grocery store to Grandma’s house. And we were together. We didn’t need cell phones because we were always together, or we were at the neighbors and everyone knew it (and the neighbors). Now I know families who hire babysitters and nannies so they can do their shopping and visiting without taking their 2.5 children along with them. We miss out on family road trip songs, calling shotgun, and learning to fix a flat together. Do you run errands together or fly solo?

Fixing their own things

Perhaps it was because most things didn’t come with a computer chip or software program, but it used to be that if it broke, you fixed it, on your own or with the help of a “buddy”. Fixing whatever it was might take time, but you still persevered and altered your life in the meantime to go without. We now live in a generation of immediate needs and rewards, and in the process have taken ourselves out of the equation for solving many of our dilemmas. Our children are not learning how to do things for themselves or do without. Do you know how to fix your own washing machine, lawnmower, or flat tire? What about your kids?

Being alone

There is an art to being alone and being content with that. There were no emails, voicemails, text messages, or “play dates” to build childhood social skills. Kids were content to play by themselves and explore by themselves. Now it can be rare to find a neighborhood on a Saturday where every event is not a shared activity among kids – t-ball games, bike riding, movie watching, and even video game playing is all done in a group setting. Kids don’t learn how to be their own comforting friend when they are constantly surrounded by preplanned activities with mother selected friends. Can you even remember the last time your child spent one uninterrupted day without connecting with friends?

These are the lost arts and experiences our children are missing. As we make advancements in the social world, our cultures lose a bit of what made them cohesive units of strong individuals. Will you make efforts to keep some of these lost experiences with your children?

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The time we actually set the table for Oval and Charlie, the intriguing house guests who always graced our home alongside our 2 year-old son, I remember the look on my husband’s face. It clearly said, “Do you think it is time for them to leave?” He wasn’t being a rude host. He was concerned about the two imaginary friends our son created, just as we moved into our new home in a new neighborhood. Actually, he was concerned that the 2 new friends meant that our son was not handling the move and our new living arrangements well. It sounds pretty cliché, but it taught us an immense amount about our children and how imaginary friends are not only common, but should be welcomed guests in our home.

Parents used to be told to be wary of imaginary friends.

It was just a few decades ago that parenting and childhood experts such as Dr. Spock felt that when children created imaginary friends it was a sign that they were lacking an emotional connection or ability to express an emotion. Parents were warned to proactively seek out the negative reasons why their children had developed these friends and work to see them quickly out the door.

Imaginary friends have found their places in our children’s lives.

More recent and thoroughly founded research actually shows the opposite. Studies now show that children who create imaginary friends actually have high levels of creativity, richer vocabularies, and even get along better with their peers. Authors Dorothy and Jerome Singer conclude that children with imaginary friends are not typically those who are ill, socially deprived, or isolated. In their book, The House of Make-Believe they discuss how the imaginary friend is not just for the only child, but is a childhood comfort for more than 60% of young children.

Imaginary friends help children express their creativity, work through emotional situations, and provide some pure and simple fun. Rarely do imaginary friends actually signify emotional, social, or cognitive deficits. 

Even if your child has an imaginary friend with a little devious side, it might just be your child’s emotional intelligence trying to work through conflicting feelings. Imaginary friends can provide safe ways for our kids to creatively try out various scenarios where the parameters are fantasy based and lack severe or detrimental consequences.

Years ago we ate meals with Oval and Charlie, included them in our bedtime stories, and indulged our son when he told us they were present. They visited our home regularly, and occasionally we could hear our son speaking to them about his favorite toys, which adventure he was planning, or even what he wanted for Christmas. Even though I was introduced to Oval on several occasions it took me a few weeks to understand that Oval was actually oval in shape and therefor had a challenging time sitting down easily. Charlie was also a unique character, a funny man who wore a fedora and baggy pants. A couple of months after we lived in our new home, Oval and Charlie stopped coming to visit. The comforting memories they gave our son still sit with all of us, including him, and we giggle about how these magical creatures became a part of our family for a short while. There were no lasting detrimental effects, no scars, and no social backward behaviors that developed as a result. It could be my mother’s bias, but I would dare to say that Oval and Charlie were lucky to meet such an amazing young man who impresses me with his maturity and sensitivity, as well as his independent strength. Go welcome your child’s imaginary friend – they too could meet an amazing person waiting to burst forth!

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Do you cringe with embarrassment at the thought of having that discussion – you know the one – about the birds and the bees with your kids? The first problem might be that you are thinking of it as a single discussion, not an evolving and ongoing conversation. The second issue could be that you are still referring to the conversation as one about birds and bees because you are somehow more comfortable living the in the 1960’s when the song that made this phrase famous was performed. So, if you’re cringing, take a deep breath and relax – don’t have a talk with them about the birds and the bees. They are human kids and have a lot more to worry about than the mating rituals of exotic birds. Have lots of ongoing conversations about human life. It really isn’t as frightening as your blood pressure is making it out to be.

Don’t Have The Talk

Stop thinking of it as a singular conversation – a talk. Talking with your children about sex education is about so much more than just sex that it really can’t fit into just one discussion (although some of our parents might have tried that trick). It is important to keep an open, on-going dialogue with your kids about nature, people, conception, birth and all that these things include. If you think about all you know on the topic, can you really imagine fitting that into one neatly tied box of a talk?

Start when they are infants and toddlers with physical body awareness. Kids notice their body parts at very early ages and we need to be careful to teach them healthy self-esteem about their bodies. If you show embarrassment about their curiosity or questions, they will learn to be embarrassed.

Use appropriate terminology and throw the nicknames out the window – not only are they not really cute, but they can be confusing as time goes on for your kids. Woo-hoo and cha-cha-cha are more like beverages and dance moves, not body parts.

Get Some Back-Up

Get some back-up. This doesn’t mean you should buy one book, show it to them once when they are 12, then store it on the top of the refrigerator, telling them it is there when they need it, but clearly letting them know that it can and will be dusted for fingerprints if ever they dare to take another peek. Use books and watch age appropriate programming about sex education together.

I have been thankful for the series by Stan and Brenna Jones, God’s Design for Sex Series, that we started with our toddlers. This particular series starts with a book called the Story of Me (intended for ages 3-5), in which children are introduced to a story of a baby’s birth from a mother’s perspective. The next book, Before I was Born, moves forward in the details of conception and birth. One of my all-time favorite memories of motherhood came after reading that book to my children. After hearing how a woman’s body changed to allow a baby to be born, my 5-year-old son immediately piped up and said, “I am SO glad I’m not a woman.” I reassured him about the process, but we still giggle over his discovery that nature is not always painless.

I also have the Usborne What’s Happening to Me? books for both boys and girls and have found them to answer some of the questions I hadn’t even thought of asking at the time. While giving our kids books on the subject might seem old-school, it truly depends on how you utilize the tools. If you mysteriously hand the books over to your kids, tell them to read them and ask any questions later, then return the book to the highest shelf in the office, yep – it’s your father’s old method. If, however, you keep the books as a part of your family reading collections you keep the stigma away. No matter your theological views, there are books that will fit your family’s needs.

Keep Talking

Take advantage of all of the times when sexual references are made on television, in the news, in music, or even seen on the streets while you are out running errands with your kids. They notice, but often won’t say anything if they feel you are trying to do your best ostrich impersonation. Acknowledge what is right in front of them ALL the time in society and provide your own personal beliefs to the package. Your kids will learn what your ideas are and learn that you are open for conversation.

Don’t show your fear! Your kids will smell your fear a mile away and start their own shut-down mode. Even if they react to your conversations with indifference, they are listening. The older they get the more difficult they might find it to express themselves, but they will hear your words and keep them tucked away for when they need them.

Make a Commitment

Make a commitment with your partner to be proactive about the health of your kids, including sex education and awareness. My husband and I were both very adamant with each other that we wanted more for our kids than we experienced – we wanted them to be comfortable with themselves, confident in their knowledge, and to share a close relationship with us so that we could help teach them about all aspects of life. If we don’t do it, someone else will, and that is a much scarier thought than doing it ourselves.

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Kids and hammers are almost a magical combination. There is a sparkle a boy gets in his eye when he holds a hammer, and that sparkle turns into a mesmerized fire when he also has a nail and something into which he can pound. For moms and dads everywhere, that fiery need to build can lead to parental worries and overprotection – but we need to let them bruise their thumbs as they build and create. Building with hammers, nails, saws (yes – those sharp things that can cut through wood), and even drills is one of the best experiences for your child, even those darling daughters. It is time for us to loosen our protective strings and help our kids build – their skills, confidence, and character.

I was a slight tomboy growing up, swinging through the trees with my brother, building tree forts out of any scraps we could find. So it should have been easy for me to hand over the hammer and nails to my own young kids, but I admit that I struggled with that. I knew that someone would eventually smash a finger – even the best carpenter does at times. I also knew that I was raising 4 kids, 3 of them boys, and I couldn’t shelter them from every scrape and injury. What I have learned since is when we lead them through their adventures we are all better off than if we don’t let them go at all, even with the occasional “owie”.

What can building teach?

Practical skills – Your kids will grow to have their own shelter needs, and there is a real likelihood they might need to hang a door, fix a windowsill, or maybe adjust a cupboard door. Enabling kids to gain low-stakes experiences using tools allows them time to get used to handling tools. Building a birdhouse might not seem like it will give the skills needed to take care of a real house, but no one starts out as an expert. 

Job skills – We just don’t know what paths our kids might decide to take in the future so exposing them to varieties of tools and trades is valuable. Even if it is a high school job at the local market, there might be a need for work with tools.

Personal confidence – Just like the proud smile that spreads across their faces when they delicately hand over a craft foam creation, there is a wondrous glint in their eyes when they announce, “Look at what I built!” It might be a lopsided ramp for their bike, a leaning house for their dolls, or an unparalleled attempt at a piece of usable furniture. My 6 year-old nephew is an amazing whiz with a drill – yes, an adult sized drill. We just started the screws for him in my parents’ decking, and he hoisted the drill and finished setting each one of them. He knows he is capable, is confident about his abilities, and carries his head a little bit higher when he can make a real contribution to the family project.

Personal character – How can kids using tools help build character? Think of all of the things that are necessary for young kids to successfully take tools and create something. Listening skills, abilities to follow directions, respect for safety rules, creativity, attention to details, and more are all parts of their experiences while building. As parents we can work with them to guide their learning, and see their character building as well.

What if I don’t have a carpenter’s thumb?

Today there are so many options for kids and parents, even those who don’t have a building bone in their homes. The options are many, and they will often cost you less than the latest video game sensation.

Look for:

• toy tools for the youngest kids
• foam wood boards on which cutting skills can be practiced
• child sized tools with real world capabilities
• lumber yards that give away scrap wood – our local one sets it outside for free
• kids’ classes at local lumberyards for beginner builders
• kits for kids with easy to follow instructions and all of the supplies
• safe tools for starters – even a tape measure, ruler, carpenter pencil, and multi-function screwdriver

We teach our children how to cut their own food and cut pictures with scissors, and we need to teach them how to use basic household tools as well. There are great rewards in letting our children use tools to create and build, as my son recently reminded me. He thanked me for setting aside my own worries enough to let him learn how to use a hammer, saw, and other tools, building bike jumps, tree forts, and other projects. Even though he has a malformed fingernail courtesy of a mistimed hammer and a scar from a saw, he has built his confidence and character. He has also taught me to love while leading, not holding back.

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Make Good Manners Start at Home

Tags: children, emotional intelligence, importance of manners, manners, teaching children manners

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Where have all the manners gone? That was the sentiment I sadly heard recently as I listened to two elderly individuals speak about several children careening around the local fairgrounds, oblivious to others around them. It’s not the first time I’ve heard adults question the apparent lack of consideration by children, and the sentiment always seems to be the same: children don’t display the manners that many adults value. So, where have all the manners gone?

Merriam-Webster defines manners as the “customary mode of acting” and the “social conduct of rules of conduct as shown in the prevalent customs.” Manners have indeed shifted over the centuries, and history has shown that they often reflect the political, financial, and social structures of the society. So when it comes to our children, how do we know what manners are important in Western civilization, and how do we instill those into them?

Modern Manners Our Kids Should Possess

If you truly consider the needs and benefits of manners, you can see that they are often based on combinations of common sense, traditions, and the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It is important for our children to be aware of social graces and basic manners. Often these are taught by modeling these behaviors, but we also need to proactively discuss with our children our expectations and give gentle reminders.

What matters for manners?

• Greet others with a handshake, eye contact, and introduction or words of acknowledgement. Children should be taught to introduce themselves at very young ages, a skill that will be needed in their social lives, employment opportunities, and schooling.
• Open doors for others, including the elderly, people with arms full of items, or even those not paying attention to their surroundings. While the days of opening doors for women might seem long gone, this simple gesture is still appreciated by many and has changed somewhat to include opening doors for people out of respect and kindness.
• Offer a seat to an adult, especially one who appears to physically need it. This isn’t just for our young boys anymore. I remind my daughter and sons to offer their seats to adults or those who might need them as a sign of respect and common courtesy. I can’t count how many times I have heard surprise in the voices of people being offered a seat, but also gratefulness for the gesture.
• Use words and phrases such as excuse me, please, and thank you. These underrated spoken manners have seemed to fall by the wayside for many families, but are some of the easiest to teach children, beginning with our babies. One of my son’s first words was thank you – and he knew when to use it just by modeling the behavior of those in the house.
• Pitch in and help. Our kids really learn by watching us, and if they see us idly waiting by and hoping someone else might do the dirty work, they will learn the same apathy. Reaching out to others and offering a helping hand is not only good manners, but a characteristic of a cohesive society. When your kids spend the day at a friend’s house, remind them to help with the basics, even things like carrying groceries into the house, especially without being asked.
• Learn to apologize and teach your children the importance of it. When we do wrongs, whether by accident, mistake, or poor judgment, we need to acknowledge those. For children (and adults) this can be intimidating, embarrassing, and difficult, but it is a lifelong skill we all need to practice. Encourage children to apologize when appropriate and help them find ways to show they are sorry – making cards and offering kind gestures are just two examples of how kids can tangibly apologize (and it really does make everyone feel better).
• Share. Kids can learn a lot about the human race by sharing. Encourage your children to share – everything from toys, to time, to ideas. Sharing is indicative of emotional intelligence and the ability to empathize with others.
• Teach your kids phone etiquette. Model for them a polite, clearly spoken phone greeting when answering your home phone, including asking how to take a message. Don’t forget cell phone manners either, including turning off or silencing the phone so it doesn’t interrupt others, finding a private area for private conversations, and the value of texting manners.

Manners Make The World Go Round

Our children need to learn, appreciate, and practice manners in order to become contributing members of our society and cultures. Through their developments of manners they improve their emotional intelligence levels and set themselves up for future successes, in relationships as well as business. Author and business etiquette expert Lydia Ramsey writes about the importance of business manners, many of which mirror basic social graces, and how they truly improve your chances of professional success.

We are all busy with our families, careers, and hectic schedules. These should be no excuses, however, for missed manners and lost consideration. If we don’t take the time to model, practice, and expect good manners from our kids, we risk raising them to be individuals who lack connectivity to their society and the abilities to contribute effectively. It is not old school to have polite manners – it is good teaching.

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If she is feeling stressed, anxious, or even excited, you can find my daughter at the piano, drumming her fingers fluidly across the keys, lost in the notes. For her playing music is a therapy, an outlet, and an extension of herself. For all of these reasons and more, I just told her I don’t think I want her to take piano lessons at college in the fall – I am afraid she will lose her passion and her escape in the trenches of formal and rigorous music lessons.

Research shows clear connections between learning to play music and positive brain development in children. Study after study comes to the same conclusion: children who learn to play musical instruments are more likely to have larger vocabularies, higher reading skills, and even increased abilities to convey emotions verbally. When it comes to children with learning disabilities, learning to play musical instruments also enhances their cognitive functions.

There seems to be endless lists of the benefits of music training for children, including increased memory skills and attention spans. So why don’t I want my daughter to have formal piano lessons while at college? Perhaps it is my rebellious education side, the home school mom in me that says that her piano playing abilities are where they are now because she wanted them to improve, not because she was receiving a grade for her efforts. Or it could be that while the studies show that learning to play music is beneficial, I have not found one study to say that kids need rigorous lessons in order to see the benefits.

My daughter learned to enjoy playing the piano without all of the hype of Suzuki style lessons or formal recitals at age seven. All of my children learned to play the piano from my mother, with back-up from me, in a comfortable and relaxed manner. One son has moved on to focus on the guitar, another plays the harmonica, while the youngest is still most interested in the piano.

I don’t have any doubts about the far-reaching benefits of music lessons for kids. I do have doubts about whether or not the formal lessons will encourage passion or take away personal pursuits.

The drawbacks of lessons:

Cost – The costs can be as much as a vehicle payment each month. Check to see if your school provides lessons or if another friend or family member can help get your children off to a good start with lessons. It takes the “homework feel” out of the lessons when they are with someone your children already know, and it can save your pocketbook.

Time – Driving to lessons, waiting through lessons, and reminding your child to practice repeatedly all add up to hours each week. Make sure your child wants to take on the challenges before your wheels start spinning and your time starts wasting.

Loss of Passion – This is my biggest fear. For more than 8 years my daughter has enjoyed playing the piano, has been an accompanist for her best friend, performed at various public events, and still loves to play. I don’t have to remind her to practice or suggest she give it one more try.

The benefits of lessons and how to apply them:

Children respond positively to music, of that I have no doubt. Just this last year I found a piano teacher who could support and supplement my daughter’s goals. My daughter gets to pick which music she pursues, how many times per month they meet, and learn from an accomplished musician (for an amazingly low financial cost).

Flexibility – Find someone who works with your family’s needs. So many times X amount of lessons are required each week or month, but that can put a strain on your schedule and your budget. Move away from big franchise type music teachers and find an independent teacher. Often these are the people who are willing to tailor the lessons to your child.

Goal Setting – Take some time to set some goals with your child. Learning a new skill is a valuable practice for kids and it can teach them to set goals. It might just be that you want him to have lessons for all of those wonderful benefits, but he doesn’t really want to be there. Make small goals and keep his personal needs in check with your personal goals.

Experts – It is valuable for our children to be exposed to experts in certain fields. When our children take lessons from accomplished musicians they can not only learn valuable music skills, but experience the world through the eyes of the musician. Music lessons taught by experts are also valuable when you don’t have a personal background. My son had a craving to learn the guitar, but I was a piano and percussion woman myself who could offer little to him. He could read music, but still struggled to translate that to the guitar. Our daughter’s piano teacher also teaches my son the guitar, and he has made great strides in one year.

Finding Balance

Learning to play music can translate to cognitive, social, and emotional benefits for our children’s brains. However, in order to turn those beneficial music lessons into a lifelong passion, the music lessons need to be appropriate for your child. The decision is up to my daughter, but I hope that on whatever path she chooses she will still find joy in playing the piano.

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Help Your Child Set and Reach Goals

Tags: goals are important, how to teach children to set goals, importance of goals, reaching goals, setting goals

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The Value of Goals

How many times have people asked your kids, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” This ambiguous question leaves some children dreaming of being the first astronaut to take a horse into space and open an ice cream shop, while other children are left in a mild state of frozen panic because they can’t imagine ever growing old enough to make those decisions. No matter how your child answers that question, we as parents need to take a hard look at how we help (or don’t help) our children set goals and reach them. Goal setting is one of the most important skills we can help our children acquire.

I recently came across an interesting thesis paper that examined the importance of goal setting for children when it comes to their education. The paper in part examined research that shows how disconnected children are from their own academic progress because they are not setting their own goals. Teachers have state and federal guidelines, parents and school boards have specific expectations, and by the time it trickles down to the children, there is little emphasis put on the individual goals that the kids might envision. Therefore, without goal setting, academic progress becomes less important and more difficult to achieve.

As a home school parent I am thankful that I can place much of the goal setting before my children and have them deeply involved with the directions of their studies. While I am still accountable for certain aspects of their education, they are allowed certain latitude for subjects, resources used, and time frames for completion. Instead of entering a classroom where the goal has already been set to finish 80% of the math book by the end of the year, my children can take it upon themselves to move through their mathematics studies at a more progressive speed so that they can move onto an advanced science course earlier than otherwise possible. This type of self-direction and goal setting is imperative for children in their academics.

The thesis paper specifically examined the effects of having students in grade 5 set goals to help improve their writing skills. Once the children were given opportunities for self-direction, dramatic improvements were noted. The literature review also revealed what many parents probably already know: when children have a vested interest in the outcome, they are more motivated and willing to do the work to achieve the end result. Children who learn to set goals develop their self-confidence and increase their abilities to independently find success.

How can I help my child learn how to set and achieve goals?

• Start when your kids are young and keep it simple. Even explaining to a 3-year-old that the goal for the morning is to get dressed, eat breakfast, and drive to the library helps to establish the word goal into the vocabulary with easy to reach measurements.
• Set good examples by sharing with your children your own personal goals, how you are reaching for them, and what sometimes gets in your way. Last year my husband set a goal to enter his first race, and soon he had my son on board to share that same goal. They trained together, raced together, and are continuing to train for their next events. Sharing in the struggles and triumphs is a wonderful way to help kids achieve their own goals.
• Define the difference between long-term and short-term goals for your kids. Let them know you don’t expect them to decide on their career today, but that a long-term goal might be owning you own business someday, and a short-term goal might be finishing that science project by Friday.
• Demonstrate how to set mini goals and encourage your kids to do the same. Instead of asking them what they want to be in 30 years, make small daily and weekly goals. Finishing a building creation, biking 3 miles a day, or even reading 30 minutes every morning are reasonable goals. Achievable goals help set kids up for success and make it more likely that they will accept new challenges and make new goals.
• Don’t allow a pattern of quitting to exist within your child. If your child makes a commitment to a project, encourage them to see it through to completion, even if it isn’t the journey either of you expected. Allowing kids to quit whenever the going gets tough just reinforces to them that you didn’t have faith in them to get the job done.
• Help your kids reach their goals by regularly checking in with them on the progress and offering tools that might help them reach their goals. Make sure you also teach them how to define steps within the process that will help them succeed.
• Help your kids to recognize the value of internal rewards for goal completions. If you offer a toy or money for each goal reached it takes away the value of the task. Children should be encouraged to acknowledge pride in their efforts, and as parents we can affirm for them the strengths it took them to achieve their goals.

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