The Little Things Parents Do to Encourage Dishonesty
If you ask parents if they want their children to be honest, rarely will you find one who doesn’t. However, there are so many times on our journey of parenthood that we are actually teaching our children to be dishonest, even (and perhaps especially) when we don’t realize it.
Have you ever reminded your child not to complain about his cousin’s dying bird imitation, aka her flute solo, and instead clap and show appreciation? Have you ever told your child not to tell Grandma that her Christmas ham tastes like rubber? The authors of NurtureShock, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, ask us to consider how we subtly teach our children to cover up their thoughts, opinions, and reactions. We teach them that lying is sometimes the polite policy. Unfortunately, children are not always equipped to understand the differences that adults see, and they become used to being insincere.
Is Honesty the Best Policy?
Honesty might be the best policy, but for a family that lives near to me honesty can come with a price tag. A set of 11-year-old identical twins and their father were attending a hockey game when one of the son’s names was called as part of a raffle gimmick – make the nearly impossible 89’ shot into a hole not much larger than the hockey puck and win $50,000. Young Nate stepped onto the ice and sent the puck sailing into the slot, earning him the hefty prize. However, as only seen in the movies, Nate had actually stepped in for his identical twin, Nick, whose name was actually called. Nick happened to be outside the arena at the moment so Nate, with the knowledge of his father, stepped in to replace his brother.
Here is where the lying and the lessons get tricky. No one mentioned that evening that the boy who made the shot was actually Nate. However, the next day the father called and informed officials that Nate was the one who made the outstanding shot, and said he was coming forward because he wanted to teach his sons about the value of honesty. The cost might be $50,000 as the insurance company reviews the situation and determines whether or not to pay the boy for the shot.
Local and even national news organizations have been covering the story, highlighting the positive role model the father is being, while local radio personalities are criticizing his decision, saying that he should have just let the boy get the money for college because he wasn’t taking it away from another family. How can we teach our children to be honest individuals if we allow or encourage them to make false pretenses?
I feel quite strongly that the boy should have never been on the ice in the first place. Where was the policy on honesty before he took the shot? There has not been much mention of how the father, who most likely knew the differences between his sons, was comfortable with letting one son pretend to be the other. According to Bronson Merryman parents too often show an “ad hoc appreciation of honesty.” It is from this disregard for honesty that our children learn to lie, and learn that adults lie and call them exceptions or adjustments.
I really don’t care if the boy earns the money or not – either one of them. If the prize was intended for the person who could make the incredible shot, then Nate qualified. Did the father’s decision to call the next day teach his sons about the importance of honesty, or that honesty can come with a heavy cost? Is there a risk to this approach that teaches the boys that by telling the truth they will kiss away what is likely to be the most money they have ever known, thus having a negative impact? How would the situation have been different had the father not allowed his son to take the shot in his brother’s place? Sometimes the lessons we hope we are teaching our children turn out to be dangerous messages in disguise.
Does Money Make a Difference?
One major point of contention I have with the radio personalities who criticized the father for coming forward is that they claimed that the family must be wealthy to be willing to risk losing $50,000. I take offense to the idea that parents should and do make decisions based on bank accounts. There are many prices we pay as parents for our decisions and parenting strategies, but the biggest price we could pay is to assume that money can replace character. Parents with all sizes of wallets make positive, nurturing decisions every day for their children, regardless of monetary prizes.
There are many reasons why children lie. Dr. Sears outlines several, including the desire for social acceptance, to hurt someone, and to avoid punishment. Nowhere on his list is the pursuit of money. While some children do lie in order to achieve personal gain, it is a reckless generalization to say that only those who can afford to be honest teach their children about the value of honesty. To reduce truthfulness to a monetary issue takes away from the real core idea of strength of character, something on which there is no price.
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