Is Your Youngest Child Spoiled?
A very frightening thing occurred in our home. I found out that I had failed to teach my youngest (age 8) how to vacuum the carpets. I had visions of birth order prophecies coming to fruition, and shivers up my spine about “spoiled” younger siblings.
The 3 boys had just finished cleaning their room and I asked my youngest to vacuum the carpet. He willingly grabbed the central vacuum and began, but started shouting over the hum how amazing it was that it was self-propelled. It was when he yelled, “This is so cool! Why didn’t you show me how to do this before?” that I realized my serious errors. I had no good answer for him, other than that I am probably using too much of a top-down approach when it comes to the expectations and activities I give my children (and that sounds too boring to tell him). It is not that he was just sitting around and not helping – I admit I was probably choosing easier tasks for the younger siblings.
Can We Spoil Our Children?
Yes. I am not referring to the pampered, indulged child who receives everything she asks for before she even asks. I am talking about spoiling our children, particularly the younger ones, because we fail to acknowledge all of their capabilities in light of other siblings in the home. We spoil for them the opportunities to shine and try new challenges.
I think it might be an automatic response to give older children the more complicated or time consuming responsibilities, but I think it is a disservice to fall prey to the age game. It is one of the dangers of the sibling effects that are written about and studied. While I don’t buy into all of the theories about birth order, I do see how birth order can impact development, experiences, and world-perspectives. Now I am making more efforts to be certain that my youngest, or any of my children for that matter, aren’t given experiences based on the pecking order in the house.
What does birth order have to do with it?
Authors on the topic of birth order claim that children are almost destined to develop certain characteristics based on their birth order. Dr. Leman also discusses the differences between calendar birth order and psychological birth order.
If we believe birth order theory proponents, the youngest children have great people skills, are very social, and are risk takers. They also fear rejection and are more likely to be self-centered than their older siblings. These characteristics of fear of rejection and ego-centered behaviors are what I find dangerous possibilities when using a top-down approach in parenting. Who can blame our kids if they grow up to feel inadequate or feel they don’t have to do the same as others around them if we don’t give them the opportunities to try?
How can we make sure we don’t spoil opportunities for our kids?
I have been giving this idea much thought and energy recently and working to implement a different approach in our home that doesn’t rely on older, stronger, or more experienced as factors for assigning chores or offering opportunities.
- Make certain that opportunities are available for everyone – and yes, vacuuming is an opportunity.
- Refrain from going for the easy fix. Yes, it would be faster and I might feel safer about cleaning supplies being used if the two older kids cleaned the kids’ bathroom, but there really is no legitimate reason why the younger two can’t share in the duty equally.
- Ask the kids what they want to do, and do it in no particular order each time. Everyone gets a voice and gets their fair share.
- Remind myself of the differences between fair and equal.
- Let the younger kids teach the older kids. This can be a board game, sport, or how to make a special dessert. Putting the youngest in the driver seat builds self-confidence and independence.
My new goals are derived from looking at the activities from a different approach – to give responsibilities that are challenging to my younger children, even if that means the teenagers don’t have to do much that particular time. This is not in an effort to give an easy ride to the older kids, but in order to pave a smoother way for all of my children. I need to give them all opportunities for everything from vacuuming to snow skiing, especially if I’m going to prove the birth order theories wrong!
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