Tips for Raising Respectful Children
One of the greatest gifts we can teach our children is how to be respectful. It is a gift because one of the ways we can best teach it is by giving it to them, and when we respect our children, we open a door of wonderful possibilities in our relationships with them and their place in the world.
Can respect really do all of that? Absolutely. Respect is not the same as obedience, where children make decisions and choices because of the consequence they might face as a result, or because they have learned that they simply have to follow the rules.
Respect Begins at Birth
Respect is not a tangible or black and white guideline for parenting and life. It is a set of behaviors, reactions, and attitudes that we must begin to instill in our children from their earliest days with us. The best way to teach a child how to respect others is to respect your child and others in your life. You begin doing this when your child is still an infant by:
- Respecting her need for food, even at 3 in the morning when you are exhausted
- Respecting her need to snuggle, even though you have already snuggled for 23 hours today
- Respecting her need for conversation, even if it is one sided and she just wants to hear you sing
Respect and the Growing Child
By reacting to our infants with respect for their needs, we lay the basic foundation for them to offer respect to others. As our infants grow and develop we can continue to show them respect through our own actions.
- Be polite and use basic manners yourself, such as please, thank you, and excuse me.
- Demonstrate concern for the welfare of people, animals, and the environment.
- Listen to your child, maintaining eye contact and responding when appropriate. This might seem like a no-brainer, but how many times do you see parents less than half-listening to their children tell them about their day? Is that how you want your child to listen to others?
- Make certain you say what you mean and mean what you say, demonstrating your reliability to your child and those in your lives.
- Parent fairly. Don’t jump to conclusions, but instead hear out the concerns and words of your child before make a decision or reaching a conclusion.
Respect and Teenagers – Is that Even Possible?
While these might all seem like simplistic ideals that we might think we already do on the surface, chances are most of us parents can improve on these in their own lives. As our children get older, it might seem harder to give them respect when they misbehave. Here is where the important distinction lies. Keep separate your reactions to their mistake or misbehavior and how you treat them as a person. Respect is a proactive way of treating others, while discipline for misbehaviors is a reactive way to deal with poor choices. You can continue building a mutual relationship of respect with your tween and teen in several ways.
- Believe in your child and support his dreams. If he wants to become an astronaut, help him find out how to do that someday.
- Teach your child about goals by working toward some yourself. Share with your child how you plan to make sure you are able to complete a project or achieve your goal of running in your first race. Better yet, find goals you can work towards together!
- Talk with your child openly when you see instances of disrespect. Sometimes the easiest way for kids to learn something is for them to see someone do the opposite. Ask your child why he thinks the way the child at the mall was disrespectful – engage his sense of critical thinking and empathy and you will help him develop respectful behaviors.
- Respect your older child with rules that they understand. For example, if you have a rule that there is no computer from 5:00 to 7:00 on weekdays, make sure you also explain that this is because it is family time and homework time, two important values in your home.
- Give your child the freedom to make choices and create their own small steps toward independence. Doing this shows respect to them that you believe they can make decent and appropriate choices. It might not be easy to let go of some of the control, such as letting them choose their own wardrobes, hairstyles, or room décor, but it is better to choose some small changes you can live with a smile than to fight every step of the way. Neither parent nor child will feel respected this way.
When you teach your child to be respectful by giving them respect, you also do one of the most valuable things a parent can do. You help instill self-respect in your child. This self-respect allows our kids to not only treat others well, but to be strong enough to handle life when others don’t do the same in return.
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