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Separate Vacations Can Be Just the Right Thing for Your Family

Moms and dads should always vacation together and share hobbies, right? Let’s change the question. How boring would we be if we only loved the exact same things, only wanted to do them with each other, and always felt we needed to share every activity? Separate mini-vacations can provide parents with the opportunities to pursue their own favorite things to do. They should not be replacements for time together or requirement to survive life at home. Instead, they should be additions to your family life that make your marriage and your family more fulfilling.

Why Taking Care of Yourself is Not Selfish

Marriage requires work, commitment, compromise, and trust that allows for both partners to have individual space. In 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, readers are introduced to a married couple who are like so many parents – they have become so child-centered that their own needs have been pushed aside and their entire family is suffering for it. The Gottmans remind parents that problems can develop when well-intentioned parents actually end up using their kids as excuses for neglecting their own relationship needs.

Their research has also shown that children who have parents who place priority on their own marriage and respond to their partners’ needs give their children the examples of healthy relationships that their children need in order to eventually have their own healthy relationships. There is less family tension and children are less likely to develop depression or become withdrawn.

The Gottmans encouraged this couple to take time for their own marriage and their individual adult needs. As part of this the husband planned a separate vacation doing an activity with a friend. While this required the wife to be responsible for the children and household duties during this time, it was also a way for her to acknowledge her husband’s needs and express her love for him by wanting him to do something for himself.

How to Make Separate Vacations Work

Make certain each partner feels that the decision is fair. The vacations don’t have to be for the same length of time or even cost the same amount of money. The most important thing is that each partner feels that he or she has an equal opportunity for his or her own activities and interests. For my husband this means looking forward to his hunting and golfing each year. He doesn’t really understand why I don’t take my own “girl vacations” and has told me several times that he wishes I would each year. However, for me the best vacations are my short strolls through the nursery inhaling the scents of the flowers, the afternoons spent Christmas shopping for exactly the right gift for my children, or an evening out with girlfriends for coffee and pie. I truly treasure these moments and savor my time spent doing what I choose, and feel like I can take more of these very mini-vacations throughout the year because they can happen more easily.

While one parent takes a short vacation, the other can provide care for the kids, saving babysitting costs and general concerns about childcare. When the vacationing parent comes home, it is good for him or her to give the other parent a break, acknowledging the extra time and energy that was spent parenting solo for that period of time. It is also important that there is still time, energy, and funding for joint vacations or time away together as a married couple to refresh and renew that committment.

Twice a year my husband takes his own mini-vacations, one for the elusive deer he hunts on his childhood farm, the other for a steak eating, golf club swinging guy adventure hosted by his uncle. These give him the opportunities to spend time with family and friends and continue traditions that were started years ago, some before I ever met him. These individual vacations also give him the time to recharge his batteries (his own descriptive cliché) and are activities that he truly enjoys. I’m not a hunter (unless it is for a bargain at the mall), and my golf swing is scarier than my tennis swing. I know that supporting him in his own interests is a gift I can give to him and to our children, without sacrificing my own needs. Marriage is really a two-way street, and it is OK to send your spouse down the road alone once in a while.

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In our fast paced lives it can be difficult to make caring for grandparents, great-grandparents, and elderly neighbors a priority for our children, but we do an extreme disservice to all of them if we don’t place value on these relationships. Some of the greatest lessons we can teach our children are about caring for older generations, learning from them, and easing the age gap by increasing shared experiences. It is important that we help our children create relationships with the elderly populations in our communities.

The Lessons That Older Generations Can Teach Our Children

Not all children have grandparents who are close in proximity or parts of their families, but nurturing and encouraging bonds between your kids and older generations is valuable to their development of emotions and social awareness. There are numerous benefits that your kids will receive from these relationships.

• A true sense of and appreciation for history
• Wisdom from people who have made mistakes and lived to tell about them
• Supportive adult role models who are interested in their lives
• Lessons about practical tasks such as cooking, vehicle maintenance, and many other skills
• Realistic expectations and lessons about the aging process
• Experiences with individuals who might otherwise be out of your kids’ comfort zones – in wheelchairs, struggling with memory problems, and other age related issues

Children who have relationships with the elderly have opportunities to gain perspectives and knowledge about a very large population in our society. The economy, healthcare, politics, and community resources all have various focuses on older generations. As children learn more about the needs of this population they can deepen their understanding of these issues and broaden their definitions of their social worlds.

I have heard from parents who prefer to keep their children at more than arms’ length from the elderly population, worried that their children will be uncomfortable around or even have poor social skills with that population. They sometimes also worry that their children will experience too much sadness or loss by befriending someone who most likely will not outlive their child’s adolescence. The risks are far too greater, however, if we don’t make relationships with the elderly valued parts of our children’s lives.

My sons have all learned that chivalry is alive and well for older generations, and they are able to charm the women with their smiles and talk about fishing or building tree forts with the men. Recently my 10 year old son held the door open for an older woman (thankfully a fairly automatic gesture for him), and he was surprised at how this stranger took several minutes to tell him about how wonderful it was for him to do that, and that many kids “nowadays” don’t pay any attention to “old people”. I am thankful that her words made an important impression on my son and reminded me that we can’t allow our children to miss out on treasured time with the elderly in our communities.

The Gifts Our Children Give in Return

In turn your children will provide many gifts to the older adults in their lives, whether they are grandparents, great-grandparents, friends, or neighbors.

• A connection to youth that helps them to feel involved and invigorated
• Lessons about things that might be intimidating such as computers and technology
• Companionship that can increase mental and physical health through conversations and shared activities (going for walks, playing games, etc.)
• Decreased dependence on only one or two family members or caregivers as older children can even give rides for grocery shopping or help with home maintenance

Help Your Children Reach out to Older Generations

Don’t forget the importance of taking your children to nursing homes and assisted living facilities, even if you don’t have any family or friends as residents. Many of these places welcome visitors who can come and interact with residents and provide sources of conversation and friendship. When children are exposed to these environments at early ages they are more likely to become comfortable in such settings and be able to understand issues that the elderly face, such as immobility, deteriorating health, and communication barriers.

Encourage your kids to help their elderly neighbors with yard work or household errands or chores. Get young children involved with making snacks for and delivering them to the elderly. When they see you actively caring for older generations they will see the importance of the time invested. Teaching our children to value life, even when it might make them uncomfortable, helps them develop deeper connections to their entire community.

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The Little Things Parents Do to Encourage Dishonesty

If you ask parents if they want their children to be honest, rarely will you find one who doesn’t. However, there are so many times on our journey of parenthood that we are actually teaching our children to be dishonest, even (and perhaps especially) when we don’t realize it.

Have you ever reminded your child not to complain about his cousin’s dying bird imitation, aka her flute solo, and instead clap and show appreciation? Have you ever told your child not to tell Grandma that her Christmas ham tastes like rubber? The authors of NurtureShock, Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman, ask us to consider how we subtly teach our children to cover up their thoughts, opinions, and reactions. We teach them that lying is sometimes the polite policy. Unfortunately, children are not always equipped to understand the differences that adults see, and they become used to being insincere.

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

Honesty might be the best policy, but for a family that lives near to me honesty can come with a price tag. A set of 11-year-old identical twins and their father were attending a hockey game when one of the son’s names was called as part of a raffle gimmick – make the nearly impossible 89’ shot into a hole not much larger than the hockey puck and win $50,000. Young Nate stepped onto the ice and sent the puck sailing into the slot, earning him the hefty prize. However, as only seen in the movies, Nate had actually stepped in for his identical twin, Nick, whose name was actually called. Nick happened to be outside the arena at the moment so Nate, with the knowledge of his father, stepped in to replace his brother.

Here is where the lying and the lessons get tricky. No one mentioned that evening that the boy who made the shot was actually Nate. However, the next day the father called and informed officials that Nate was the one who made the outstanding shot, and said he was coming forward because he wanted to teach his sons about the value of honesty. The cost might be $50,000 as the insurance company reviews the situation and determines whether or not to pay the boy for the shot.

Local and even national news organizations have been covering the story, highlighting the positive role model the father is being, while local radio personalities are criticizing his decision, saying that he should have just let the boy get the money for college because he wasn’t taking it away from another family. How can we teach our children to be honest individuals if we allow or encourage them to make false pretenses?

I feel quite strongly that the boy should have never been on the ice in the first place. Where was the policy on honesty before he took the shot? There has not been much mention of how the father, who most likely knew the differences between his sons, was comfortable with letting one son pretend to be the other. According to Bronson Merryman parents too often show an “ad hoc appreciation of honesty.” It is from this disregard for honesty that our children learn to lie, and learn that adults lie and call them exceptions or adjustments.

I really don’t care if the boy earns the money or not – either one of them. If the prize was intended for the person who could make the incredible shot, then Nate qualified. Did the father’s decision to call the next day teach his sons about the importance of honesty, or that honesty can come with a heavy cost? Is there a risk to this approach that teaches the boys that by telling the truth they will kiss away what is likely to be the most money they have ever known, thus having a negative impact? How would the situation have been different had the father not allowed his son to take the shot in his brother’s place? Sometimes the lessons we hope we are teaching our children turn out to be dangerous messages in disguise.

Does Money Make a Difference?

One major point of contention I have with the radio personalities who criticized the father for coming forward is that they claimed that the family must be wealthy to be willing to risk losing $50,000. I take offense to the idea that parents should and do make decisions based on bank accounts. There are many prices we pay as parents for our decisions and parenting strategies, but the biggest price we could pay is to assume that money can replace character. Parents with all sizes of wallets make positive, nurturing decisions every day for their children, regardless of monetary prizes.

There are many reasons why children lie. Dr. Sears outlines several, including the desire for social acceptance, to hurt someone, and to avoid punishment. Nowhere on his list is the pursuit of money. While some children do lie in order to achieve personal gain, it is a reckless generalization to say that only those who can afford to be honest teach their children about the value of honesty. To reduce truthfulness to a monetary issue takes away from the real core idea of strength of character, something on which there is no price.

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Our brothers and sisters are there for us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk.

Author Susan Scarf Merrell penned these words that exemplify the importance and value of sibling relationships. As a mother of 4 children I desperately strive to nurture relationships between my children that will provide them with the kind of relationships that only siblings seem able to provide. Research has shown that as parents we can provide a powerful gift to our children when we foster positive relationships for them with their siblings. While we all might experience our moments of sibling rivalry, there is a common vine of friendship that can only be woven between brothers and sisters, and as parents we need to make certain we do all that we can to nurture these relationships.

As I was reading a research paper written for the Child Trends’ Positive Outcomes Conference (March 2003) about the influences of childhood relationships with siblings I kept coming back to a particular part in the paper. It discusses how the value of sibling relationships is understudied in light of the fact that it is the longest lasting relationship any of us will most likely experience. Most children know their siblings from birth, outlive their parents together, and spend more years as siblings than as spouses, parents, or employees.

The paper also reiterates through literature reviews that just as nurturing and loving sibling relationships can help to foster respectful and caring friendships later in life, sibling relationships fraught with strife and conflict can actually teach children to interact with others in those same negative ways. Given this premise, it seems even more important that we as parents work to provide environments where sibling relationships can flourish and mature.

How to Help Brothers and Sisters Avoid Rivalry

Sibling rivalry often stems from struggles to exert independence, autonomy, and personal freedoms. While these can be valuable traits to seek, they don’t have to be won at the expense of the sibling relationship. Parents can do several things to create positive environment in which their children can deepen their brother/sister friendships.

• Treat siblings equally and don’t foster favoritism within the family.
• Speak respectfully and lovingly about your children with their siblings.
•  Allow for space, both physical and emotional, between your children.
• Provide them with opportunities to share special activities with each other.
• Give them positive examples of healthy relationships with your own siblings.
• Give them reasons to laugh together – even if it is at your expense – for someday they may have to grieve together over their loss of you.

Diverting Sibling Rivalry

If your children are typical, they will display some sorts of sibling rivalry at various points in their lives. During these times it is important to try to respectfully steer their bickering ships in new directions.

Let them work on their own conflicts, but don’t be afraid to step in if you see or hear behaviors that just don’t sit right with you. Just make sure that you tread carefully and don’t appear to take sides.

Instead of focusing on who you think might be right, ask your children to see the situation from the other’s point of view. Then ask them to verbalize what type of outcome they think would help the situation. For example, if the kids are arguing about which game to play, possible solutions might be to take turns, flip for it, or choose a 3^rd possibility to which both agree. Compromise is never in short demand for sibling relationships, so help them to work on this important skill together.

Look for patterns of sibling rivalries, such as every evening after dinner there is conflict over who helps with the dishes or gets to pick the television show to watch. Sometimes it is more about the time of day than the actual activity. If you see their patience with each other start to dwindle by evening, try to encourage alternate activities in the evening that will give them each their own space.

Don’t get sucked into the mantra that siblings will fight, or you might risk giving them permission to treat each other poorly. Set clear expectations for treating siblings with respect and warmth and make sure they follow through with them.

Treasure their Sibling Relationships and Teach them to Treasure Each Other

There is something magical about the relationships we have with our brothers and sisters. They are truly our introductions to friendships and can be the tones we set for future relationships. Not every day in my home is filled with sibling harmony, but today reminded me of the rock-solid value that sibling relationships have. By choice, my sons decided to rearrange their bedrooms so that they all share the same room for sleeping (thankfully there is one huge room to accommodate this), and then have another for their desks, bookshelves, and a special guy place for playing games.

Every bedtime since I can remember they have gathered together in one room for bedtime stories, either read by me or their dad, or provided by books on CDs. Today as we shuffled bedframes and chairs, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude that they were excited to share traditions and make memories together, all while building their bonds of brotherhood. The fact that they want to share a room because they truly enjoy spending time together is one of the greatest gifts they could give me. Now let’s hope this magic doesn’t wear off before my back recovers from furniture moving, but for now I will relish in the peace of their sibling un-rivalry.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.

Marc Brown

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Is Your Child Ready to Stay Home Alone?

Tags: age to stay home alone, child home alone, home alone, responsibility, staying home alone

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There are many milestones in the lives of our children, but it might be hard for us as parents to know when our child is ready for the milestone of staying home alone. The first thing every parent should do is check with state laws regarding the minimum age your state has set for kids to stay home alone . Illinois requires children under age 14 to have supervision, while other states like Minnesota don’t have any age minimums. Some other states give age minimum guidelines, but do not have actual laws in place for safe guarding kids. Once you make sure that you are following the legal rules for this step towards independence (for both you and your child), there are other things to consider.

Age vs. Maturity – Age might be a legal issue in your state, but it does not necessarily mean that a child is prepared for the responsibility. Maturity levels and emotional intelligence are all components in determining the right time for your child to make this step. If you don’t feel your 14 year old is responsible, you don’t have to let her stay home alone just because the law allows it.

Location – Not every family lives in a cozy neighborhood, at the circle drive with caring neighbors on all sides. Make sure you take into account the external environment that will be enveloping your child.

Prior Behaviors – You know your child and past behaviors have taught you what you can expect when your child is left alone. She should have a track record of making good decisions and possessing critical thinking skills that enable her to assess situations and independently decide right from wrong, safe from dangerous, and acceptable from “mom would not be happy”.

Preparing Them for Safe Success

These considerations require you as the parent to objectively look at the situation and determine if your child is really ready for this milestone. If you feel your child has a history of mature decision making skills, balanced by an appropriate age, then there are other things you can do to make staying home alone a safe option.

Start with a Short Amount of Time
The first several occasions your child stays home alone should be for short periods of time. You might even want to just leave him home alone in the house while you take 15 minutes to walk to the post office and back. One to two hours is a good limit to set for leaving your child home alone until there is a pattern of safe and responsible behaviors while you are away.

Choose the Best Time of Day
The time of day your child will be home alone can greatly impact her safety and security, as well as your own comfort levels. Night time, or even a winter day when it is dark by 5:00, can add heightened levels of worry and fear, so allowing your child to stay home alone during daylight hours is best, especially when this is a new experience.

Stay within Range
It is important for those first few times to remain within close range of home so that if your child becomes anxious and wants you to return you are able to do so in a reasonable amount of time.

Plan for a Boring Time
When you leave your child home alone you should set boring and mundane guidelines – it helps to reiterate that this is not a wild and crazy time when Mom and Dad are away.

• Do not allow your child to use the stove or oven to prepare food.
• Plan for your child to eat before or after her time alone, but not during. Eating presents just one more hazard – choking – that can be avoided by limiting meals and snacks while home alone.
• Keep it a solitary event. If you have other children it is best not to leave your oldest child alone with them as a babysitter before she has stayed home by herself. Build up to that extra responsibility over time.
• No internet access while home alone. It is too easy for kids to get sucked into games and social media sites, leaving them unaware of their surroundings and at risk for inappropriate online content.
• Set guidelines for phone use. In our home our children don’t answer the phone when they are home alone, but instead listen to voicemail and if it is us we ask them to pick up. Otherwise we stick with texting back and forth to stay connected.
• Don’t have them open the door for anyone. It is just easier to let them ignore the doorbell or knocking than to add the extra responsibility of determining how to safely respond to any multitudes of people on the other side, from salesmen, to neighbors, to someone lost and looking for directions.
• Role play scenarios with your child. Give him a hypothetical situation and see what his reaction might be. These could range from leaking pipes, to a smoke detector going off for no apparent reason, to a relentless knocking at the door by a stranger.

Letting our kids stay home alone, especially for the first time, can fill us with anxiety and worry. However, we can help prepare them for this milestone by giving them the tools they need for safe success. When our kids are ready for the challenge, they need this opportunity to further their independence and increase their self-reliance. We can’t follow them around for the rest of their lives (even though we might want to at times), so teaching them to be self-sufficient is  one of the best gifts we can give our kids.

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Tips for Reducing Back to School Worries

Tags: anxiety, back to school, children and school, nerves, nervous abut back to school, schedules, school

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The long hazy days of summer are quickly dwindling and soon our children will be returning to their studies with excitement, and perhaps apprehension. A new school year means more than new sneakers and extra notebooks. It is a time to begin another new journey with your children, adjusting schedules, sharing new undertakings, and setting goals. Your kids might attend public, private, or online schools, or are perhaps home schooled like mine, but kids from all of these backgrounds can experience the dilemmas, nerves, and anxieties that accompany the back to school season. No matter where they study their alphabet or algebra, there are a few things we can do to help ease their worries and set them up for a successful year.

Start Dreaming
Sleep is one of the most important things our children need in order to be alert, participatory, and ready for their academic adventures. If your child has gotten into a summer sleep schedule of late nights and later mornings, it is important to begin adjusting their sleep schedules at least a week in advance of when they will need to rise and shine. Curb their bedtimes back 5-10 minutes each night and you can be back on track for sweet dreams in no time.

Be Healthy and Wise
Even though summer might feel like it is moving too fast and passing us by, once our kids are engrossed in their schoolwork and related activities time will seem even more fleeting. Take advantage of freer schedules now and get your kids in for last minute dental, vision, and hearing tests. Don’t wait to get a note from the teacher saying that your son is squinting at the board or you notice that he wrinkles his nose and holds the book closer every time he tries to read to you. Making sure your kids are on track with these important health issues will give them every opportunity to succeed with their learning.

Plan for Success
Take time to talk with your kids about what their hopes are for the year. Perhaps it will be to learn to read chapter books without pictures, to master Geometry class, or to make progress on the art portfolio your son has been working on for months. If you know what their goals are it will be so much easier to help provide the tools they will need to succeed. Goal setting is a great exercise to do with your kids, but don’t forget to help them develop a plan for achieving those goals.

Begin with a Bang
Start a new school year with a fun tradition. In our house every year I serve dinosaur shaped pancakes on the morning of the first day – a tradition that goes back to my own childhood. This goofy little breakfast bit is our way of making sure everyone is smiling (and usually because they are laughing about the less than artistic results I create on a griddle). The tradition doesn’t have to be filled with fanfare, but should be a small, meaningful moment everyone in the family can share.

As our children embark on another year of school, taking the time now to create positive and healthy environments and habits will go a long way to supporting their efforts this year. There are several small things you can do before school starts to make the year goes more smoothly.

• Have pictures taken now to avoid the dreaded school picture mishap of outrageous hair or spaghetti sauce chin. The pictures will also be ready in plenty of time for the holidays, serving a double duty and cutting the costs.
• Adjust summer television and computer habits before the first day of school so your kids don’t go through withdrawal. If they are used to watching an hour of television each day, but during the school year will only be allowed 30 minutes, start that plan early so the new schedule doesn’t add to the 1^st day tension.
• Invest in a family calendar and keep it where everyone can see the schedule. An ideal kind has a column for each member of the family, and a row for each day. Everyone can add their schedules and in the craziness of practices and clubs, parents can more easily map out a strategy for getting everyone where they need to be when the schedule is laid out before them.
• Clean off bookshelves in the home and donate those that your kids have outgrown or no longer want to local charities.
• Make sure your child has a clean study space, whether that is the beanbag chair in the corner or the desk in her room, a quiet place for jumping into a book will be beneficial. 
• Grab a plastic storage bin you can keep in the backseat and fill it with a few extras for days on the run with kids. Granola bars, bottled water, gum, extra pens, pencils and a sharpener, along with an extra notebook can come in handy while waiting in between practices after school.

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3 Tricks Kids Play on Us

Tags: child development, excuses, listen to your child, tricks kids play

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There are times in our lives as parents and caregivers when our kids amaze and astound us with their abilities to get what they want, or avoid doing what they don’t want to do. Actually, this type of creativity can be a sign of critical thinking, something that will serve them well in the future. For now, though, we must wade through these moments and find approaches to creatively parent around the kinds of tricks that kids of all ages try to play on us.

Limp Noodle

It is time to leave the park and your toddler doesn’t want to budge away from the slide, so you decide to help her move to the car and pick her up in your arms. She is instantly an enormously heavy limp noodle, hanging like iron Jell-O in your arms. Suddenly her 35 lb. frame feels more like 105 and you practically trip on her dangling feet. Do you drop her and run? No – but listen to what her limp body is telling you. She is letting you know in no uncertain terms that she really wants to stay and play, or perhaps she really doesn’t feel like grocery shopping (the next item on the agenda). If your child has mastered the art of the limp noodle, refrain from picking her up when it is time to leave someplace. Some other things to keep in mind for future departures include:

• Give a count down. You can say, “In 5 minutes it is time to leave.” Then stick with it every time.
• If your child is very young or has a hard time understanding what 5 minutes feels like, let her know that when a certain activity is over, it is time to cooperatively move to the van.
• Acknowledge that the activity is fun and reiterate how you can have fun next time.
• Ask your children question as you start to leave the activity. If their minds are focusing on new things they will be less likely to be frustrated that you put an end to the most amazing thing they have ever done.

Not Me

We have had an uninvited guest in our home on occasion. His name is Not Me. Who left their dirty socks on the floor? Not Me. Who drank the last of the milk and didn’t write it on the shopping list? Not Me. As parents we want our children to be accountable for their actions, but asking who did what isn’t always the best tactic. It immediately puts kids on the defensive as their minds race to what they might have done, or forgotten to do, and doesn’t really teach accountability. Try these approaches to kick Not Me out of your house.

• Don’t ask, “Who left the towel on the floor?” Instead, point out the issue of concern by saying, “There is a towel on the floor that shouldn’t be there. We have talked about the need to hang those up, so I need for that to be done.”
• Acknowledge when your kids hold themselves accountable, following through on tasks for which they are responsible. Reaffirming the good things is easier to do than trying to play detective and find out where Not Me is hiding.

Excuses, Excuses!

Some of my children, who shall remain nameless, have attempted to play the Excuses, Excuses! Game. You know the one… you give your child a task to do, they don’t do it, you hold them responsible for being irresponsible, and then they supply you with a list of reasons why X didn’t get done. At the top of that list might be:

• Bait and switch – “I was going to unload the dishwasher but then you called me into the other room to talk about what I need for practice.” Somehow it is now your fault they didn’t follow-through.
• Memory loss – “I have so much to do that I forgot.”
• Hearing loss – “I never heard you.” Or “You never said that I had to do it today.”

You can make the Excuses, Excuses! Game more evenly matched by trying the following tactics with your kids.

• Tell them up front that it isn’t about the reason why it didn’t happen, but that you want to know what their plans are for taking care of it.
• Give them a calendar and note pads for lists. You can talk with older kids and explain that they are responsible for the tasks on the list, and they need to add their own deadlines, meetings, and responsibilities to the schedule.
• When you talk with them about their responsibilities, don’t do it while their face is glued to the computer screen. Make sure that you have eye contact and ask them to repeat back to you what it is that you are asking of them.

As long as there are children, there will be tricks played to maneuver around rules and expectations. It is not necessarily the sign of a devious child, but one who has learned to play the system – our parenting system. If you find yourself up against some of these types of tricks, take a minute to review your responses to the tricks and make sure you aren’t playing right into the traps. Who knows, they might see you as their magician’s assistant, helping make sure the tricks are performed flawlessly each time.

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“I have a tummy ache.” Have you ever heard those words from your child before? While sometimes it is truly a virus or other bug, it can also be one of many ways our kids reach out to us and let us know that they, too, feel stress and every day pressures of life. Children are not immune to outside pressures, and research has found that young children, especially those under the age of 10, are not equipped to handle high levels of stress. Children 6 and under are even more unlikely to be able to comprehend situations and react to them in emotionally healthy ways. However, children of all ages every day experience stressful situations. It is up to us to equip them with the tools they need to deal with the stressors without damaging their outlooks on life.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Stressors

The Good
There is such a thing as good stress for a child. Our bodies are created with a nervous system and certain hormones that work together to provide increased levels of adrenaline and cortisol when we are feeling stress. These physical changes in our bodies are what cause hearts to race, breathing rates to rise, and our bodies to sweat. These changes allow our bodies to react quickly to stressors – something we want our children to experience.

Consider watching your child learn to ride his bike for the first time. Most likely there are some wobbly knees, he is alert and wide-eyed, and tries to react quickly to the tipping tires. These are all the result of the stress his mind and body feel while doing this new activity. The stress of trying something new makes his body on high alert to be ready to keep the rest of him safe. Even the stress of losing a library book can be a good thing for a child who needs to learn better skills for responsibility, so they take that stressful energy to search for (and hopefully find) that elusive book.

The Bad
Other stressors can also trigger these same responses, but are not positive stressful situations for our kids. These are things like arguing with friends or family, struggling in a class, or experiencing a short-term stressor like an accident that leaves no long term harmful effects. These events all trigger the same physical changes in the body, but often do not come with the encouraging results of being able to ride down the driveway on two wheels for the first time.

Repeatedly feeling stress in academia is at the heart of a new documentary, Race to Nowhere, that is an attempt to evangelize educators, parents, and communities to rethink education. Children today more than ever before are experiencing the stress of applying to schools, even pre-schools, taking advanced courses, and participating in every conceivable extracurricular activity.

The Ugly
In our children’s lives there will be those moments of tragedy we wish we could erase for them. Losing close family members, struggling with a severe illness, or missing a parent deployed in the military are all examples of stressors that can forever actually change the cognitive functions of children. Research shows that a child who experiences significant stressors can actually then have a decreased size of the hippocampus, the portion of the brain responsible for memory and emotions. Many of these children can also suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and often require professional help to deal with the stressful event.

Sometimes it is hard to tell just how bad the stress is for your child. One child might be teased in school and it is a one-time, limited, occurrence that leaves no long lasting anxious moments, while another is tortured daily with bullying in the hallways. Make sure you look for sings in your child to see if bullying has moved from bad to ugly.

What are the signs of stress in my child?

Some of the signs our children give us that they are feeling stress or anxiety mirror so many other things, but if we look closely enough and pay attention to their experiences as well, we should be able to determine whether or not that tummy ache is a cry for something else.

Common signs of stress:

• Complaints of stomach aches or headaches
• Loss of appetite
• Sleep disruptions, especially in children who once slept well
• Fidgeting or inability to sit still (as a new sign in your child)
• Increased arguing within the family or friendships
• Increased fears
• Emotional outbursts such as crying, yelling, or tantrums
• Statements such as, “I’m not good at this.”
• Lack of interest in activities
• Refusals to participate in once accepted activities, such as not wanting to go to school anymore or visit a friend’s home

What can we do?

Children need stress relievers just as we do and it is important that we give them the healthy tools with which to deal with stress at early ages, before they turn to damaging behaviors as their coping mechanisms.

• Help your child find a hobby. For some this might be knitting, but for others this could be geocaching or metal detecting.
• Encourage them to exercise. Physical activity can help regulate heart and breathing rates which are calming in and of themselves. This can be anything from yoga, to rock climbing, to tennis, to just play-time in the backyard for little ones.
• Expose your kids to art. Music, drama, and physical arts like drawing and painting can all have beneficial effects on stress levels.
• Get a pet. Studies have shown that children, especially those with underlying factors for stress such as Autism, can have lower stress levels when interacting with the family dog.
• Talk with your kids. Young children don’t have the capacity to sort out the facts from the realities of situations, making their sometimes irrational fears seem scarier and more stressful. Keep communicating with your kids as they get older so that you can help them manage their stress levels as well.
• Laugh together. Sometimes laughter truly is the best medicine. Watch a comedy together, tell silly jokes, or go down memory lane on the Road of Silliness, remembering funny events in your lives.

Stress is a natural reaction our bodies have to events around us. Children face stressors everyday as well, so it is extremely important that we acknowledge these with them and teach them positive ways of dealing with their emotions. Help your kids put it all in perspective and reassure them of their place in your life and the world.

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If you read yesterday’s post, Help Kids Lose Weight by Cutting History Class, you probably noticed I am a vehement supporter of teaching children about history – from family genealogy to ancient civilizations. The article that got my blood boiling proposed that if History classes are removed to make room for Physical Education courses we will be able to effectively combat the childhood obesity epidemic, based in large part on the theory that knowledge of history is not necessary for a successful future.

I’ve made my arguments for why I so strongly feel that children must have a solid grasp on historical figures and events – now I hope to show Dr. Kal and anyone else who feels that History is an effectual and less than mesmerizing course of study just how easy it is to incorporate history into the lives of our kids so that they not only learn dates and peoples, but how those are interconnected with their own lives and the world.

Make History Come Alive

Any subject, when taught with dry books, infinite details scrawled on chalkboards, and constant lectures will probably be less than enticing or exciting for children. Whether you are a teacher, parent of an elementary school student, or home school parent, you can implement these ideas to help history come alive. Get your kids and students out of their desks and get them moving. Learning about history does not equate to remaining seated.

Historical reenacting – There are numerous historical homes, sites, museums and more that bring history to life by recreating scenes and images from years past. Reading about the formation of a military unit is one thing, but watching soldiers march across a field in Civil War uniforms puts everything into perspective.

Not only can kids be visitors at these sites, but they can volunteer as reenactors as well. My children have all done reenacting, something that not only helps them to connect the past to their present assumptions about life, but is a great way to give back to the community. This summer my daughter and her best friend have provided story time each week for children held on the grounds of the Hubbard House, a local historic home. The two girls, complete in vintage clothing, greet guests as sisters who once lived in the home. The girls are also tour guides for this home where they have opportunities to learn about history while gaining immense amounts of public speaking opportunities (they will soon compete at the state level with their presentation about tour guide skills). Kids can also participate in everything from farm chores to old fashioned base ball games.

Museums – The word might conjure up stuffy images of glass cases and “Do Not Touch” signs, but taking kids to museums can help create connectivity to dates, people, and places and history. Check with your local historical society for information about museums, especially those with special exhibits where not only is touching allowed, but encouraged.

Tangible Projects – If you are reading with your kids about how slaves from the south escaped to the north using freedom quilts, have the kids use paper patterns to recreate the symbols represented in the quilts, or actually create mini quilts with these patterns together. If you are studying about pioneers travelling across the prairie in covered wagons (schooners), have the kids make their own butter by shaking cream in clean baby food jars. Simple activities such as these keep kids moving and give them tangible, clear perspectives about how people lived in the past.

Community Involvement – We are fortunate to live in a county where the local historical society supports and encourages the roles of youth in historical studies and preservation. Through groups such as the Young Historians program kids can gather together and learn about history through guest speakers, movies, craft projects, and their favorite – snacks! If your community doesn’t offer such programs, see if you can help start one – even meeting just once a month helps to reiterate historical timeframes and concepts for kids.

Documentaries – Another boring word for some, but modern documentaries are very intriguing and full of action, drama, and suspense. Cinematography advances allow for documentaries to be created as miniature mystery films, drawing the viewer into the story – or history. Watch some with your kids and you might be surprised at what you learn.

Journals – Read journals by famous figures in history such as Anne Frank, but also encourage your kids to write their own journals. These are pieces of history in the making that everyone will treasure.

Time Capsules – Once a year create a time capsule with your kids and let them add to it what they think represents their present lives. An empty pack of their favorite gum, an article from the paper, their baseball picture, or their report card are all small, easy to store pieces of memorabilia. If you can, actually bury the capsule in the backyard in a plastic storage container. Storing it on the closet shelf works just as well, as long as no one peeks or changes their stash!

Talk – One of the most important things we can do with our kids for any subject is to share ideas with them, ask questions, and be asked questions. Finding the answers together is the most rewarding experience. Encourage them to question the past and find solid answers and explanations for how history books are written.

Our children are history in the making.

History does not have to be the boring class that provides an hour of rest time for students. Engaging, thought provoking activities and materials can provide the right mix of sources for their studies. When our children can reflect on the past with knowledge and understanding, they can take on the important roles of creating brighter futures.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/MPA3Ew9cNWI/

Help Kids Lose Weight by Cutting History Class

Tags: childhood obesity, children, children and history class, history, history class, importance of history, obesity in children, teaching children history

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I recently stumbled across an article and opinion online that has ignited a firestorm in my home and in the minds of several of my friends. The premise for this article is that American children are obese and that one of the most effective ways we might combat this epidemic is to drop History classes in schools to make more room for physical education courses, specifically because History is not needed in life. Dr. Kal gives the following advice to parents.

“Unless you foresee your child being a contestant on Jeopardy, they could probably use a physical education class more than a history class.”

I’m not going to argue that the health of our children shouldn’t be a priority. Schools should keep health and physical education classes as parts of core curriculum, especially to reach kids who might not receive those opportunities at home. On that small part I agree with Dr. Kal, but the rest of his premise is filled with ignorant sentiment about History classes for children and the lack of value of history in education. According to Dr. Kal, “National borders are becoming increasingly blurred. Globalization is growing as the world becomes more interconnected. The knowledge of what happened hundreds of years ago is becoming less useful.”

I wonder if he is familiar with George Santayana, a major figure in classical America philosophy who was born in the late 1800’s. Santayana is famous for his own opinion that, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” So should our children be bothered with the draining times and fruitless efforts as Dr. Kal proposes, or did Santayana know the importance of a foundation in history for the success of peoples everywhere, including our children?

Why do our kids need history?

Family
At the basic level, history is our families – today at breakfast, yesterday at the park, and at our children’s 1^st birthday parties. Then we move to levels of grandparents and beyond, immigrant relatives who traversed continents and literally plowed the earth to make their homes instead of calling a local contractor. Family history knowledge gives children a sense of belonging and heritage. It also can benefit their health, giving them clues to hereditary conditions and predispositions. Just try to envision not knowing your own history and then you might get a glimpse of what the world could look like without History as a priority.

Community
Without a clear and comprehensive knowledge of the world around them, children have no contexts on which to form their opinions, ideas, morals, and goals. Imagine for a moment how the choices and decisions your children make might could be impacted if they have little or no education about the following portions of history.

• American civil rights and those who fought for them and suffered to bring about our freedoms
• World Wars, civil wars, and other wars that changed (and continue to change) the landscapes of continents – physically, politically, economically, culturally, and socially
• The history of their own faiths, and the ability to comprehend the faiths of others around them
• Inventions, all the way from electricity, to medicine, to barbed wire, and more
• Improvements and changes in tools, processes, and physical structures – if we don’t know that something was tried before and failed, would and should we continue to re-invent the broken wheel?
• Political policies, choices, and programs, including everything from Communism, the Holocaust, or Social Security – Do you want mayors, governors, senators, and world leaders who have limited knowledge of the past or would you prefer a person with a foundation of knowledge, ideas, and tools that have been tested over time? Our world has made enough mistakes without adding the burden of memory loss.
• Environmental issues that have taught us the need for operational reforms in factories, on oil ships, and within our own homes
• Educational reforms and academic practices, such as segregated schools, book burnings and bans, and even the ever ineffective Dunce cone cap (Yes – having knowledge of that practice of student humiliation can help teach us and our children to do better, treat each other better, and be better.)

This is only a minutely partial list of all of the aspects of our lives that are influenced and impacted by history. If our children aren’t taught about what came before them, how can they determine the best path ahead of them? Perhaps the bigger problem is that Dr. Kal and others who share and support his opinion about the miniscule need for History class were not exposed to opportunities that engaged their minds and challenged how they view the world and their positions in it. Whether you are slightly apathetic about schools, active on the school board, or a home school parent like me, do not take the risk of removing our children’s heritage, or you risk destroying their futures.

Be sure to check out tomorrow’s post that will give you loads of ideas about how to make sure that History class is no longer Boredomville for your kids, and how it can actually be a P.E. experience all on its own for the entire family!

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