Is Spanking Harmful?

Tags: discipline, health risks of spanking, punishment, spanking

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New Study Shows Spanking is Not Child’s Play

For the last few decades the debate about whether or not parents should utilize corporal punishment such as spanking has heated up over the emotional implications that it can bring. An intriguing new scientific report that has just been released indicates that not only are there emotional risks associated with spanking, but there are very real medical risks as well.

Analysis done by Canadian researchers of more than 80 studies shows that “Spanking children can cause long-term developmental change and may even lower a child’s IQ…”. The report from the Canadian Medical Association Journal addresses what authors feel has been an under-examined and ignored portion of the discipline debate – the medical implications that spanking can cause for children.

The results of this recent study are these. Physical punishment:

• makes children more physically aggressive.
• makes children more antisocial.
• contributes to cognitive impairment.
• contributes to developmental hurdles.
• reduces the brain’s grey matter – a negative outcome significant and relevant to IQ testing.
• Increases the likelihood of future substance abuse.
• Increases the likelihood of future issues with depression.
• Has no documented future benefits.

The point that authors of this study keep trying to point to is that when there are other medical issues and discoveries made, such as the benefits of taking certain vitamins or risks of consuming certain medications, society readily accepts these findings as fact and makes better, more informed choices. However, even in light of all of this research many societies all over the world still generally accept spanking as a legitimate form of discipline (although it is illegal in 32 countries).

Alternatives to Spanking

It seems that the old adage isn’t necessarily – “When you know better, you do better.” In this instance it seems that a little bit more than knowledge needs to be gained. Parents need tools for healthier forms of discipline.

When parents were raised in homes where spanking was a possible discipline method, chances increase that they will turn to that same method. Instead of just using the tools of the past, however, parents need to make a commitment for positive change.

Begin by understanding why you choose to spank. Some parents justify it as a quick action that gets immediate results, especially in situations where the child doesn’t seem to grasp his parent’s urgency. The choice is always the parents’, though, and blaming the actions of the children instead of the reactions of the parents doesn’t put the focus where it belongs. All children misbehave. The focus needs to be on how parents choose to handle their reactions.

Make a commitment to only touch your child in loving, respectful ways. When my husband and I first became parents we talked about how we only wanted to respond to our children how we hoped that they would learn to respond to others, and that didn’t include spanking or physical aggression.

Teach yourself some new methods for relaxation and focus, such as counting, removing yourself from the situation if necessary, folding your hands as if in prayer (maybe not a bad idea at this point!), deep breathing, and quickly reminding yourself of at least one special thing about your child. It is hard to resort to spanking if you are remembering his first birthday party.

• For those little ones 18 months and younger, redirection and positive reinforcement of good behaviors is the best deterrent of negative behaviors.
• Toddlers still respond to redirection, but clear and stern verbal instructions can be added into the mix. It is important to be consistent, as this is the age when your toddler will push those buttons as hard and as often as possible to test the waters of independence.
• The early elementary years offer important opportunities for positive communication, clear rules and boundaries, and clear and consistent consequences. It is also a good time to let some of those consequences be discovered by your child, as independent learning is often the best teacher.
• In the tween and teen years we are back to the waters of independence, only with taller and smarter children. Discipline during these ages needs to be as unemotional as possible so that you don’t create a tense situation or build up walls between you and your child. Learn to choose your battles carefully and find ways to respect the individuality of your kids. The more you do this, the less often you might feel no other option than spanking.

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Old-School Apprenticeships Help Children Learn in Modern World

It might sound really old fashioned, but apprenticeships are coming back in style, just like retro tees for women and Zubaz (ahh – the memories) for guys. And these aren’t the apprenticeships of old where you lease out your children as soon as they turn 13 so that they can learn a trade you think will be valuable to them and your entire family. Modern apprenticeships take the passion and abilities of children and combine those with phenomenal real world opportunities to learn from masters of crafts, trades, and higher thinking.

When my kids want to learn more about changing the oil in the truck, they go to Dad, but if they want to find out how to make an amazing cheesecake from scratch, they come to me. If they want to learn how to throw a better sinker at the plate, we tell them we can’t help them. But then we go, like we did with our son, and find a professional who can help. The kids have learned what so many adults have unfortunately pushed out of the way to make room for the more convenient brick and mortar ways of learning: hands-on learning and exploration with guidance by experts is one of the most effective ways to develop skills and to help people find their own true paths.

Modern Apprenticeships

I recently heard about The Institute for Educational Advancement, a non-profit based in California, which takes exceptionally gifted children and matches them with apprenticeships that match the students’ particular passions. These aren’t your run of the mill programs, either, as we are talking about high school students who might become an apprentice in anything from liver stem cell maintenance research, to aerosol pollution issues, to a state’s Supreme Court. As the studies are rigorous and intense, they are only designed for the very upper percent of the most academically successful students.

While programs like those offered through The Institute for Education Advancement might seem intimidating or unavailable for many students, even those above average ones, this type of program highlights a very valuable and underused approach in modern education. Apprenticeship is one of the most powerful ways our children can get a true feeling for the day-to-day operations and expectations of a career. The apprenticeship doesn’t have to last for years like those of the past – the ones arranged by The Institute for Education Advancement are only weeks in duration, but they are intense and give a perspective that just can’t be found while sitting in a classroom listening to a lecture.

If we don’t have access to elite apprenticeship programs like these, how can we as parents help prepare our children to pursue their passions, especially when those might be in areas where we have no personal or relevant experience?

Find mentors in your children’s fields of interest. In the handbook Parenting Teens, by Dr. Clifford L. Johnson, chapter 3 begins with “Your teenager needs a mentor. It doesn’t matter whether your child is a 4.0 student or a failing student, a mentor can help him or her be more successful.” I have found that many professionals are more than happy to lead children in these specific, goal oriented type approaches. If you are seeking for mentors for your kids, consider the following:

Look for possible mentors in your neighborhood, church, and among your friends. You can even call universities and businesses and ask if they have people who are willing to work with youth on goal oriented learning experiences through mentoring. Our daughter’s dog training class leader is also a veterinarian (the life goal of my daughter), so my daughter asked her if she can come and observe her during work. Not only was my daughter welcomed into the clinic, but she got to participate in certain portions as well. 

Be up front with the possible mentor (or better yet, have your child be up front). Let that person know that his career, hobby, or other pursuits are of great interest and your child is really interested in learning as much as possible him.

Help your child set goals specifically pertaining to that mentor. If the mentor is an expert in sewing and your child wants to learn how to sew a quilt, make that the end goal and talk with the mentor about all of the steps in between that will be necessary in order to reach this goal. This gives your child and the mentor the opportunity to assess the situation and make a plan.

Try to make visits with the mentor more than just a one shot deal. It takes time to build a relationship where both your child feels comfortable and where the mentor feels engaged enough to let your child see the “not so fun” aspects and make some mistakes.

Look for mentors and experts in unusual places. Right now my boys are excited about yo-yos – they fling through my house with lightning speed and have caused a few injuries. I can barely get the toy to move up and down, so when my boys want to learn more tricks, they turn to experts they have found online. They watch videos, ask questions of the experts, and have plans to attend a demonstration/competition where they can meet in person with these experts.

Have you ever watched the television show The Apprentice – that one with business mogul Donald Trump firing all but the last competitor? We need something like that for our youth – a way in which kids can experience real world job situations and learn on the fly. Apprenticeships might be old-school, but they can probably give our kids benefits that just can’t be found in school. If you had been exposed to your career path in this way, would you have chosen the same direction?

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/XJXWBq60ukI/

15 Easy Valentines to Give Your Kids

Tags: gifts for your kids, Valentine’s Day, Valentine’s Day gifts, Valentine’s Day gifts for your kids, valentines

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The first man to ever give me a Valentine was my father. It was a small statue of a little girl that read Dear God, Thanks for Fridays!, and Dad presented it to me as I sat working on homework in my room after school one Valentine’s Day. Now, my dad was not a habitual knick-knack giver and Valentine’s Day had never been a time in my family of traditions like this, so when he appeared out of nowhere and simply said “Happy Valentine’s Day – I love you” it was as if he had handed me a moonbeam engraved with my name.

Even though it is touted as a holiday for sweethearts, Valentine’s Day is a wonderful opportunity to show your children how much they mean to you and just how much they are loved. They don’t have to be extravagant or lavish gifts. They just need to come from your heart and speak to your children’s hearts.

• Use cookie cutters to make heart shaped foods for your kids – pancakes, sandwiches, tortillas, or anything you can cut and serve with love.
• Give your child a homemade coupon (or even a whole coupon booklet!). This way you can tailor your gift to your individual child. You might include things like
• Stay up Late Tonight
• Skip One Chore Today
• Choose the Family Movie to Watch
• Extra Bedtime Story
• Please Make My Favorite Dessert
• Write specific things you love about your child on small slips of paper, fold them, and fill a jar with your love for your child. Give the jar to your child and let him read one each morning or fill up his heart and read them all at once.
• Surprise your child by picking her up from school and taking her on a special outing to her favorite park.
• Get out your child’s baby book and show him baby pictures of himself while you tell him about the day he was born and everything you loved about that day.
• Make a treasure hunt for your child where the clues lead her to a special Valentine card, treat, or special token of your love.
• Create old fashioned homemade Valentine cards with your child and deliver them to neighbors or nursing home residents.
• Surprise your child by putting his favorite treat in his backpack or lunchbox, or leave it on his nightstand to find in the morning.
• Make a list with your child of all the things you love to do together, then pick one or more and choose a day on the calendar to go do these things. It will give you and your child a fun event to look forward to and remind you of the special love moms and dads have for their kids.
• Teach your child something new – how to ice skate, knit, or find the best tree for climbing. When we give our children teaching time we are giving them loving actions that will stay with them.
• Say a prayer for your child, and have them listen to you. So many times we might pray for our kids’ safety or well-being, but we might utter the words under our breath or only in our minds. When we pray out loud for our children we are opening our hearts to them.
• Take a t-shirt and use fabric paint to write “I Have the Best Son” on it and wear it proudly (not all teens think this is the best idea!).
• Get cozy flannel or cotton prints that reflect your child’s favorite things – I chose one with guitars on it for my string pick’n son – and make a homemade pillowcase. You can just fold 1.5 yards of fabric and sew to fit.
• Make paper heart chains, grab some balloons, and decorate your dining room with your child for a special Valentine’s Day meal for the family. Have little ones create homemade placemats by personalizing pieces of pink construction paper with pictures that show what your child loves about each person. Laminate them if possible for reusable keepsakes.
• Give your child an unexpected gift like my dad did. Your child may not scream with excitement or drop to her knees in thanks, but chances are she will always remember it and treasure it – just like I do.

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If you watch mainstream television, you might think that marriage is more like a side dish for families – where the stability of a marital relationship is an “extra” for the health, success, and future of our children. However, as I stood in church today I was again reminded that marriage is more like the main course in our families, and that our children need us to do everything we can to create healthy, nurturing marriages – for their sakes. During the service anyone who had been married at our church was invited to stand in a brief moment of recognition for all of the lives that had been joined within those walls. As I stood, recalling my own marriage there almost 17 years ago, I saw an elderly couple ahead of me whisper to each other, smile, and gesture at all of the people standing around them. I wondered what their whispers were saying; wondered what their knowing smiles meant.

This isn’t a referendum on single, divorced, or cohabitating parents, and it is not a religious agenda in disguise. Whether you believe that marriage is a sacred comittment, a socially acceptable promise, or an outdated social invention, the effects married parents can have on their children are real. It is about the research supported facts about marriage and roles it plays in our children’s lives. The good, the bad, and the average marriages.

How Does Cohabitation Affect Children?

This is a look at marriages, and what they mean for our children, especially in light of the changing trends in family structures in society. One of those trends is that of cohabitation – either biological parents living together outside of marriage and raising children or one parent living with either a boyfriend or girlfriend and raising children.

Cohabitation now accounts for a larger percentage of family structures than does single parenting. While approximately 20% of children live with single parents, 24% of children live with cohabitating parents (more than 4 out of 10). Cohabitation is not new, but the idea of it is becoming more mainstream and accepted. As it does so, the effects of this family structure are becoming clearer. Cohabitation does not provide children with the same security and stability as having married parents does, and it can increase the likelihood of unhealthy outcomes.

You might think that cohabitating adults offer a better scenario than single parents, where there is more energy, time, attention, and resources available for the children. However, research shows that across all three main areas of abuse – physical, sexual, and emotional – parents with cohabitating partners have children who are at most risk for abuse, far outweighing single parent households. Cohabitating couples with a child together are also twice as likely to separate before their child is 12 when compared with married couples.

How Does Family Structure Affect Children?

Children thrive in stable, nurturing environments. Research shows that across multitudes of levels, children who live in a home where there is a healthy, marital relationship between parents experience the most benefits. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, these children are:

• More likely to attend college
• More likely to succeed academically
• Physically and emotionally healthier
• Less likely to attempt or commit suicide
• Less likely to demonstrate behavioral problems in school
• Less likely to be a victim of physical or sexual abuse
• Less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol
• More likely to have better relationships with their own parents
• Less likely to become divorced in their adult lives
• Less likely to become a pregnant teen or teen parent
• Less likely to be sexually active as a teen
• Less likely to contract an STD
• Less likely to be raised in poverty

Increasingly kids are raised in what some refer to as “complex households” (where children live with non-biological caregivers, step-siblings and parents, and non-family members). Family life in complex households impacts the futures of children. The more transitions there are for children, such as cohabitating parents breaking up and forming new adult relationships, the more likely those children are to experience negative issues such as school failures and drug abuse. They are also more likely to have poor relationships with their family members and experience health problems.

Unhealthy Marriage vs. Healthy Single Parent

There are those instances where parents together as married adults are not more effective or nurturing than they are as single parents. I have seen marriages fall apart and children appear to be healthier and happier, especially when there is an abusive relationship involved. Being married does not guarantee healthy children. Working to create a healthy marriage appears to be the key – and I stress working – as in constant work-in-progress. Authors of Why Marriage Matters wrote that “Marriages that are unhealthy do not have the same benefits as the average marriage.” But what in the world is an average marriage?

If you have ever read 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, by John and Julie Gottman, you might get a sense of an average marriage. There is strife, discord, love, and commitment all rolled into that one relationship. Some couples argue over every little thing, and others hold it all in and wait for the big explosion, while others yet seem to have mastered communication skills. In average marriages there are disagreements, arguments, painful emotions, unrecognized feelings, and apathy. While it doesn’t sound like a recipe for a warm and nurturing relationship, we have to look a little deeper.

If I have a disagreement with my husband and find a resolution, we teach our children perseverance and respect in relationships.

If I support my husband’s interests (even when they are far from my own – like hunting), I teach my children that differences don’t have to separate.

If I go on date night even when I feel like I would rather curl up in my pajamies (yep – that’s our word) after a horrendously busy week, I teach my children that we need to put priorities on relationships instead of things. (And then I’m always glad I went on date night.)

If I cry and my husband comforts me (even when he has no idea why I am crying), it teaches my children what a healthy, respectful relationship looks like.

If I give up on my marriage when the times are tough – because they will be at one time or another – I teach my children that our beliefs about commitment, relationships, and each other aren’t what they thought. That is one lesson I am not ready to teach them. So as I stood there in church today, looking at the elderly couple ahead of me, I prayed for the strength and wisdom that is needed to keep my marriage healthy and happy – perhaps average some days – but always an extraordinary gift for my kids.

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There are many gifts we would love to be able to give our children, but self-esteem is one of those we can’t just wrap up with a bow and hand over to them. We have to create environments where their self-esteem can grow and flourish. I guess why they call it “self”-esteem.

It was saddening the other day to hear a young girl at the library tell her mom, “I stink at this. I never get the right answers and I’m too stupid to figure it out.” I couldn’t help but wonder how this young girl got to the point where she saw herself in such low terms. And then I heard the mom reply, “It’s OK honey. Not everyone can be smart at everything. You don’t need to finish it right now.” The “it” appeared to be homework, and the answer to my wondering was right before me. Kids think less of themselves when we reaffirm their worries and give them permission to fail – even when we are trying to be supportive.

What is Self-Esteem?

There is a great definition I once found in this little, inconspicuous spiral-bound book called, Your Child and Self-Esteem – Helping Children Respect Themselves and Others. “Self-esteem is the consequence of how we cope, what we believe, how we were raised, and most importantly – how we live.”

Self-esteem is about more than kids just feeling good about themselves. It is about them actively being good – to themselves and the world around them. It is the difference between being egotistical and being self and community-aware. Children who have positive self-esteem are more likely to be able to use their talents, abilities, and resources to fulfill their own goals and contribute to their surroundings. Their families, communities, schools, and employers all benefit, for even though self-esteem is an individual concept, it is what gives kids the skills to overcome obstacles and persevere.

How Can I Help My Child Build Self-Esteem?

There are expectations all around our children, from floods of almost unachievable body images in the media, to academic pressures, to family dysfunctions that lead to emotional stressors. All of these impact self-esteem.

The Parent Club Handbook develops what it refers to as a three step process for helping children build self-esteem.

1. Parents work to create an environment where physical, emotional, and intellectual needs are met with safe and loving reactions, and where kids have plenty of opportunities for challenges and success.
2. A child must be allowed to try and fail – all on his or her own.
3. Parents need to encourage their children’s efforts and love them when those efforts fail (especially when those efforts fail).

Much of what this handbook proposes falls in line with unconditional parenting, and some of it probably makes Alfie Kohn cringe, especially the parts about praising and rewarding efforts. Even though I find myself somewhere in the middle of these parenting philosophies, there are definitely merits to the strategies that the Parent Club Handbook suggests we employ to help our children build self-esteem. Among these includes a great discussion about the connection between the relationship between self-esteem and our self-control.

The more conflict there is between our morals and our behaviors, the more our self-esteem decreases.

The handbook suggests the mirror test. Stand in front of a mirror and ask, “Do my choices and how I treat others reflect my values?” For kids this exercise can be simplified into, “Am I acting like a person I would feel good about and want to spend time with?” The morals and values we demonstrate for and teach our children about impact their self-esteem.

It is so vitally important that our kids learn to love themselves, and they learn to do that when we give them their first lesson in unconditional love – that between a parent and a child. As our children grow, we can do several things to give them the tools for healthy self-esteem.

Give them our time. Time to read together, listen to their silly stories, and support their interests show them that we value them and they are worth value.

Help them find their passions. Once they are passionate about something, give them tools to further pursue their passions. Don’t worry if their passions are not your own – this isn’t about your claim to football fame or your want to raise an artist.

Find their love language – how they best express and receive your love. For some kids it is physical touch, and for others it is by spending extra quality time with you.

Forgive your children and ask for their forgiveness when you do wrong.

Let them fail. We can’t raise children who are strong enough to overcome obstacles if we just lower the bar. Their self-esteem will actually improve when they figure out for themselves how to fix or solve a problem.

Find ways for your child to contribute to your family. This might be through sharing a passion for cooking and making Saturday breakfast with you, or a green thumb and the desire to grow some veggies for the family. Family contributions make us feel connected – something kids yearn for as they grow.

Find ways for your child to contribute to the community. When we feel we are a part of something bigger, we see beyond ourselves and truly develop a “whole” perspective.

Listen to your child. Even when you have a million things running through your brain and on your plate, take the time to listen to their stories and questions. You will show them that they are worth the time – because they really are.

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Surviving the Challenges of College and Colic as a Student and Parent

College can be challenging enough for dedicated students, but attending college as a new mom adds a whole new twist to this academic venture. I hadn’t finished college before my first child was born, but I knew I wanted to complete my degree as soon as possible. Knowing what I wanted to do and finding the resources to accomplish that goal were at times oceans apart from each other.

For close to the first two years of my daughter’s life I was a college student. She sometimes attended classes with me, had her own backpack with toys and books, and was my faithful companion during late-night study sessions. Being a mom and a college student is not an easy task, but if you are committed to both of them, you can be successful at both. I actually found that non-traditional students like myself tended to be more responsible, reliable, and focused at college – we had to be. If you are considering going to college or going back to college as a parent, consider the following ideas that helped me get the degree I wanted (and am still glad I have).

Pick a Program

Make sure that the program you select to pursue is your passion. This advice is for anyone – but parents who go to college most likely don’t have the time or funds for “do overs”. If you are certain you want a college degree, make sure it is something you love and think the job market will reward you for in the near future.

When I first began college I wanted to be a social worker. However, as a new mom I also quickly learned the emotional toll that would take on me, especially understanding my own personality. I also knew that I wanted a degree that would enable me to have job flexibility and utilize my skills and passions. I had also watched friends flounder and eventually leave school because they didn’t have a specific passion or goal they were pursuing. When I reassessed my college goals I asked myself the following questions.

• Will this degree enable me to have employment without further training?
• If something happens to my partner will I be able to use this degree to support my child?
• Will this degree compliment me as a person (and as a mom)?
• Can I afford to go to school full-time and still be an involved mom, both financially and emotionally?
• How will my life be better because of this degree?
• How will my life be more challenging because of college?
• How will my child’s life be different because I am attending college?

Create a College Time Budget

If you think about your time like you think about your finances, you can budget the hours in your day and be less likely to fall into time debt – when you simply don’t have enough hours in the day to be a parent and student.

Consider your class schedule so that you account for 4 basic factors:

1. In-class time
2. Childcare time
3. Home time
4. Homework time

Some semesters I took night-classes 4 evenings each week so that my husband was home with our daughter. I did homework during her naptime as much as I could. Other semesters when this was not possible, I arranged my class schedules so that there were as few hours as possible spent on campus, and the extra hours in between classes were my study breaks. Then when I came home my attention was back on my family.

Consider Online Options Carefully

Way back in the day when I was attending college online classes were not prevalent and not even yet offered in my field. Today they offer many options, but you still need to consider several points.

Make certain that the online classes are from an accredited and recognized university.

If you are looking to supplement with online classes make sure that the credits earned will go toward your on-campus credits.

Don’t assume that college at home as a parent will be infinitely easier than taking on-campus classes. You still need to devote time to classes and homework, and just like being a work-at-home mom, it isn’t always as easy to carve away that time when you don’t physically leave the house.

Make a Homework Plan

My first semester of college as a mom was so much more difficult because I didn’t have a doable plan (unless you consider just waiting until my daughter fell asleep on my shoulder and studying while she slumbered in my arms).

Use in-between hours for homework – those times when you have breaks between classes are valuable minutes that you are already away from home and mom duties.

Consider paying a babysitter for 5 hours each week for homework time. I know the finances can be an issue, but in the long-run you will save your sanity and your grades.

Get creative with what you can do as a mom and student. I would bring my daughter to the library and spend the first half-hour reading and exploring with her, then as she tired put her in a baby-pack and do my own searching.

Host study groups. Toward the end of my college career I had to work on several group projects that required hours of outside collaboration. I invited classmates over and provided an easy meal and we did the studying at my home – allowing me to still participate as a student and as a mom.

Find Flexible Childcare

No matter how creatively you arrange your class schedules, there will most likely be times when you have to find childcare for school responsibilities – either classes, meetings, or finals. Formal daycare settings are not only expensive, but they rarely have the flexibility you need. I was extremely blessed to find a neighbor and friend who could watch my daughter when I had classes.

• Find a neighbor with whom you and your child are already comfortable and ask if they are interested in babysitting occasionally.
• Ask a stay-at-home mom. It can provide her with extra income without being a full-time commitment.
• Check with your college. Many of them have childcare programs for students.

Look for Scholarships

Attending college as a non-trad (non-traditional student) puts you apart from the rest. Look for scholarships where the goal is to support non-trads. Search for organizations like these that are specifically focused on providing funding to moms and single parents.

Is attending college while being a new mom easy? No. Was it the right choice for me? Absolutely. I earned the degree (Technical Writing/Computer Science) that supports my passion and now my ability to be a work-at-home mom. Just make sure the decision is right for you and your family – no one else can make that call for you.

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It is a horrible image. A child with a noose. But the reality is that children across the globe are considering this a game and a way to achieve a legal, free, and easy high. The Choking Game is probably one of the scariest games I have heard about as a parent, but it is definitely not the only one I have had to warn my children about as they grow older.

Childhood games used to just consist of friendly Go Fish and Duck, Duck, Grey Duck (yes – in the Midwest we don’t all say Goose). Today, however, parents and their kids are facing dangerous games that have real, detrimental, and sometimes deadly consequences. Have you ever heard of the Choking Game, Funky Chicken, Chubby Bunny, ABC Game, or Rape Tag? While a few of these might sound harmless to you, as a parent all of these names make me shudder. Our children are living in a world where we need to know what these games are, who is playing them, and how we can teach our children to walk away from these games that are anything but friendly.

The Choking Game

The Choking Game is pretty much what it sounds like, but it is anything but a game. Children (and adults), choke themselves or their peers until they feel lightheaded and on the verge of passing out in order to get high. When the choking pressure is released, the blood that was held back quickly floods the brain. The high they actually feel in the form of a tingly, warm, or hazy feeling is from their brain cells dying, but few adolescents who play this game know and understand the grim and dangerous facts. Kids use this technique with ropes, belts, scarves, or bare hands. Some use pressure on the chest or purposely hyperventilate in order to feel these effects.

The kids who are doing this are often typical or above average students who want the thrill of experimenting with a high but don’t want the risk of using drugs or alcohol, or think that the effects are not dangerous. Parents of children who memorialize their children on GASP (Games Adolescents Shouldn’t Play) tell vastly different stories. They tell of kids as young as 9 years of age who died from self-suffocation as they sought this brain cell killing high. Smart students with bright futures from across the globe are dying from this activity.

This dangerous game is also known as: Funky Chicken, Fainting Game, Space Monkey, Roulette, California High, Dream Game, and Airplaning. Some of the warning signs include abrasions on the neck, headaches, bloodshot eyes, attempts to hide the neck with clothing, and agitation or mood changes. A child’s body can in essence become addicted to the high feeling that this dangerous game elicits, so while they may begin playing it with peers for a social rush, they can end up playing it alone – an even deadlier decision.

I urge all parents and children to watch the chilling video online put out by GASP. My own 13 year-old had heard of the game from news reports, but didn’t have all of the facts. The video includes a heart-wrenching audio of an actual 911 call made by a sibling who found his twin after inadvertently hanging himself after playing this game, and is directed at teaching children and their parents about this very dangerous trend.

Other Games I Hope My Children Never Play

Chubby Bunny

While the Choking Game is an obvious danger to our kids, other seemingly harmless games have also cost parents their children. The game Chubby Bunny, where players must gradually place increasing amounts of marshmallows (or as my son informed me, Peeps) into their mouths and say the words “Chubby Bunny”, is a choking hazard. The Fish family knows all too well this danger. Their 6^th grade daughter died after choking during this game at a school carnival. We all know stuffing things in our mouths isn’t the safest approach, but the hidden danger is that when marshmallows are used they tend to heat up in the mouth, sometimes almost expanding, and become a gooey consistency that just can’t be removed with the Heimlich remover.

While this isn’t a game that kills children at the rates of the Choking Game, it is one more example of the type of activities that we as parents need to forewarn our children about and give them the correct information and details.

The ABC Game

Sounds fun and innocent, right? In fact, I recently played a version of this with other families around the bonfire in our backyard. The big difference is that our version didn’t involve incessantly scratching the players with our fingernails.

The ABC Game consists of players taking turns naming objects that begin with consecutive letters of the alphabet. The catch is that the kids are scratching the letters of the alphabet into each other’s arms as they go through the game, seeing how far they can go. Not only is the scratching painful, but it can lead to potentially fatal skin infections, as was this case with a 14 year old girl who contracted necrotizing fasciitis and almost lost her life.

Rape Tag

The name alone makes me cringe. Rape Tag is one of those instances where kids just don’t have the maturity to understand the potential consequences of their actions, and where adults need to make sure they are paying attention and making sure these things don’t happen. Just recently a group of young students were found to be playing Rape Tag on the school playground. It is much like Freeze Tag, but instead of a casual “tag”, students were making sexual gestures to release players from their frozen tag state.

We can’t safeguard our children from everything, and we can’t keep them in bubbles of security. I’ve watched my children get sports injuries, had one with a walking cast after getting  stepped on by a horse, and even had one take a stick to the eye falling while tree climbing. I know that there are dangers everywhere for our children. I also know that there are some dangers we can do our best to help them avoid, especially when they aren’t even aware that the game is not really a game at all.

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Decisions, decisions. As adults we can weigh the odds and use our years of experiences and (hopefully) levels of maturity to make the best decisions possible, whether it is which job to pursue or which book to read. However, our kids don’t necessarily have those years of experiences or developed the maturity needed to make solid, sound decisions. So how can we give them the tools to make choices that will enhance their lives, nourish their souls, and take them one step closer to a better life than they were before?

As a mom to 4 children I am constantly looking for ways to strengthen my children’s independent thinking skills and abilities to make positive decisions. Drawn to the book title, Lighting Their Fires, by Rafe Esquith, I was pulled into this quick read and left the last page with a renewed sense of enthusiasm for teaching my children decision-making skills.

Morals and Decision Making

Rafe touches on something that is so paramount in parenting: children make decisions based on their moral codes of behavior. He describes in his book how he uses Lawrence Kohlberg’s six levels of moral development to in essence mark the moral development of his children, including his students. This basic structure includes the following six points.

1. Obedience through Punishment Avoidance – Young children often learn, even inadvertently, that obeying the rules is important because you then won’t be punished. This is the very earliest point of moral development.
2. Exchanges and Favors – Children are motivated to act a certain way because they perceive there will be a reward for their actions.
3. Relationships – This is sometimes known as the “good boy/good girl” stage where children are developing their moral compasses and learning to conform to social expectations for the most part because the actions will please others (without necessarily a reward beyond that).
4. Social Order – At this stage of moral development children are learning to make decisions based on their considerations for society in general. Children at this stage are developing the moral code of respecting authority and making decisions that reflect duty and order in society.
5. Social Contracts – At this higher stage of moral development people not only respect the expectations and guidelines of society, but are able to account for different values and opinions. They are considerate of others and understand that social agreements sometimes need to be changed.
6. Universal Ethics – This is that stage in moral reasoning where you get that gnawing feeling in your gut because the ethical principles to which you have learned to adhere don’t always follow the rules. You are more inclined to follow the internal set of ethics – your conscious.

How Do Morals Affect Decision Making for Kids?

According to Rafe, “Children set off on the path to extraordinary when they dedicate themselves to reaching level 6 on Kohlberg’s scale.” Our children are not born with the tools they need to make the best decisions, so we must equip them and consistently help them move throughout the levels on Kohlberg’s scale. Even if you don’t buy into every level of this model, it is easy to see that if we only make decisions based on a fear of consequences that we won’t ever be able to demonstrate the consideration and ethical focus required of higher decision-making processes.

How Do I Teach My Children Decision Making Tools?

As parents and caregivers we are the first and strongest influencers in our children’s lives. If we are complacent and base our decisions on the status quo – we choose to attend college because it pleases our parents, or landscape our yard to win the neighborhood lawn-care trophy, our decisions are based on external factors and lack the shaping that consideration and ethical principles bring.

Set good examples. You’ve heard it before and it is not always easy to do, but it is necessary.

Remove distractions. Limit mindless activities (such as endless hours in front of the television or video games). It is much easier to make decisions with all of the facts in hand and an on educated platform.

Teach children the value of time – both their own and that of others. Kids who value time, even understanding that it is not fair to make others late because they overslept, understand that consideration is important in relationships.

Read great works of literature with your child. Countless studies have shown that when children learn to assess the situations of characters and empathize with their emotions that they are building their own conscious.

Rely on faith. If you have a faith foundation, use it to teach your children about your beliefs and the reasons for them. Simply dictating rules is not enough – truly open your own heart about your values, fears, and faith.

Work together toward emotional intelligence. Identifying the emotions of themselves and others is a higher level of thinking that leads to better decisions.

Honor their feelings, even when you don’t understand them. Sometimes I have no idea why my child might be acting a certain way – maybe melting on the spot and at risk of crying into a puddle. However, when I demonstrate empathy they learn how to recognize their own feelings, and in turn, have respect for the feelings of others.

Give them opportunities and time. Let them sort out their own opinions and weigh their options, and try to let them make the decision. It might only be which activity to do on a weekend, but they need opportunities to consider the benefits and downsides.

It can be so difficult to watch children flounder as they struggle to make decisions, especially when we feel like we have the right or safe or best answers. I have even heard at least of my kids say, “I just wish I didn’t have to decide!” However, even when the situations are difficult, I always try to remind my kids that they should feel grateful they have a decision to make, because then their life is truly more their own.

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Are You Ready to Be a Stay-at-Home Mom?

Tags: finances, mom at home, stay-at-home mom

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I never knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom until I became a mom. My daughter was 2 when I graduated from college and was offered what might have been considered a dream job, but for so many reasons, I turned it down and made the move to become a full-time stay-at-home mother. I was young, had no friends who stayed home with their children, and we were not yet financially fruitful in our young marriage. Life as a stay-at-home mom was full of challenges and changes, but as the moths grew into years and we welcomed 3 more children into our family, I clearly saw that this was the best choice for us.

As amazing and wonderful as being a stay-at-home mom can be, if you don’t plan for the realities of it the stress and responsibilities can be daunting. Over the years I made my fumbles, but thankfully was, and still am, able to stay home with all of my children and be a part of their everyday lives in ways I just don’t think I could if I had taken that dream job.

• If at all possible practice with a single-income budget before you make the move to become a stay-at-home mom. Stash your current paycheck into savings and only use the income provided by your spouse. This will give you a real-world sampling of what it will be like to live on one paycheck.
• Consider which things you can comfortably live without in order to reach your goal of living on a single income. Look for things you can remove the expense of and still find similar benefits elsewhere.
• Cable – check out DVDs from your library instead
• Dinner out once week – go for dinner out once a month or take a picnic somewhere so you still feel like you are getting out
• Winter vacations – consider travelling in off seasons for reduced rates
• Gym membership – get together with moms from the neighborhood to work out together (set days/times for meeting to walk) or look for used equipment for the home
• Wine of the month club – treats like this have the price tag of convenience, so make a trip yourself once month to choose your own treat
• Be ready to clip corners and coupons. I became an expert at searching ads and sale prices and knowing when a bargain is truly a bargain.
• Buy in bulk only when there is not a “best buy” date (unless you have a large family). Things like toilet paper and soap have great shelf lives so stock up when you find rock-bottom prices.
• Buy generic, especially when it comes to your staple items. Stores like Aldi’s carry many household basics at fractions of the cost (and the items often come from the same manufacturers, with different labels thrown on them).
• Find ways to be your own service-person. As the mother of 3 sons (one who grows hair like Sasquatch), I quickly realized that haircuts are one area where I can be the salon manager. I invested $24 in a quality “buzz kit” and found a friend who used to work in a salon to give me some quick lessons. Even if I only cut their hair once each year myself, I had paid for the buzz kit the first time I used it. Other ways you can do the job yourself include:
• Car washing
• Dog grooming
• Manicures/pedicures
• Housecleaning
• Yard maintenance
• Simple home repairs (before we ever consider calling in a repair man we check online – someone somewhere else has always had the same problem and posted their solutions)
• Taxes (it can be intimidating the first year, but you can calm your fears by trying it yourself and then taking it in for review)
• Vehicle maintenance (even my 16 year old daughter has changed the oil in the car)
• Use online resources like Freecycle, Vegsource, FatWallet, and Ebates to make the most of your stay-at-home dollar.

Yes – the finances are an obvious obstacle for parents who want to stay home with their children. However, there are other factors that can become hurdles as well, especially if we don’t go into the situation with both eyes wide open. Staying home with the kids has wonderful benefits, but there can be some hidden dangers along the way. If both partners are not on board with the decision you are setting yourself up for resentment and frustration, and much larger problems down the road.

• Make the budget together so there are no surprises.
• Set aside time to be a couple. You will need this even more once you start spending the majority of your time home with the demands of young children, but your partner will also need to know that you still have time and energy for him.
• Clearly set up the expectations of the household. Your partner might think that you staying home means you take on all of the household responsibilities, 7 days a week. If this is not your intention – be up front with it. Tell him you need him to help with dishes on the weekends or vacuuming on Saturday morning.
• Stay-at-home moms have large workloads that just sometimes go unrealized by partners, but approaching the situation calmly and respectfully is better than just wishing he would help more at bath-time but resenting him because he doesn’t.

Find others who are stay-at-home parents for companionship and compassion (you will give and receive both!). Friends who also stay home with their kids are great resources for budget hints, time-saving strategies, and the latest free concerts for the toddlers on weekday morning. You can also take turns babysitting so each of you get that much needed sanity break (even if it is just to run to the grocery store).

The life of a stay-at-home mom is not very glamorous or sadly, highly respected, in many circles. You need to choose this path because it is your passion and because you truly feel it is right for your family. If you do, maybe in the end you will find that it is your dream job, just like I did.

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There are wings on our car. Not the tangible, feather encrusted kind, but independent wings that just lifted my daughter as she drove by herself for the first time today. She took all of the driver’s training classes, passed through behind the wheel experiences with flying colors and all too-quickly passed her driving test. Suddenly it is much more than driving that worries me – I have thoughts from car-jackings to car fires to attempted abductions flitting through my mind, and I have to wonder: Did I do enough to prepare my teenager for the responsibility of driving on her own?

Teenagers grow up quickly enough as it is, and then suddenly they are living much more independent lives with cars keys in hand. As worried as I am about my daughter every time she drives away, I am confident that her preparation was sound, both in driving classes and life experiences, and that my worries can further be eased by implementing a few more driver safety guidelines in our family.

Even though we homeschool, I readily put the responsibility and trust in another source to teach my daughter about the rules of the road from a technical standpoint. My children are probably pretty typical – they are sometimes more apt to listen and less apt to insert their own versions when they are listening to someone other than me – the mom. I wanted her to hear from police officers about road laws and safety. I wanted her to watch the videos that showed the real and immense dangers of car crashes. Yes – I wanted her scared – to a certain point.

If your teenager is ready for driver education, consider the following:

Your own driving – I have never been more conscious of my own driving than when I knew my daughter was paying close attention to my every move. No cell phone use for me and no speeding (even when I felt like I was at a snail’s pace). I even found myself talking out loud about why I made certain driving decisions – such as why I didn’t pass the farm machinery that was making us late.

Cost – Shop around, both for school programs, home programs, and accredited programs in your community. In our area the costs were about equal.

Training – While the costs might have been relatively the same, the experiences of the trainers were vastly different. In the school settings sometimes the driving instructor doubles as the gym coach, and is not a dedicated professional to this specific course. Then there was me – a newbie. For us the formal driving school offered the most experienced staff, and the best 1:1 ratio of learning (outside of home).

Reputation – Talk to other parents and listen to their experiences. We had several formal programs from which to choose, and by far the one we selected had the best reviews.

Driving Apps – Our daughter is using a pretty cool program from State Farm. One portion of it is a paper log the new driver completes with the participation of at least one parent that can later be used to receive insurance deductions. The other part, an app she has on her iPod, records things like acceleration, cornering, and time spent driving. I get a report emailed to me after her trips. Our daughter appreciated the feedback, especially since she doesn’t always have an adult with her for guidance. We appreciate the extra monitoring so we know how things are progressing for her with the newfound independence.

The first time my daughter drove with her permit, I felt like my mom. My invisible gas and brake pedals on the passenger side were fully engaged as she drove. Even though at first I wished I could close my eyes, I was able to relax myself enough to be the calm, nurturing driving instructor seated next to her. Fortunately for both of us, she is a very cautious driver (maybe those videos helped do the trick!). For more than 6 months we practiced (yes – I needed to practice giving up my invisible pedals).

Start small – The first places our daughter drove with her permit were country back roads with little or no traffic. It is enough for them to get the feel of the wheel; they don’t need rush hour to add to the pressure.

Be calm – I admit that the first few times on the road I opted for my husband to sit next to my daughter in the front seat, leading her way. I managed not to be a backseat driver (but I had my eyes closed a few times).

Gradually add in experiences – We moved from back road driving to city driving, but made sure that we eased into it during times of low-traffic levels. She didn’t practice driving at night for the first few weeks, either. We also eased in winter driving – a Midwest treat with icy and snowy roads.

The sound of silence – She had 3 younger brothers along for many of the rides, but we implemented a low-noise rule when she drives. No or low radio, and no or low sounds from brothers. She’ll have plenty of years to drive with distractions being thrown at her.

Constructive criticism – There were times when my daughter needed gentle reminders or clarifications while driving. I made every effort to deliver these is a quiet tone. Sometimes I waited until she finished driving to go over decisions she made so as not to distract her from her driving.

Affirmation – I will never forget the day we were cruising along at 55 mph with my teen at the wheel. Another driver pulled out directly in front of us to cross the road. My daughter slammed on the brakes, very aware of the situation, even managing to check her review mirror to see if we were in danger from being hit from behind for such an abrupt change of speed. Things went flying off of van seats, but my daughter’s cool remained intact. We narrowly avoided a crash. I gave my child affirmation that she did everything right, and praised her quick actions and choices. As frightening as it was, it gave us a great opportunity to talk about how distracted driving can quickly change things, and you have to be just as concerned about the other drivers. If she had been using a cell phone or otherwise distracted, her reactions would not have been so quick.

As my daughter took the keys for her first time alone, suddenly knowing the road rules weren’t enough. I tried to make sure that she was prepared for anything and everything, and I included the more obvious rules. As she smiled and half-laughed at my mothering, I told her that if she gets to use the car, I get to pretend to be my mom once again!

• No cell phones – at all.
• You must only drive to the destinations we have discussed (today was school, church, and home).
• Upon your arrival you need to text me, and do so again before you leave your destination, and again when you arrive. Basically be your own GPS.
• You may not give a ride to anyone.
• If you are worried you are being followed, drive to a crowded destination with lots of people outside.
• Park under a street light or in a well-lit area, especially if it will be twilight or dark when you enter or exit your car.
• Always lock your car – preferably without leaving the keys in it.
• Always have back-up cash for emergencies.
• Know how to fill the car with gas – and don’t leave it on empty for me!
• When you walk to and from your car, pay attention to your surroundings and keep your keys in your hand (they double as a weapon if needed).
• Come back home. We love you aren’t quite ready for you to let your wings take you too far.

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