Finding a College Fit for Your Kids

Tags: choosing a college, college, kids and college, paying for college

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Helping Kids Select a College that Works for Them

Yesterday I sat among other parents, most of us wondering how the time moved by so quickly, listening to advice from a Dean of Admissions at a local private college. We’ve all known this time was coming for our children, when they would spread their still damp educational wings and hit the runway on the next portion of their lives – college. And the advice we heard was poignant and timely – college it about finding the fit. As parents, our challenge is letting that fit be what works best for our children, and not for our own personal hopes and dreams.

Determining the College Fit for Your Kids

Repeatedly I heard yesterday about fit – that college is so much more than academics. The Dean who spoke to our group of apprehensive and eager parents highlighted some of the important pieces that make up the fit for college-bound kids.  All of those pieces will combine together to equal the sum total of what your child wants to do for 24 hours each day.

When determining the pieces, ask your kids these questions:

• Do you want to play a sport, either on the college team or an intramural team?
• Do you want to play an instrument in a college band or orchestra?
• Do you hope to join a speech or debate team?
• Do you want to participate in on campus journalism?
• Are there special types of leagues or clubs in which you want to participate? (robotics, theatre, environmental, political, etc.)
• Do you plan to work while attending college – either on or off campus?
• Do you prefer a college with religious teachings, chapel services, etc.?
• What is the campus security system like?
• What type of climate do you want to be in for college?
• Do you plan to have a vehicle on campus? (not all campuses allow this, especially for freshmen)
• Do you want to live on campus, commute from home (given that is OK with Mom and Dad), or live off campus?
• Is there a particular area of study in which you are interested? If yes, how modern are the equipment supplies and resources (i.e. – you want to study broadcasting and the campus does or does not have its own green screen)?

When you and your child have thought about these kinds of issues, the answers will help you narrow down your searches for colleges. Yesterday at the meeting I heard the statistic that only 16% of students travel out of state to attend college, so chances are you will be looking locally, for both cost and comfort reasons. The advice we received yesterday encouraged kids and parents to have a goal of developing a list of about 3-5 colleges that match the criteria your child needs, and be wary of wait-lists (which this Dean said is a waste of our time and money as parents helping our kids find colleges that fit).

The application process can be quite long in many situations, so don’t let your child wait until mid-year of his senior year of high school to start applying. Many colleges have fall application due dates. When you add a college to your list of contenders, make sure you take note of details regarding the application deadline.

What About Paying for College?

Obviously the school choice will be impacted by financial considerations, but there are few things to remember when determining if you and your child can afford a particular school.

• Private colleges often have a larger price-tag on the cover, but offer more free financial aid than public universities. In our region, the private school has a tuition rate that is 3xs at high as the local public university, but the loan debt is lower for the private school students because of more available aid from private sources.
• Ask each college directly about “in-house” scholarships and awards that might not be initially visible in the possible financial aid package. Some schools, like the one I visited yesterday, offer complete and partial scholarships based on an interview and application process that occurs on campus.
• Take advantage of PSEO (post-secondary enrollment options) opportunities if they are offered in your area. In our state children can attend college classes for dual credit at no cost to families. My daughter will be graduating from high school and completing her sophomore year of college at the same time – a time and money saver.

Talk with your kids openly about expectations and plans for the future. Even though it can be surreal to find yourself already at the point of raising high school students who are looking forward to college and careers, planning ahead and helping children find the right fit for them is a step in the right direction.  

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Just whistle while you work… the 7 dwarves had such a great work ethic, but fairy tales don’t always come easily. Raising children who are self-disciplined, responsible, self-reliant, and who have a strong work ethic is not as simple as just whistling the day away. However, there are some things we can do as parents to help instill the value of work in our children, and we don’t need any does of magic to do it.

1. Don’t praise raw talent.

Children have different talents and abilities that help define who they are, but no one is born with a fully developed set of skills. Instead, those talents and abilities can be pursued and grown – the athlete who seems to have a natural talent as a quarterback still has to work endless hours during practice in order to hone his skills, or the architect who has a creative flair for design still had to attend school, work as an apprentice, and then finally create her own masterpieces.

Instead of praising our children’s innate abilities (those things that they seem naturally inclined to excel while doing), we should be applying focus to their growth efforts. If we praise our kids for things like intellect that are more raw tendencies, it becomes difficult for them to accept perceived failures. The fear of failure can be crippling, especially when it comes to the motivation to work as it might just be easier to stand still than risk moving forward and falling.

2. Give miniature doses of control.

When we give ownership of tasks to our kids, we tell them that we trust them, believe in them, and need them to make decisions that will improve outcomes. If your child’s responsibility is to feed the pets, don’t simply buy the food and make all of the necessary arrangements regarding the animals in the home. Take your child shopping for the pet food and let him select which one is most appropriate for your pet. Have your child arrange where the feeding dish gets placed, when the pets get fed, and the cleaning of the pet food bowls. It is also your child’s responsibility to write a note when more food is needed. These smaller doses of control can be hard to relinquish (especially if you have preferences for all of these things that you are now handing over to your child), but the lasting lessons from this true form of responsibility will be worth it.

3. Don’t rescue your kids from failure.

Just the other day my son came in from bike riding and asked his dad to help him repair the mess that his bike chain had become. Instead of just jumping up and fixing the bike, my husband asked my son what he had done to fix it, and told him to keep trying. Even though there was a look of extreme frustration on my boy’s face, my patient and practical husband told him where the tools were that he could use, asked him about what he had already tried, and then asked him what he thought he could try next. These types of conversations keep the decision-making process the responsibility of the child, and require that the child continues to provide the effort. Even though my son would have been grateful just to quickly have his dad fix the bike and ride off into the sunset, the pride and sense of accomplishment my son got from persevering and figuring it out was much more valuable.

4. Be a role model.

Our children are our mirrors – they show us all of our accomplishments and our flaws, and this is never truer than when it comes to work ethic. If you come home from work complaining and bemoaning your job, or doing the bare minimum around the house, your children will learn to loathe work and find the easiest ways out of it.

• Tell your kids why you value your job.
• Tell your kids why you like and appreciate your job.
• Talk with your kids about the value of caring for the home and the family members in the home.
• Don’t just work so that they can play – share the responsibilities in the home so that you can share the fun with the family.

5. Use chore charts.

These can help establish routines of responsibility. Schedules of chores help keep you and your kids on track, and they are great visual ways for children to feel like their contributions matter to the family. They see their name “in lights” and can earn a sense of accomplishment for the efforts they put forth.

6. Volunteer with your kids.

Working together for the good of the community is a great teaching tool for work ethic. Children learn that making efforts and contributing to society have value beyond just cleaning their bedrooms so they can have video game privileges.

Work ethic is not an innate talent or ability. It is the characteristic that is comprised of positive traits most parents want to instill in their children – self-reliance, discipline, accountability, and patience. When kids grow up believing that their efforts are needed, appreciate, and required, they have the opportunity to develop work ethics. How do you help your kids learn the value of hard work?

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 Why Chores Are Important for Work Ethic

Even the word “chore” sounds like a downer – it rhymes with “bore”, people rarely say it with a smile, and even the definition in the dictionary defines “chore” in part as: a difficult or disagreeable task. So how can we as parents then teach our children to have strong work ethics when we present them with practice through the dreaded chores? The truth is: we can’t do it without chores. Use a different word, but the idea still remains. Tasks, jobs, assignments, and required or needed activities help children learn about work ethic, and work ethic is one of the most important characteristics we can help our children develop.

What is Work Ethic?

Work ethic is not limited to jobs that earn money. It is that something extra that encompasses several traits in order to get the job done:

• Perseverance
• Self-discipline
• Accountability
• Frustration tolerance
• Responsibility

The sum total of these attributes help to form your child’s work ethic (or define what your child needs to further develop in order to achieve a strong work ethic). As my kids are getting older I am definitely seeing the impacts of work ethics, among my own children and among their friends and peers. As I watch how some kids are eager and willing to help with and do anything, and others emphatically turn away from anything they don’t feel like doing, it strikes me how different children can have such different work ethics – and I wonder what I as a parent can do to make sure that I am instilling the strongest foundation for the characteristics that help define work ethic.

Why is Work Ethic Important?

I recently read about some very interesting and intriguing studies about work ethic and overindulgence in children. One intensive study conducted by Harvard University, which became known as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, found that the single largest predictor of the mental health of adults was the development of work ethic that begin in childhood.

• Those men who were labeled “competent and industrious” by age 14 years were twice as likely to develop warm relationships with family and friends.
• These men were also five times as likely to have jobs that paid well.
• In this same group, the men were 16 times less likely to experience significant unemployment as adults.

Another study about work ethic and children conducted by sociologist J.S. Clausen found that those in early adolescence who were determined as youth to have self-confidence, be dependable, and use intellect in problem solving are more likely to grow into adults who are

• Employed in satisfying careers
• Less likely to struggle with mid-life crises
• In better relationships and facing fewer divorces

There are some kids who are always right there – offering to help with groceries, household tasks, and whatever project might adults might be pursuing. And then there are other kids who clearly want to do the bare minimum – and see no real need to move beyond that, especially without prodding. My own children are honestly somewhere in the middle, but can definitely rise to the top and are learning to do so more and more as they get older. But I want to make sure they strive for more and don’t settle for less when it comes to work ethic.

How Does Overindulgence Impact Work Ethic?

I have these friends – and their children are the hardest working groups of kids I know. The kids don’t have video game consoles coming out of their ears (they actually don’t even have a single television in their home), and they have a hobby farm that requires diligence and real work every day. Even though the parents both have jobs that pay very well, the children are not indulged in any materialistic way. They work for it (whatever it is that they want), or they don’t get it.

According to research, it is no surprise that these children who are not indulged (much less overindulged), have extremely strong work ethics. Overindulgence isn’t just for the super wealthy, as it comes in ways that don’t have to involve money. We overindulge our children when we

• Allow them to not do the chores or tasks we have already asked them to do.
• Don’t hold them accountable for efforts that are only mediocre.
• Let them determine which, if any, contributions to the home they will make instead of leading the way with guidelines for what needs to happen in order for the home to run smoothly.
• Predictably give in to their pleas for more and better without requiring that they put in effort to see those things happen.

Overindulgence doesn’t teach work ethic – it is one of the enemies of it. It teaches children that they can have a lot without putting forth the effort. And even though it can be more comfortable as a parent to give to our kids than to expect them to work for what they want in life, we do them a disservice when we go about their world like this. Research shows that innate intelligence isn’t even as important in life successes and health as a person’s level of effort – his or her work ethic. When we overindulge we raise kids who

• Have less self-assertion skills and are more dependent
• Have less concern for the well-being of others
• Are less self-reliant
• Are at risk to be more likely to give in to peer pressure when it comes to alcohol and drug abuse

So – overindulgence is bad and work ethic is powerful – but how do we raise children who are self-reliant, self-disciplined, tolerant, and accountable? It is not easy, especially in this world of immediacy, privilege, and instant gratification. But there are ways. Come back for my next piece that talks about raising children with work ethic – with some research based ways to instill these strong values in our kids – and some practical ways to implement these ideas into your home.

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Healthy Lunches for Back to School

School is just around the corner, and that means thousands of lunch bags will soon be packed. In order to make sure your kids are the ones eating the food you pack instead of trading it for someone’s leftover dessert, try a few of these easy and healthy lunchbox options.

On a Roll!

Sandwiches get boring – so change it up a bit by making a healthy roll-up for your kids. Tortillas come in all sorts of flavors and options, from white, to wheat, to spinach, and more. Pick your kids’ favorite or have them try something new, and then add some of the following toppings.

• Shredded turkey (shredding it makes it easier to eat on a roll-up)
• Shredded lettuce
• Cheese (you can use sliced, crumbled Feta, or shredded)
• Sliced tomatoes, cucumbers, green peppers, or even shredded carrot (use whatever your kids will eat!)
• Fresh basil leaves

Roll up the tortilla (you can easily make this a vegetarian one by skipping the meat) and add a small reusable container of Ranch dressing or other sauce for dipping. If your child doesn’t want to dip, you can drizzle seasoned olive oil the toppings before rolling.

Pita Pocket Pizzas

For another alternative to bread, use pita pockets for your child’s sandwich. My kids love turning whole wheat ones into pizza pita pockets by filling them with cold versions of pizza ingredients.

• Sliced pepperoni, salami, or chopped ham
• Shredded mozzarella
• Sliced black olives
• Chopped peppers
• Any other pizza topping – you could use ham and pineapple, or go veggie with pepper and fresh tomatoes.

Drizzle olive oil over the toppings in the pita pocket that has been infused with Italian inspired spices like oregano, basil, and garlic.

Appetizers for Lunch

Just because it is a school lunch doesn’t mean it has to look like one. My kids love taking appetizers for lunches, and they are easy to pack and serve. Skip the Lunchables, though, as these are expensive, have a lot of container waste, and generally have higher calorie foods included. I like to use reusable plastic containers that come with mini dividers in them like these.

• Add into your container ingredients that your kids won’t be trading:
• Chunks of cheese – try different flavors at the deli to experiment with new kinds your kids might like.
• Crackers – we like whole wheat ones and baked ones for healthier versions. You can also try Rye-crisps, too.
• Slices of cucumber, pepper, tomato, radish, or fresh peas in the pod
• Small slices of fresh deli meat (or skip for a vegetarian option)
• A side serving of hummus for the crackers and veggies

1 1/2 cups of drained canned Great Northern white beans, chick peas, or garbanzo      beans

1/4 onion, finely chopped

1 tsp. minced garlic – if you don’t have it fresh you can get it packed in a jar with olive oil

1 tsp. Kosher salt

1 tsp. black pepper

Dash of lemon juice (I also like a dash of hot sauce, but only use according to your child’s taste preferences)

1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil

1. In a food processor puree beans until they are coarsely pureed.
2. Add onion, garlic, lemon juice, salt, and pepper.
3. Add olive oil and puree once more.
4. Add more salt, pepper, hot sauce, etc. to taste.

Fruit Salad Dip

Go beyond the apple or banana and send your kids with small containers of cut up fruit – cantaloupe, strawberries, honeydew, watermelon, etc. – and add in a side container of fruit dip. The dip can be considered part of the dessert (and you can send graham crackers to use with it as well), but it also helps encourage finicky fruit eaters to get their servings of fruit each day.

Easy Fruit Dip Recipe

• 6 ounces of softened fat free cream cheese
• 1 tsp. of lemon juice
• 1 to 11/2 cups of powdered sugar
• Skim milk (you’ll be adding enough to get a smooth consistency – roughly ½ cup, but add in smaller amounts until it is desired thickness.
• Blend all ingredients until smooth and store in the refrigerator. For lunches, serve ¼ cup of the fruit dip in a small reusable plastic container.

Pasta Salad Smorgasbord

Pasta salads are easy, healthy, and versatile (and easy to serve in a reusable bowl and keep cold in the lunchbox). At the beginning of the week, make a large box of whole wheat or whole grain pasta noodles (Rotini, Penne, etc.). Divide the noodles out and mix with varieties of ingredients for several different kinds of salads (no one wants to eat tuna pasta salad all week). Try some of these combinations.

• Chunked chicken breast, fat free mayo or salad dressing, frozen peas, chunks of cheese
• Tuna, chopped celery and peppers, fat free mayo, salt and pepper
• Tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, olives, fresh basil leaves, and crumbled Feta (drizzle with Italian dressing or flavored olive oil
• Chunks of salami or pepperoni, shredded mozzarella, chunks of tomatoes and peppers, and a dash of oregano for a pizza version – use olive oil for dressing

Other Easy Lunchbox Add-Ins

School lunches don’t have to require you spend hours of prep work in the kitchen, but if you invest an hour or so on a Sunday evening chopping and preparing, you can have the basics ready for a week’s worth of healthy lunches. Don’t buy individual, pre-packaged servings – these are usually more expensive, have higher preservatives, and increase packaging waste. Buy in bulk and then repackage into reusable containers.

• Yogurt
• Granola with raisins (and nuts if allowed at your child’s school)
• String cheese
• 0 calorie drink mixes your child can add to his water bottle (invest in reusable water bottles).

Even though I homeschool, I still use these recipes to plan ahead and serve healthy lunches for my kids, and my daughter takes these with her to campus (she’s attending college). My kids even like to use lunchboxes and pack their food so we can eat on the go if we want – and that happens every week – but saves our wallets and our waistlines from the drive-thru windows.

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5 Ways to Ruin Behavior Charts

Tags: behavior charts, behaviors, charts, motivation charts, reward charts

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Brush your teeth. Clean your room. Put your laundry away. Feed the pets. Share toys with your baby brother. There are endless streams of behaviors and actions parents want to see from their kids and behavior charts can be an effective way to encourage and establish positive routines. However, all of those efforts can be washed down the parenting drain if you follow these 5 ways to ruin behavior charts for your kids (and yourself).

1. Offer Sky High Rewards

If you offer tickets to the movies for making their beds for a week, what do you have to ante up if they clean the bathroom for a month? One of the easiest ways to sabotage your own efforts with motivation charts for your kids is to make the stakes too high. I’ve been there before – you are just so eager to have your kids take on the responsibility that the idea of something beyond gold stars becomes like a grand master plan. Intrinsic motivation – that voice inside of you that tells you that doing something is good simply because it works – doesn’t respond well to movie tickets or grand prizes. The magic of those rewards fades quickly and kids are often learning just how to get more, rather than how to get more out of life.

• Emphasize that the reward of the motivation chart is simply completing the goal – and you can mark steps to that goal with gold stickers, blue check marks, or other simple symbols that mark progress.
• If you want to offer small tokens of appreciation for jobs well done, mix it up and surprise your kids when they have completed the tasks successfully instead of dangling them as bait.

2. Ignore the Charts

If you create a motivation chart, explain to your daughter how it works, and then walk away – you should’ve just saved the paper and not done it at all. Even though motivation charts are supposed to help make things easier and help teach your children to be more independent and responsible, they often still require some involvement from you. If you have a 4-year-old you’re trying to get into the habit of brushing her own teeth, getting dressed on her own, and independently taking her dirty laundry to the hamper, you can’t just hang up the behavior chart and leave the rest to her. Habits are formed over time and the first commitment you need to make to a behavior chart is your own.

• Place the chart where you both will remember to use it – at the height that is appropriate for your child.
• Establish a routine for the time of day when you expect the chart to be used (and when you’ll remember to double check the chart).
• If you notice your child hasn’t completed the activities from the chart, a simple reminder of “Are you ready to check your goals on the chart?” is sometimes all it takes.

3. Make The Goals Too Complicated

Behavior charts are designed to make life easier, encouraging kids to build independence and strengthen desired behaviors. If your chart needs a code to decipher and you include everything from making the bed to mowing the lawn on Fridays and completing 8 hours of homework each week – your chart might just be too overwhelming to work well.

• Select 3 goals that are valuable to your child and your family and use these as the focus for your motivation charts.
• Consider one chart for school related items, another for basic home responsibilities.

4. Use Charts that Highlight Division Among Siblings

If they are not used carefully, behavior charts in families with more than one child can be giant signs that read “Billy needs to work harder than anyone else!” While not every child in every family will respond to behavior charts in the same way, no child in the family should feel singled out among siblings to be the one with the chart.

• Consider a family chart, where every member in the family has one or two tasks or goals to reach each week. When the family succeeds, the family can all celebrate together – dinner out, a picnic at the park, etc.
• Meet with each child separately and make two selections together for the chart – one goal you see needs more attention, another goal your child sees as a priority. This way everyone is included with the chart and it can foster teamwork.

5. Use Behavior Charts when They Just Aren’t Working

Behavior charts are very visual – but not every child is a visual learner. Not every child will positively react to a desired behavior being visually listed on the wall. It might be stressful or simply inconsequential. Parenting is about finding what works for your kids so that your family can be successful and peaceful.

• If your child is an auditory and verbal learner, set aside time each day to talk about goals and have a check-in to make sure she is on track. This is different from reminding and nagging – this should be a time when you peacefully come together to review the plan, or maybe is just your child coming to you and telling you the things she accomplished that day.
• If your child learns best through tangible experiences, try a new approach. If the goal is to get your son to dress himself each morning, instead of listing that on the chart, help him set his clothes out the night before in a visible location so that in the morning he knows where he put his clothes and has them in his sights. Create an environment where the things he needs to accomplish his tasks are within his reach and a part of his other behaviors (the laundry hamper can have a basketball hoop over it, teeth brushing can include a sand timer he gets to turn over, etc.).

If you decide to use a motivation or behavior chart, set yourself and your children up for success by avoiding these 5 pitfalls. And check out these other ideas for behavior charts that can make parenting a little easier, and your home a little happier.

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Parenting Teens – An Uphill Sprint

I’m nervous. I have teenagers in the house and the time I spend with them seems to be going at warp speed. There are lifelong lessons yet to be taught, memories to be made, and faith to be shared. But how will I ever teach them everything they need to know, especially amid the teenage hormones, struggles for independence, and a race against the clock?

How to Communicate with Teenagers

I recently read “Grounded for Life?!” by Louise Felton Tracy, M.S., and found her experiences and humor to be the right dose of parenting insight. The subtitle of the book – Stop blowing your fuse and start communicating with your teenager – gets to the heart of the matter. As parents we need to communicate with our teenagers. Unfortunately, we sometimes forget that this doesn’t mean telling them what to do and how to do it and having them listen. It sometimes means we are the ones who have some learning to do.

Tracy’s book focuses on how parents can change their own mindset so that they are more effective parents of teenagers (all kids, really). Each chapter has steps for progress in different areas of parenting – and are presented from Tracy’s own experience as a parent and counselor. As I read these chapters, I began to implement some of the lesson into my own parenting of teens (and her lessons are not always as easy as they seem).

Parents are not responsible for everything that happens to their teenagers. Teens need daily opportunities to think about problems, make decisions, and make mistakes.

This one is a tough one for me. Intellectually I know that this makes sense, but emotionally it is very difficult for me to separate myself from my children on some issues. If I know that a situation could be easier, safer, or more successful because I’ve lived enough years, it is challenging for me not to impart my wisdom. But then I have to remind myself that the key is that I lived those years. I had those experiences and I learned from them – not because they were dictated to me. For me this relinquishing of control and security comes through small steps.

• I ask myself if my child is capable of making the right choice. Having the tools and using the tools are two separate things, but I have to remind myself that as long as my kids have the tools, it is up to them to learn how and when to use them.
• I try to listen more than I talk. Usually my teens just want and need someone to bounce ideas off of as they sort it out for themselves.
• I work to define which problems are mine to tackle, which ones truly belong to my kids, and which ones will require a team effort. Sometimes I have to be willing to let there be another team member – my husband, a sibling, or even my teens’ friends. It’s not all about me.

Upgrade your opinion of your child. Avoid offering advice, solutions, generalizations, probing questions, and judgments.

Tracy gives great examples of how this has worked in her family, and it really has made a difference in mine. I’m a talker, and I know that I need to reign it in when it comes to dishing out opinions and ideas in front of my kids, or they won’t have enough space in which to create their own.

If I really want to say, “You’re going to wear that?” – I hold back, count silently to 20, and reevaluate if I really need to say anything at all. If it isn’t against the rule of what is proper, just what is kind on my eyes, I need to let it be. Now that I don’t say anything about wardrobes, my kids actually come to me and ask what I think (and then I still try to just smile and nod!).

React with humor, tolerance, and honesty.

This is one of the most important lessons for parents of teens.  Not only does it help make for a calmer household, but I feel a thousand percent better about my job as Mom at the end of the day when I can look back and say that I did these things. I have 3 boys after all – humor is a must!

We joke around and laugh at ourselves, every day. I also have learned the strong importance that humor plays with boys – and teenage boys are prime examples. They use humor to interact with the world, and if we want to interact with them, we had better learn how to speak their language.

I tolerate noise, messes, teenage ideas, and crazy schedules. In return I get healthy relationships with my teens.

• Open your home to the friends of your teens – open doors are rarely a bad thing.
• Open your refrigerator to the friends of your teens – share meals not only with your kids, but with their friends (the way to a teenage boys’ heart is through his stomach!).
• Open your mind to new ideas – your teens are living in a new world and their ideas will be different from those that you had at their ages.

The teenage years are not the time to start keeping secrets. It is one of the most important times we have as parents to be honest – we are helping to prepare our kids for the real world. The truth is sometimes not easy, but our teens are on the cusp of adulthood, where the truth is powerful and empowering.

If you’re a parent of tweens or teens, consider Tracy’s book – a fast read that includes personal stories and examples throughout. If nothing else you’ll know that you’re not alone – somewhere out there are more parents who are pulling out their hair in exasperation at the same time they are grieving over the end of the era. It often feels as though our teens are growing up so quickly that we are racing uphill to keep up with them and help them to be ready for their “real lives”, but in actuality they are living their lives right now. Our kids are growing up. Time for us to let them do that. And somebody please bring me a bucket of water as I cross the finish line – this is hard work – and it is only really the beginning.

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Homeschooling Teenagers and Surviving It

Are you really going to homeschool your son in high school? That was the question a “curious” parent asked me as we waited for the baseball game to begin. And the look on her face said, “You’ve got to be crazy if you think you can homeschool a teenager!” Call me crazy, then.

Homeschooling through high school isn’t a walk in the park, but it is also far from impossible. As I approach fall with one child dual enrolling as a sophomore in college and a senior in high school homeschool and another who is getting ready for 9^th grade as a homeschooler, I know homeschooling a teenager can be done. However, doing it easily, well, and without stressing the relationships between parents and teens isn’t something to take for granted. Homeschooling during high school requires part patience, part humor, part dedication, and a steel spine (to protect you from teenage hormones and the crazy looks you get at baseball games).

Homeschool High School – How Can I Teach That?

You don’t have to be an expert in every field in order to homeschool your kids in high school (although proficiency and knowledge do help). One of the benefits of not being an expert is raising a child who has to learn how to learn, instead of learn how to regurgitate. If you are wary of certain subjects, like math or biology, make those your priority for gathering top-rated curriculum. And take a deep breath – you can homeschool during high school.

• You can purchase supplemental lectures such as D.I.V.E. packages that correlate with Saxon Algebra. My daughter was ready to work on her own at her own pace, and these lectures gave her what she needed to know to succeed with her studies.
• Look at the Khan Academy for detailed lectures and information on wide ranges of curriculum.
• Invest in the solution manuals – not just the answer keys. Solution manuals often have enough details included to make teaching and understanding the concepts much more doable.
• Check with your school district for enrollment possibilities for certain subjects. In my state, homeschoolers can attend public school classes through agreed upon arrangements with the school. I have friends who send their kids to public school for classes such as Spanish and Chemistry – it saves on curriculum money and teaching anxiety.
• Find other parents with whom you can swap teachings. Maybe your friend’s husband is a computer programmer and he can supervise a computer language course for the kids, and you can teach the kids a literature course.
• Look for co-ops in your area that specialize in high school programs. Just make sure the teachers for these classes are bringing a bit more to the table than you could provide on your own. We utilized a co-op program that had parent teachers who were wonderful in their specialized areas of study (homeschool parents are often closet geeks in certain subjects!). But there were also some teachers who, honestly, didn’t really have a firm grasp of the courses.

Homeschool High School – How will They Ever Be Socialized?

If you’re homeschooling through high school, thank goodness they won’t be socialized ­– by other teenagers, that is. Socialization is about so much more than being confined to a classroom of peers of the same age, socioeconomic status, and general neighborhood experiences. That doesn’t prepare our kids for the real world.

High school sports – Check with your state to see how your child can participate in high school sports. Here in the lovely state of Minnesota I can even register my homeschool as its own entity with the State High School League. Fortunately, in MN we can also join the athletic team for our resident school district. Yep – it means lots of extra driving for me to get my son to school every day for practices and meetings – but we make it work in our schedules.

Volunteer time – The teenage years are perfect for volunteering – the kids are more independent and can do more activities in the community, and they are at a point in their lives when they can absorb the deeper meanings behind topics such as need, responsibility, and community involvement. This is real socialization.

Friends – Friends are really waiting around every corner, so you just need to keep walking until you find a few. In public schools the friend-possibilities are thrown at you – “Here – quick – pick some people to sit with at lunch!” For high school homeschoolers friendships are made purposefully and naturally. I have always made sure my kids kept active – not just so they can meet new people but so that they can explore the world. My kids are just as active, if not more so, in extracurricular activities as their high school counterparts who sit in brick and mortar schools. Some of these activities that foster friendships are homeschool driven (such as homeschool classes and field trips), and others are community based.

• Young Historians program through local historical society
• Youth activities through church
• 4-H club activities
• Community sport programs
• School sport programs
• Public service organizations
• Living

What about prom? – My kids most likely won’t have a typical high school prom (although they could go as the dates of others), but my daughter has already been to two formal dances – one a community dance and the other a college formal. It was fun for her, but prom is not something she laments over not having. Keep your options open and remember that a prom doesn’t prepare you for life – living prepares you for life.

Whenever my kids hear other people question how I can spend so much time with my children – it genuinely makes them feel badly. Not for themselves, but for the children of these other parents. My kids love knowing that not only can I survive spending time with them, but that I actually enjoy it and look forward to it!

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/TwaO2R21Ag8/

Forced to Breastfeed?

Tags: breastfeeding, formula feeding, nutrition

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First giant cups of cola, now baby formula

New York is becoming the leader in beverage controversy, and this time it directly affects families with babies. NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants to end the sale of sugary super-sized sodas in an effort to trim the fat from the waistlines of citizens. Today he targeted moms in an effort to reduce the use of formula and increase the numbers of breastfeeding mothers. No more cute little packages of marketing-driven formula samples handed out in delivery rooms like summer-time parade candy.

Latch On NYC

The new health initiative entitled “Latch On NYC” is an effort to encourage mothers to choose breastfeeding over formula feeding. Hospitals in New York are going to be asked to keep infant formula locked up and only offered if mothers request it or it is otherwise necessary to offer the alternative feeding choice. In conjunction with the New York City Department of Health, Bloomberg hopes that by reducing the fervent access mothers have to formula it will naturally promote breastfeeding.

The Benefits of Breastfeeding

The push for breastfeeding is also making its way to the subways of NYC and throughout various hospitals with a poster campaign. Nurses at participating hospitals will be encouraged to inform new moms of the benefits of breastfeeding.

• Breast milk is easier for babies to digest.
• Breast milk helps boost the immune systems of newborns.
• New moms can be more successful at getting back to a pre-pregnancy size by breastfeeding.
• Breastfeeding helps reduce the risks of asthma and diabetes in children.
• Breastfed babies tend to be at healthier weight during childhood.
• Breastfeeding reduces the mother’s risks of ovarian and breast cancer.
• Breastfeeding is inexpensive (free!) and available prepared on demand (for most moms).
• The United States would save $13 billion every year if 90% of mothers breastfed because medical costs are lower when babies are breastfed.
• There is reduced pollution from empty formula cans and tubs.
• Infants and mothers are able to form close, nurturing bonds that can increase emotional attachments.

The Problem with Breastfeeding

Even though the benefits of breastfeeding are numerous, it does bring about some challenges that this campaign does not address. Mothers who breastfeed are not supported by strong laws and regulations in the workforce that allow them to have the time and dedication it takes to be a working mom and a breastfeeding mom. In reality, breastfeeding also contributes to a more productive workforce because infants who are breastfed are healthier and moms miss fewer days of work for ill children. Insurance and medical costs for these children are also lower, benefiting employers as well. But until employers are forced to provide environments that support breastfeeding employees, removing formula samples from the shelves of hospitals seems to be a futile attempt at breastfeeding support.

Real Ways to Support Breastfeeding

Recent out-lashings against mothers who breastfeed in public are evidence of just how far society, especially American society, has to go when it comes to accepting breastfeeding as a normal, healthy, and preferred way to feed babies. The World Health Organization even recommends that mothers breastfeed their babies until at least age 2 for the nutritional and health benefits is provides – can you imagine American society accepting and supporting that?

There are many times when mothers can’t breastfeed – adoption, illness, inadequate milk supply, etc. – but for the majority of healthy moms and babies, breastfeeding is possible. While Bloomberg’s goal of increased breastfeeding is positive, it needs to coincide with laws and regulations that support breastfeeding moms in the workforce. With my first child I did not feel as though I was able to continue breastfeeding, especially after going back to work – I was in a building with a small bathroom and no place to pump – and only allowed a 10 minute break (which for my overflowing chest would have resulted in even more leaking and not enough time to pump both sides). To successfully breastfeed my other children for at least one year I had to surround myself with other mothers who supported that decision – which is not as easy as it sounds (and I became a stay-at-home mom).

Regulating and controlling access to baby formula samples does not empower new mothers. Teaching them about the health benefits, providing work environments that support breastfeeding, and socially accepting breastfeeding as a wonderful choice is empowering. What we need most are moms (breastfeeding or not) to step up and demand that women have the opportunity and support to breastfeed their children.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/-t-stOkuc-o/

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I was recently at a party and I kept overhearing the conversations floating between a group of women – all commiserating with each other about how “boring” it would be to “just be” a stay-at-home mom. These women all work full-time outside of the home and all were agreeing that stay-at-home moms have too much time on their hands, not enough challenges, and just can’t be fulfilled. Those are fight’n words!

Stay-at-Home Moms Under Attack

This attitude has been reflected again and again, in the media, politics, and among women across the United States. Deborah Jacobs, in an article published at Forbes.com, attempts to defend moms who work at home by extolling the virtue of not judging by appearance. As a mom who works outside of the home, Jacobs repeatedly remarks in her article about how she fantasizes about the lives of stay-at-home moms who don elegant yogi attire – but then goes on to say that

“A lot of those moms may wish they were employed outside the home but can’t find a job, or can’t find one that would pay more than the childcare they would inevitably have to compensate someone else to perform. Or maybe they are in an abusive marriage with someone who controls them, won’t let them work, and belittles them if their body fat gets higher than that of a supermodel.”

Seriously? Her reasoning for not judging stay-at-home moms is because they might not be able to get any other type of job that pays enough for a babysitter or because their husbands are abusive and controlling? That’s the kind of defense stay-at-home moms can do without.

Why Moms Choose to Stay Home

I know I don’t live in a bubble. Of the many friends I have who stay home with their kids, I don’t know any who do so because they can’t get a better job or because their husbands won’t let them leave the cocoon of the home. Stay-at-home moms choose their job because

• They want to raise their children without outside help.
• They are fulfilled staying home with their children and actively planning and participating in every day.
• They consider the care of the home and family to be of significant value.
• They can’t imagine missing out on moments they can’t get back – 1^st steps, words, etc.
• They plan to pursue an outside career when their children are older and more independent.
• They want to homeschool their kids.
• It is their dream job.

Just because it is a dream doesn’t make it easy. Yes – there are financial and future considerations. But there are those no matter which job a parent takes. The parent who takes a lower-paying job so he can get to the after-school activities on time might risk his job and financial security. The working mom who spends more time at the office than at home might risk missing out on the little moments in her children’s lives.

Probably most challenging and frustrating for parents making decisions about work and family time are the judgments of others. In yet another article that degrades stay-at-home moms, Judith Warner claims that when women choose to stay at home,

“Their position of equality with their husbands is by necessity somewhat eroded. They lose the sense of strength that comes from knowing that, come what may, they can keep themselves and their children afloat economically. They lose intellectual stimulation (assuming that they were lucky enough to have it in their jobs anyway), the easy companionship and structure of the workplace, and recognition from the outside world. And if they don’t have the money to outsource domestic jobs, their freedom from paid work comes at the cost of repetitive thankless tasks — laundry, cleaning and the like — that test their patience and can chip away at their self-worth. The pleasure in this life of course is time with the children, but school-age kids leave a void that many find hard to meaningfully fill.
If women were truly choosing to be home full-time, I think there would probably be a whole lot less emphasis on the hard work involved in doing so and a lot more talk about the privilege that choice would then clearly be.”

The speculations of women who judge other women, such as Warner’s, only creates a larger divide among families. Those are the families who should be able to turn to each other within in communities, but when these types of judgments are passed that fellowship is thwarted.

For more than a decade I considered myself a stay-at-home mom (even though I occasionally did freelance work, I never quantified myself as a work-at-home mom until about 5 years ago). I chose that role. I was offered my supposed dream office job, and instead pursued my real dream job – Mom. And I never had too much time on my hands, felt I wasn’t challenged enough, or wasn’t fulfilled. Sure – stay-at-home moms some days probably wish they just have an office in which to escape for a few tantrum-free hours, a paycheck for all of the work that they do, and respect for the value and commitment they place on their family.

Women – for all of their love, compassion, and strength – are the harshest judges, the coldest critics, and the cruelest when it comes to other women. Perhaps what women need is to take turns doing all jobs – stay-at-home mom, working mom, work-at-home moms – and then settle down and let each other choose what works best in their own unique families. I’ve done all three – and I know where I am happiest, best for my family, and comfortable as myself. I won’t tell you what is best for your family if you don’t proceed to assume I’m bored, unfulfilled, or unhappy with mine. Let’s get back some respect, fellow moms.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/QhraFE44Xbc/

Tooth Care for Tots and Beyond

Tags: behavior charts, chore charts, dental health, dentist, toothbrushing

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I feel like I have just won the lottery when I emerge from the dentist’s office, four kids in tow, and zero cavities on the charts. That is approximately 96 teeth in all (we are somewhere between full adult sets and still working on primary sets). And between those teeth, those children, and all of those years of teeth brushing I realized that totals more than 35,000 times the kids have brushed their teeth (hopefully). I should have bought stock in Colgate. But how is it that something as necessary and basic (and really not time consuming) as brushing teeth can be such a challenge for parents and kids?

Does My Baby Need a Toothbrush?

Yes – but not toothpaste (that can wait until age 2). No one expects a 9-month-old to scrub and rinse effectively, but starting dental care early is essential. The first toothbrush your baby can actually use is a wet washcloth – use it to gently rub your baby’s teeth and gums. I would get a wet, cold washcloth and gently swipe my child’s teeth and gums, then let her take over for a few minutes. If you want something more than a washcloth – especially if your child gets lots of teeth early on – there are a few products designed for the younger crowd.

Finger toothbrush – You place the finger toothbrush (usually made of silicone) over your finger tip and use it to gently massage your baby’s gums and tiny teeth. It can help promote healthy teeth, but I never found it more helpful than a wet washcloth. Also watch out for those biting babies – sticking your finger in a teething child’s mouth isn’t always a safe bet.

Baby brushes – By the time my first child turned 1 she had several teeth and wanted to brush her teeth by herself. A sturdy, larger brush like this one can give your baby the benefits of tooth brushing and is easier for her to grasp. Just watch teething babies who like to chew, chew, chew – those bristles are not made to withstand that much gnawing.

How Can I Teach My Toddler to Brush His Teeth?

For the most part, toddlers don’t like being told how to do anything, but there are a few easy ways to let them convince themselves of how to take care of their teeth.

Brush your teeth in front of them. When my kids were much younger I always made it a point to brush my teeth with the bathroom door open and the kids at my heels. Setting a good example is rarely a bad thing.

Don’t threaten him with the terrors of tooth decay. While the scare tactic of “If you don’t brush your teeth will rot and the dentist will have to pull them” might get him to run to the bathroom and brush his teeth, it also might set him up for a fear of the dentist’s chair.

Use a behavior chart. Tooth brushing is just one of those things that needs to develop into a habit, and habits are created over time through consistent behaviors. This doesn’t mean we as parents need to consistently remind our kids to brush their teeth. Instead, use a chart like the ones below to get your child into the habit.

• Tooth fairy chart
• Clean Teeth Chart
• More charts

Dental Care for Kids

Healthy teeth and gums require more than good brushing. Here are a few other tips I learned along the way that have saved time, energy, and mouth pain for my kids.

• Don’t put sugary drinks in bottles and sippy cups. These can promote early tooth decay.
• Take your child for her first visit to the dentist when she has her first few teeth, but find a dentist who is gentle and patient.
• Get your child hand held flossing picks. They are much easier for kids to use than wrapping dental floss around their fingers, and they are just as effective.
• Talk with your kids about the effects of sticky, sweet foods on their teeth, and the importance of brushing right after those special treats.
• Give your child some choices. This starts when you let them pick their own toothbrush and paste, and moves right through to that first orthodontist appointment. We have one child (so far…) who will benefit from braces, but we are letting him choose when he is ready for that step. He is the one who will have to change some of his eating habits to accommodate the braces, brush even more diligently than before, and put up with the orthodontist visits and the apparatus in his mouth. I guess I just have to put up with the bill!

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/DWN2dRktOqE/