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My husband once told me that I wouldn’t be able to talk if I lost my arms. They move, gesture, get excited, and reflect my emotions. I’ve noticed that my kids are developing this same tendency as well – we must look like a small flock of birds when we are really excited or joyful about something.

These good, positive emotions, however, are sometimes overlooked in importance when it comes to emotion coaching our children. We focus on helping them through the rough spots – frustration, stress, anger, fear, and sadness (which is great), but we more easily dismiss positive emotions and the effects those can have on our kids and our families. Positive emotions can be just as overwhelming as those that we view as negative, and can even lead to similar reactions and consequences.

What Does Emotion Coaching Have to Do With It?

If the idea of emotion coaching or emotional intelligence is new to you – do not be afraid. Arm yourself with a few good reads, such as Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman, Ph.D., or one of many pieces by Daniel Goleman, a leading proponent of teaching children through emotional awareness.

As you dive through their work, or reflect on it if you are already familiar with it, consider some of those times we forget as parents to use emotion coaching because the emotions just feel good. Why would we need to coach our kids’ ways through joy, fulfillment, or satisfaction? Because they can get so wrapped up in these positive emotions that the fallout is splashed with negative consequences. One of the most important keys to emotion coaching is developing empathy, and positive emotions are often very closely intertwined with empathetic reactions.

Sometimes when kids get overwhelmed with positive emotions, they might do one of the following:

• Talk over someone because their excitement makes them forget their manners.
• Be so excited or filled with anticipation that a poor decision is made in the rushed haste of the situation.
• Get louder and louder in their conversations, forgetting that others might not want to continue to hear about it, especially when they come close to breaking the sound barrier.
• Become stressed – for some children these positive emotions can tumble over each other in a stampede.

How can we emotion coach for the positive emotions?

The steps for emotion coaching with your kids through the positive emotions are similar to how you would emotion coach through emotions that are more difficult.

• Be open to their emotions and ask them open-ended questions.
• Validate their emotions by repeating them back (I hear you saying that school was really hard today and you felt anxious and frustrated. What can you tell me about some of the things that made it difficult?).
• Give your child some vocabulary and definitions for emotions beyond happy and sad – you are adding to their emotion toolkit.
• Help them seek and discover ways to address emotions and find solutions to problems when appropriate.

If you’re still unsure about how positive emotions can lead to negative consequences, consider the following two scenarios and how situations like these might crop up in your family’s life. I know they do in mine, and I have to be just as ready to help my kids through their excitement and joy as I do their disappointments and frustrations.

Example 1: Take One for The Team

Your son has been working hard for a starting position on the hockey team, and finally he makes it. This makes him ecstatic, relieved, and validated. However, somewhere in the locker room there is another child who just lost his position as a starter. An essential part of emotion coaching is helping our kids realize that their own elated emotions might be painful for those around them – empathy. How can you emotion coach your child to enjoy those positive emotions and yet respect the reactions of others?

• Spend lots of time talking about the difference between pride and ego. In our home pride is defined as something we feel on the inside, but ego rides on our shoulders for everyone else to see (and it is usually dressed in poor taste).
• Take time to talk about hypothetical situations where your personal, positive emotions might not be well received, and how you can manage those to be appropriate and respectful of others.
• Allow for a time and place to share and celebrate those positive emotions. Encourage this by saying things to your kids such as, “I always look forward to hearing about your practices over dinner where you can tell me about the plans for the next game.”
• Acknowledge the emotions of both persons or groups of people by saying something such as, “It really sounds like you are happy your hard work and dedication paid off to reach your goals of starting on the team. That must make you feel very good about your work. It is probably a challenge for Jimmy to lose his position, and it is important that he still knows he is a valuable part of the team.”

Example 2: The Not So Happy Birthday Party

Streamers, balloons, and bags of goodies – what could be bad about that? The emotions we typically associate with childhood parties are positive: excitement, anticipation, glee, just to name a few. However, as any parent of a young child probably knows, there can suddenly be a melting point. And this isn’t a slow, gradual thaw followed by a steady dripping. This is an all-out fit, and we are left scratching our heads and wondering where it all went wrong. Good, healthy, positive emotions and situations can also be stressful and develop into emotions that are more challenging to handle.

• Limit the duration of the party so your child has a limited time with which to deal with all of those exciting emotions (which are amplified by the emotions of her friends).
• Make a real assessment of the situation – will your child feel stressed with so many friends or will he be as calm around 13 as he is around 3 buddies?
• Role play with your child before the party, and talk about some of the different ways she might feel, and how she can safely react to those feelings with all of those friends clamoring for her attention.

If you haven’t yet discovered the benefits of emotion coaching your children, take the time to discover what it is and how studies show that it can benefit your kids and entire family. Even though the typical approach is to focus on dealing with negative emotions, our kids need tools to sift their ways through the overwhelming implications of positive emotions as well.

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Easy Money Saving Tips for Families

Tags: family finances, financial literacy, money saving tips, saving money, teaching finances to kids

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That Help Promote Financial Literacy

Finances can be as stressful on families as health issues, moving to a new home, or starting a new job. Part of my job description as domestic engineer (it says so on my coffee cup) is to help my family use our money wisely, and to teach our kids how to do the same. We engage our kids in our spending as a family, and hopefully are teaching them to make decisions about money instead of reacting to money needs. Part of this learning process is making decisions that bend the dollars and stretch our ways as a family of looking at typical expenses. We get creative and have homemade recipes, try to get organized to avoid some money pitfalls, and keep looking for new ways to make the most of it all.

Making Cents at the Grocery Store

• Use printable coupons (or save ones to your phone for retailers who offer barcode technology for coupons – no ink costs needed). If your kids have their favorite cereal or snack food, go directly to that manufacturer’s website and sign up for the email coupons (just be sure to opt out of the promotional emails). I use a “junk email” name for all of these purposes so I know exactly where to go when I want my coupons and my regular inbox isn’t flooded with marketing information.
• The problem I have had with printing coupons from home is that they are so large that I feel like I am wasting as much money as I am saving by spending paper and ink money. To solve this I began savings coupons in smaller sizes and combining them onto one page. It is the barcode and the barcode number that is needed at check-out, not the size of those things.
• Take your kids grocery shopping. I know the first inclination might be to avoid this, but when we take our kids grocery shopping we can save money in the long-run.
• Teach your kids first-hand about how much food costs and they can be more aware of wasteful choices in packaging and serving sizes.
• Take a few calculators along so they can help determine the best prices.
• Put someone in charge of coupons, someone in charge of “sale signs”, and someone in charge of the duplicate master list (never, ever, give away your master list – it is like giving away keys to the kingdom).
• Feed the kids first – nothing makes grocery shopping harder than hungry kids.
• Divide the store into zones. My kids each have areas of the store they know best and are in charge of getting to know what kind of deli meat Dad likes or how to tell which kinds of bread are really whole wheat.
• Use reusable shopping bags – Many grocers and retailers will give you a few cents off of your purchase when you use them, saving you a few dollars of the year. The larger savings can come in organization (you won’t be attacked by a falling stack of plastic bags), teaching stewardship to your kids (reduce-reuse-recycle), and fewer lost items that tumble out and plat on the pavement as your sheer plastic bag rips and the jar of salad dressing shatters on your church shoes. The bonus is that most retailers don’t require that you use their reusable bag, so you can even sew ones yourself from extra material you have at home.

The Beauty of Saving Money

I like to indulge myself in make-up and my own special, favorite hair styling aids. But I know I can spend way too much if I’m not prudent about the costs (and what I can do to shave some of them).

• Buy shampoo and conditioner in bulk and transfer to smaller bottles to make it easier in the shower.
• Use plain yogurt to give life and sheen to your hair. Take about ½ cup of it and add it to your damp (unwashed) hair. Let it sit for 15 minutes, then rinse it with lukewarm water and wash your hair with your regular shampoo.
• Use baby powder to absorb excess oils at the roots of your hair an keep your hair looking healthy between shampoos.
• To add some bounce to your hair, take ½ cup of beer and let it sit in a cup until flat, then add one raw egg and 1 teaspoon of canola oil to the flat beer and mix well. Put this mixture on damp, unwashed hair and let it sit for 10 minutes or so. Then rinse your hair with cool water and shampoo as you normally would – and instant shiny, smooth hair without salon prices!
• Ask for samples. When I go to the beauty salon I ask for samples of the styling products they use so I can try those at home. So many times we can get sucked into buying the product because our hair looks great while sitting in the chair and we think it must be the product and I have to have it! But then we get home and realize it was the stylist who made our hair look great and I am now are the proud owner of a very expensive hair treatment that doesn’t do much.

Don’t Take Out a Loan for Laundry

I wash a lot of clothes in this house. Between 4 kids, the sports they play, the activities we do, and living a full and busy life, laundry is a constant. When you add the bulkiness of winter laundry with jeans, sweatshirts, and long johns it can seem like Mt. Washmore is about ready to take over the basement some days. Some of my favorite laundry tips to save time and money include:

• Zip the zippers on the jeans before you throw them in the wash. Nothing causes snags and scratch marks like stray jean zippers on your new, soft cotton shirt.
• Buy laundry soap in bulk, even if you only have 1 or 2 kids and not as much laundry. The expiration dates are almost null and void, and you’ll have less plastic waste from containers.
• Pay attention to those silly little laundry lines on the caps of the bottles. They aren’t there to help you conserve the amount of detergent you add to your load. Even when the kids test the dirt resistance of their clothes by rolling the riverbank I still don’t have to go overboard on the soap (if I have a quality detergent).
• Try a homemade recipe for laundry soap. If it works on this large family (the Duggars), it just might work for you! I find that really hard stains still need an extra stain remover like Oxyclean (great for football pants).
• Get each one of the kids their own small laundry basket (this idea I got from a friend who told me his mom did that years ago and it worked for their large family). All of my kids have a basket into which I directly put their clean and folded laundry (our laundry room is in the basement, their rooms are on the 2^nd floor). They are all responsible for taking their own baskets to their rooms and putting the laundry away. The baskets might have cost a few dollars each, but I save time and it teaches the kids responsibility in the process (even as toddlers they did this).

Financial Literacy

We teach our kids the alphabet, how to read, and how to recognize their phone numbers, but we sometimes forget how important it is to teach financial literacy. This doesn’t always mean complaining about the prices of gas (which I do, too, and just did again last night), but it means to teach them to be proactive about money.

How do you teach your kids to be financially wise?

How do you help your family save money?

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For Busy Parents of Little Ones

You’ve got drool marks across your shoulders, congealed bananas in your hair, and a wet-wipe hitchhiking on the bottom on your slipper (and you don’t even want to know how it go there or why it’s staying). Date night is perhaps the furthest thing from your mind – but it’s time to put it back somewhere in the frontal lobe where you can dream about it and even have fun with it. If you’re a parent of wee little ones and you just feel like date night will never happen again, try some of these mini-date night versions that are doable, even if you don’t have a babysitter and still have that banana in your hair. You need date night – and your kids need you to have date night.

5 Date Night Ideas You Can Do at Home

1. Dinner for Two – Feed the kids at the typical dinner hour (and just feed your husband enough to tide him over), then proceed about your evening as usual. Once the kids are bathed and in bed, throw some burgers or steaks on the grill, or even just arrange a plate of meats, cheeses, crackers, and fruit for the two of you. Light some candles at the table or spread out a blanket and eat on the floor next to the fireplace. When you can take even 15 minutes to do this a couple of times a month you’ll be amazed at how much more connected you can feel to your partner – no babysitter required.

2. Drive-in Movie Mini-van Style – Grab the baby monitor, the laptop, and your favorite boxes of munchies and head to the minivan in the garage for your own drive-in movie (just don’t turn on the engine in the enclosed space!). You can just watch something on Netflix, or grab a DVD from Redbox when you’re at the grocery store buying more bananas. You’ll be in your own space, and you won’t have to also stare at the laundry pile sitting on the edge of the sofa waiting to be folded.

3. Dance – Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers love to dance, and are hardly as picky about their music as teenagers can be. Take advantage of your kids’ love for music and put together some songs that remind you and your partner of you as a couple – your wedding song, first date song, or the tunes that would waft through the windows of your first apartment together. Then ask him to dance. Let the kids boogie around you, but make sure you save a few songs just for each other.

4. Table of Plenty – You might have entertained friends eons ago when your dishes coordinated and there was not a wet-wipe to be found in the house. Bring back some of those fun evenings and invite some friends over (probably those who have kids, too, so they understand the drool across the shoulder and even come with a coordinating look). Just opening up your home and hearts to an evening with friends can make you feel like a real, live person once again, instead of a diaper vending machine. You can order pizza, have a Wii sing-off, or just share some group family time together.

5. Walk Down Memory Lane – Pull out pictures of you and your partner when you were both kids through the time that you met. Share memories with each other about those years before you knew each other, and start to create a family photo album with these photographs and notes about those younger years. Young kids love to look at pictures of their parents and imagine their mom and dad as kids – almost impossible sometimes. Compare pictures of yourselves as babies to those of your kids, and even create pages just for these side-by-side comparisons. Even just spending 20 minutes one evening a month reminiscing and sharing stories will help you feel connected.

Whatever you do, keep building those connections with your partner and dedicating even mini-date nights to each other. There will come a day when the house will be quieter, the kids less dependent on you for their mashed bananas. Don’t find yourself on that day staring at a person you have forgotten how to laugh with or spend time together. Marriage takes commitment and time (just like our kids), but our kids are depending on us to find ways to make that happen. You can (should) still have date nights (drool marks and wet-wipes are optional).

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Despite what the headlines read, such as this one from TIME – It’s O.K. to Let Babies Cry It Out at Bedtime – parents should dig a little deeper when it comes to the results of new studies widely reported today. If you just skim over the subtitles, you might be led to believe that you should just close the door and grab the earplugs while your infant screams throughout the night. But hang on a minute and understand what the researchers actually studied and found, which are far cries from crying all night.

Two Sleep Training Methods Tested

The researchers involved with this latest study did not actually investigate the repercussions parents and babies face if babies are left to “cry it out”. Instead, researchers closely examined two sleep-training methods for the impacts they had on both parents and babies.

• Controlled Comforting (also known as Controlled Crying)
• Camping Out Method (also known as Adult Fading)

Neither one of these methods actually equate to children “crying it out” through the night as some parents might unfortunately assume. There are detailed steps involved with using either method, and also unfortunately, most of the articles that are reporting the success of these methods in light of the current research findings are not thoroughly explaining how to use these techniques. Give the simplistic explanations, some new moms and dads might find themselves with sleepless nights and even more frustration.

What is Controlled Comforting – and how does it really work?

There are important things to remember if you are a parent interested in the Controlled Comforting method of encouraging your infant to fall asleep independently and stay asleep.

• This method is not recommended for infants younger than 6 months of age. (The study looked at children between the ages of 7 months and 2 years.)
• A baby older than 6 months of age who is crying in a crib and unable to sleep is “settled” by the parent or caregiver by the adult talking in soothing tones or patting the baby’s back until the infant is quiet OR after one minute.
• After one minute or a quiet baby (let’s face it – most of us would be looking at the one minute mark), the parent leaves the room.
• If the baby starts crying again, the parent waits a predetermined amount of time before re-entering the room (perhaps 1-2 minutes at first).
• This pattern is repeated, only at increasing rates for leaving the baby alone (such as 1 minute the first time, then 2, then 3 minutes, and so on).

This process continues until the baby stays asleep independently. Parents are not encouraged with this process to pick up the child. Perhaps even more challenging for parents, however, is when the child is screaming, perhaps trying to perform a rock-climbing-wall escape on Dad’s arms, leaving scratch-marks along the way. This method care exhaust parents faster than children, and leave both exhausted the next day.

Those against the Controlled Comforting method give many reasons why it shouldn’t be used. However, the research findings that were released today stating that parents who use this method have no greater instances of depression and their children show no adverse signs after 5 years will probably bring renewed attention to this method and a few stressed nights for parents as they try this approach.

What is the Camping Out method – and how does it really work?

The Camping Out technique is used to encourage babies and toddlers (and even older children who are struggling with sleeping through the night) to settle themselves and stay sleeping. The overall premise is that children learn to self-sooth as opposed to the intermittent parental comforting in the Controlled Comforting method. If you’re going to try this method, you should know that there are different interpretations of it, but the most successful methods are based on gradual and consistent practices.

• Just like the Controlled Comforting method, the Camping Out technique should not be used in babies younger than 6 months of age or with those who are ill (fever, cough, or something more severe).
• Parents place a bed, chair, or other comfortable piece of furniture next to the crib and sit or lie down within reach of the baby.
• Parents pat their babies’ heads or gently rub their bellies until their baby has fallen asleep, at which point the parent can leave the room, and return to follow the same steps when babies wake. Proponents of this technique say a baby should be able to learn to fall asleep (even if they don’t stay asleep) like this within 3 nights (those people never met one of my kids).
• After a baby is used to falling asleep like this, parents go to sit or lie down next to the crib until the baby falls asleep, but do not touch the baby, and then leave the room (again, supposedly occurring within 3-4 nights).
• The next step is to move the bed or chair about 2 feet away from the crib and remain there until Baby falls asleep. Parents again return to this pattern if Baby awakens.
• Parents continue to move their bed or chair closer and closer to the door over periods of several weeks until the baby is able to sleep without Mom or Dad in the room at all.
• Proponents say it is important for this technique that throughout this process parents remain as quiet and unaffected as possible, avoiding eye contact and keeping the lights dim or off.

Just like with the other method, there are professionals, parents, and babies, who do not like this method for a variety of reasons. It can be very challenging for some parents to maintain such a calm demeanor with a screaming child who just wants to be held. Breastfeeding moms can also find either one of these methods counterproductive if their babies still wake at night to nurse. Other parents find that using methods like these are counterintuitive to creating relationships with their babies based on trust, attachment, and security.

If the latest research reports that Controlled Comforting and Camping Out are not detrimental to children and their parents makes you want to try these to help bring some sleep-filled nights into your home, just make sure you understand the processes and are ready for the energy the short-term steps will require. Or you can rest assured that by the time your child is a teen he won’t still be clamoring to get out of his crib – you’ll have a hard enough time just getting him out of bed in the morning!

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Do You Want or Need to Go Back to Work After Baby?

I wanted nothing more than to be present for every moment of my newborn’s life, but our wants sometime compete with our needs more than we would like them to do. I wanted to finish my college degree, so I needed to work at my job to pay for it. Instead of staying home each and every day with my first child, I left the house before she was awake, leaving my husband to get her ready for daycare. I worked until lunchtime, and then drove as a determined new mom to fill my arms with her again. And four evenings a week I attended night classes, and somehow fit in an internship as well, to graduate with honors – a goal I wanted to reach and felt I needed to do for myself and my family.

Life as a working mom is like Grandma’s tater-tot hotdish. The scent of it is enticing, there are ingredients that are sometimes hard to swallow (like surprise chunks of mushrooms), and there is a perfectly arranged and tasty top layer that makes your reminiscing soul smile. And sometimes it requires a little extra on the side – like a big dose of ketchup.

Wants and Needs

If you are wrestling with the decision to either go back to work after your baby is born or whether you should leave your paying gig for title of Stay-at-Home-Mom, there are many worries, concerns, issues, and logistical quagmires to weigh. As with most things, it is easiest to start in the beginning – and in this situation, that means defining your needs and your wants (and hoping that the two of them can play nicely with each other).

Financial Changes when Going Back to Work

One of the reasons why so many moms work outside of the home is for a paycheck. To the extent that the paycheck is a need or a want is a very individual decision. To help you determine which it is for you, ask yourself (and your partner) the following questions.

• Are we able to pay the rent, utilities, and insurance with one paycheck? (If the answer is no, you most likely need to work outside of the home.)
• What are our financial goals for one year, 5 years, 10 years, and beyond? (If you haven’t had this discussion, now is the time to do it.)
• Will working outside of the home allow me to reach my financial goals? (Believe it or not, just because you are working 40 hours outside of the home doesn’t mean you’re in the home stretch when it comes to financial security.)
• Will we be able to maintain at least a 6 month reserve in our bank account for financial emergencies?
• How much money will I save by staying home (professional wardrobe, daycare, travel, etc.)?
• How much money do I realistically want for things like karate lessons for the kids and trips to the zoo?
• Will the financial implications be more like surprise mushroom chunks or perfectly golden browned tots on top?

Emotional Changes when Going Back to Work

Being a mother is one of the most amazing experiences a woman can have – but that doesn’t mean that it is the only experience a woman can have. If you are considering wearing two hats – one for the job you do as Mom and one for the job that gives you a paycheck, ask yourself the following questions to see if the emotional challenges and rewards are right for you.

• Do I want to work outside of the home? (Don’t let your answer make you feel guilty either way – you are entitled to your own wants even though you are Mom.)
• Does working outside of the home make me feel fulfilled? (It is OK to say yes – it doesn’t mean that you love your job as Mom any less.)
• Do I have emotional support from my partner for either decision I make?
• Do I have a support system of people who are having similar experiences, either other stay-at-home moms or working moms? (If not – find some – common groups are comforting.)
• When I think of staying home with the kids, do I feel any resentment towards them or my partner for the loss of the satisfaction I feel working outside of the home? (Resentment can breed hostility, which isn’t good for anyone in the family.)

Choosing to Go Back to Work After Baby

As parents we get to make the hard decisions, and sometimes those decisions are hardest on us as moms. We feel pressures from our own social circles, our extended families, our bosses and co-workers, and even the neighbors. If you are deciding to go back to work after your baby has arrived, go back with a happy heart. Research has been indicating that children whose mothers work outside of the home can lead happy, healthy lives, just like those kids whose moms stay home with them. Probably one of the biggest differences is how Mom and Dad go about their choices.

• A mom who is happy and content can better care for and lead her children to find happiness and contentment. Even if your decision to go back to work is based on a need, find things to be happy about in your circumstances.
• Young children don’t have the emotional tools to always understand their parents’ decisions. If you are going back to work but don’t want to be there, your children can pick up on those feelings rather quickly if you mope and complain about your situation. This can make them feel responsible for your decision.
• Your children will learn positive work ethic habits when they see you dedicated to and proud of your situation, no matter which road you choose. Be careful of how you present your choice to either go back to work or stay home.
• There is no magic forever button so be ready to accept more changes. I did go back to work after my first child was born because it allowed my wants and my needs to coexist. Then by the time she was 2-years-old I was a stay-at-home mom, which eventually turned into a work-at-home-mom.

For me this path of changes in motherhood is like Grandma’s tator-tot hotdish. Surprises along the way that sometimes make my nose wrinkle, but still a delicious dish I get to savor.

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That’s Not a Typo – You Might Have a Pantrum on Your Hands

A screaming voice, pounding fists, and stomping feet – sounds like a tantrum, right? But what if it is a pantrum? I recently read a parental mind-stretching book, Parenting Your Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance, by Christopher McCurry, Ph.D. that describes this cross between a childhood tantrum and a panic attack. The signs of each individually are similar, but how we deal with our children when they are experiencing more than just a tantrum can make all the difference.

Children and Anxiety

Children are not immune from anxious feelings and fear – and in fact these feelings are quite normal for our kids. They worry about the Boogeyman, spiders, and school. However, there are significant differences between experiencing fear or anxiety and being diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. According to McCurry, between 6 and 20 percent of children experience anxiety to such a severe degree that they can be diagnosed with a disorder. While these numbers seem quite high, these numbers reflect a wide range and extensive variables that cover “anxiety disorders”. Among those most common for children to be diagnosed with are:

• Separation anxiety – excessive and extensive worry that is inappropriately balanced regarding the separation from a caregiver
• Simple or specific phobia – a disproportionate fear over a specific event that generally results in avoidance behaviors to the degree that it disrupts everyday life
• Social phobia or anxiety – intense anxiety displayed in common and typical social settings (i.e. going to the mall)
• Panic disorder and agoraphobia – much more than shyness, these disorders make children anxious about anxiety, and usually result in physical symptoms such as rapid breathing
• Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) – chronic worry, usually about things that have very low likelihoods of actually occurring
• Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – includes two sets of behaviors – one internal and one external – that reflect anxious thoughts that are extremely difficult to manage, and the obsessive thoughts often lead to obsessive and repeated actions

For those children who are already struggling with other issues such as ADHD, Asperger’s, learning disorders, or depression, anxiety disorders can be additional components, known as comorbidity. The symptoms of these various conditions can make diagnoses much more challenging. McCurry strongly urges parents who are concerned that their children might be struggling with an anxiety disorder to seek very thorough assessments with their children, especially when other health issues are parts of the picture.

“Normal” Anxiety in Children

While many parents might feel that their children fit the descriptions of actual anxiety disorders, it is often more common for children to just be experiencing childhood worries and fears. Childhood fears tend to appear their worst between the ages of 7 and 9, but anxiety steadily increases between the ages of 4 and 12.

ABC Technique for Addressing Anxiety

McCurry describes a great tool for us as parents to use when helping our children move through their anxious thoughts (whether diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or not), hopefully equipping them with the skills needed to successfully manage fears and prevent anxious thoughts from interrupting daily life. Known to psychologists as the ABCs, this technique helps us as parents look for patterns in events and behaviors. Once we can see the patterns, we can seek ways to address the activators before we are just left dealing with the consequences.

• A – Activators – the events and circumstances that provoke the feelings of fear and anxiety
• B – Behaviors – public and private behaviors that include your child’s thoughts, feelings, and actions as a result of the anxious feelings
• C – Consequences – the reaction of the child’s world (especially social world) as a result of the anxious actions

If we let the issues control the situations, we then risk doing what McCurry refers to as “the dance” – where we try to minimize the intrusions and uncomfortable feelings that the consequences bring. We threaten, bribe, overly-reassure, and dance around the reactions instead of deal with the activators.

ACT for Anxiety

Are you ready for another acronym? ACT, pronounced liked the word, refers to acceptance and commitment therapy. I am drawn to this approach because it really gets to the heart of parenting. Yesterday I wrote about the value of commitment in a marriage – and really find that it is also direly required for parenting (as is acceptance). The two goals of ACT when it comes to helping your child deal with anxiety are:

• Acceptance (defined here as the opposite of denial and ignorance) – acknowledging the reality of what is happening at the moment, the good, the bad, and the very ugly
• Commitment (defined as declaring a goal and taking ownership of what it takes to get there, even if there are missteps along the way) – taking an action so that you and your child can reach goals to which you have committed, instead of reacting or trying to control the negative thoughts and feelings out of fear and frustration

McCurry gives lengthy and detailed descriptions of how to use ACT within your family to regain positive acceptance of each other, fears and anxieties included. If you’ve read this far, perhaps it means that you or one of your kids deals with anxiety, even if not an actual anxiety order. Perhaps you are like me and you see glimmers of worry and sometimes anxiety (or maybe even a pantrum) in your children’s eyes and you want to do everything you can to help them. Then read Parenting Your Anxious Child with Mindfulness and Acceptance. It is at least a starting point for filling the parental toolbox with positive skills for teaching our kids to interact with, embrace, and love the world in which they live. Boogeyman and all.

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Making Marriage Work

Tags: commitment, divorce, family, humor, marriage

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A Parent’s Gift to a Child

One of the greatest gifts my parents ever gave me as a child was the example of a committed, cooperative, and engaged marriage. Until I was married and had children of my own, I didn’t realize how important that gift was from my own parents, or just how much energy it can take to remain partners in crime for decades. Research shows children who grow up in a home with parents who are committed to each other and their marriage are most likely to live healthy teen and adult lives. Four children (gulp) later and working towards my 18^th year of marriage (double gulp), I’ve come to a place in my life where I’m reflecting on all of those years – and all of those things that help to keep a marriage working.

Commitment – This is one of my favorite definitions of commitment when it comes to marriage: “…a choice to give up choices.” There is no weighing of options when the going gets tough, no back door that is left open, and the what ifs aren’t distractions. There are obviously some situations where marriages end for the safety of a spouse or the children – those are exceptions to the rule of commitment. Research does show, however, that marriages built on commitment can outlast even years of discontentment and unhappiness. In a national survey, three-fifths of formerly unhappily married couples reported that after five years they were either happy or quite happy. Commitment carried them through to the other side.

Building Commitment

• Another thing I’ve learned from my parents is that commitment takes energy, and there is no stopping point when it comes to putting forth those efforts. The larger picture of marital commitment can be built in part by making smaller commitments that show your partner that you’re still present.
• Be committed to rituals that demonstrate you are thinking of your spouse. Every morning my husband tells me he loves me and gives me a kiss before he leaves for work. Every summer I make my husband’s favorite family recipe with fresh Swiss chard, and every Christmas he gets his favorite cashew cookies. These small rituals tell our partners that we still want to honor them.
• Renew a courting tradition. When my husband and I were dating we lived hours apart, so sending cards in the mail or leaving cards for him to find after I left a visit were small ways I let him know I was thinking of him when we were apart. My goal for this month is to revive this tradition and go back to my Hallmark days.

Humor – The research is also clear on this one: humor helps build stronger romantic relationships. And let’s face it, if we are going to spend the rest of our lives with someone, we are going to have a lot more fun if we can laugh together. Couples who are satisfied with their marriage tend to use humor in their interactions, making jokes about themselves and engaging in gentle teasing.

Bringing Funny Back

• Nothing feels quite like a good laugh-until-you-have-tears-streaming-down-your-face (or in my case – snorts and squeals leaking from my nose and throat) shared with your partner.
• Attend a comedy show together. Not only is that hour or two a fun way to spend date night, but it gives you something to share together later, reliving some of your favorite lines and laughing all over again.
• Share jokes and humorous stories together. It takes just minutes to read something like The Fart that (Almost) Altered My Destiny together – but it can lighten your day and help bring smiles to both of your faces.
• Laugh at yourself. You will do stupid things in your life – you are human – so get over the imperfections and learn to laugh at yourself. I talk and walk in my sleep and the first time I awakened in the middle of a sleepy conversation I was mortified that my husband saw me acting like a lunatic, but I’ve had to either learn to get over myself or not sleep in the same room with him. Now when I wake him up by turning on all of the lights and trying to move the bed (with him in it) in search of something I don’t remember, we laugh together.

Honesty – This one can be a real doozy. How does my hair look? Do these jeans make my butt look big? Husbands around the world often recommend that honesty is not the best policy when it comes to questions like these. But when it comes to things that matter, honesty can make or break a marriage.

• Be responsible for your own ideas, and use statements that show ownership such as “I need…” instead of “if only you would…”.
• Be honest every day. Small moments of deceit and deception so easily lead to large moments of hurtful and harmful lies. Financial matters, health, employment, child rearing, and personal goals all require daily doses of honesty.
• Be honest in front of and with your children. Don’t engage your kids in deceit by saying things such as, “We don’t need to tell Dad XYZ because he won’t really understand.”

Marriage is one of the biggest adventures a person can have. It takes you down rocky roads with steep cliffs, and winds down picturesque trails of beautiful scenery. Along the way we are creating trail guides for our kids, teaching them how to navigate and what to pack for the trip. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for making sure that I knew to pack commitment, humor, and honesty in my suitcase. That’s the best kind of family baggage to carry.

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Helping Children with Neurological Differences

He looks so normal, but is awkward, unique, and stumbling. If you’ve ever had those thoughts about a child you met, or perhaps one of your own children, you might also be encountering someone with a neurological difference. Maybe as your child starts a new year of school you will hear about a boy in class who always talks out of turn, doesn’t make friends very easily, and who frustrates the teacher. You might just be hearing about a child with a neurological difference. Asperger’s, High Functioning Autism (HFA), Nonverbal Learning Disorder (NLD), and pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) are just a few of the conditions that can bewilder adults and make life for children struggling with these conditions more difficult.

The Normal Mask of Asperger’s, NLD, HFA, PDD-NOS

Perhaps one of the most challenging pieces when working with children who have neurological differences such as these is that they look normal. My daughter would probably chastise me for using the word normal, as she is quick to quote that normal is just a setting on the dryer. However, it is what usually runs through peoples’ heads when they interact or live with these children. When it comes to conditions such as NLD, HFA, and PDD-NOS, looks can be so deceiving, and detrimental to being able to provide caring support and have healthy interactions. Kids who have neurological differences might appear to be socially awkward –

• monopolizing conversations
• repeating information
• appearing to have no interest in the ideas of others
• acting in what we might consider to be rude behaviors
• appearing to lack empathy
• getting frustrated easily over small things
• speaking in ego-centered ways (constantly one-upping another person)
• ignoring the ideas or concerns of others

Whether you have never met a child who might fall into one of these categories and display any of these symptoms, or you yourself are raising a child who is learning to live with a neurological difference, take the time to discover how you can be a benefit to these kids. I recently read Children’s Thinking and Behavior, by Leslie Holzhauser-Peters and Leslie True – a heartwarming and practical tool for helping to understand children affected by things like Asperger’s and HFA. When we learn to understand how these children perceive the world, we can build better relationships with them and help their families along the way.

The STAT Approach

The authors of Children’s Thinking and Behavior developed an approach to working with children who have neurological differences called STAT – the Systematic Tool to Analyze Thinking. This method is based on the idea that once we understand how a child with a neurological difference perceives the world, we can improve our interactions and have positive impacts. The basic steps to the STAT include:

1. Assess the situation – This involves the who, what, where, when issues that surround the situation, as well as the emotional state of the child (tired, feeling vulnerable, etc.).
2. Develop a hypothesis – The STAT uses 12 possible categories of answers for why the child acted a certain way – what they might be thinking to themselves. In brief those include:

• Abstract language
• Control/consistency
• Mental flexibility
• Motor
• Thinking about others thinking
• Impulsivity
• Sensory
• Social communication
• Executive functions
• Spatial orientation
• Emotions
• Anxiety

The book further explains each of the 12 issues listed above that can be challenging for children with neurological differences, and gives great personal and real examples of how these affect their daily lives. Throughout the book there are flowcharts to help parents, teachers, caregivers, and community members make choices based on the STAT that will improve relationships and the lives of these kids.

Even if none of your own children are struggling with neurological differences such as Asperger’s, NLD, or PDD-NOS, chances are your children know someone who is or maybe it is the girl next door. There is no telltale mark across the forehead or armband kids wear to designate themselves as neurologically different. Families go through constant struggles with criticisms of their children’s behaviors, exhausting explanations, and worries about what are usually typical childhood situations. Nothing is typical with these disorders.

However, if we take a few minutes to educate ourselves about the signs and better ways to react to them, we can see that these kids often just need a patient and unique approach. It is a fabulous lesson we can teach all of our children to see beyond what looks normal and learn ways to improve our interactions, actions, and relationships by learning ways to react to and interact with these kids who struggle with neurological differences.

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Celebrate the Holiday with Easy Ideas

Where did summer sneak off to during the night? The unofficial end to summer is upon us. If you are caught with a 3-day weekend and no plans for how to enjoy it with the kids, try some of these easy (and inexpensive) ways to enjoy a last hurrah.

What is Labor Day, Anyway?

Seems to me if my kids are getting a 3-day weekend, they should know a little bit more about this holiday than just the fact that it means school is about to start. Labor Day, celebrated in the United States on the first Monday each September, marks the contributions of the American workforce. (I remember once as a child bemoaning the fact that we had to stay home on Labor Day and help chop wood for the winter – and my dad said to work with honor of those who work for our country – hard to argue with that logic).

Teach your kids about the meaning, and value, of Labor Day.

Learn about the history of Labor Day by going to the United States Department of Labor.

Print some Labor Day coloring pages for younger ones to help reinforce the idea of the holiday.

Have the kids play an online game like this one that includes vocabulary associated with Labor Day.

Last Minute Labor Day Party

If you have found yourself with Labor Day here, and no plans for a grand neighborhood barbeque, you can still whip up some end of summer fun with a last minute party. Don’t worry – this one doesn’t involve you inviting hoards of people to your home and backyard. Instead, plan a party that doesn’t require a lot of effort (for anyone).

• Pick a local park, hiking trail, or nature center, and invite friends and family to meet for a hike or to play some outdoor games.
• Encourage everyone to either bring their own picnic lunch, or go potluck style (and everyone brings their own picnic-ware).

This Monday my family will be meeting with a dear friend we haven’t seen in years to have a group hike and picnic. No fancy pre-planning involved, but we are looking forward to a wonderful way to cap off our holiday weekend.

Honor the Workers

I’m all about teaching my kids the deeper meaning, and Labor Day is a great time to do something a little extra that is rewarding and memorable (as well as a teaching moment). Take stock of your community and some of the “unsung heroes” who work to make your neighborhoods or town a better place to live (but who rarely get recognition for it). These might be those who assist the elderly or disabled, the firefighters down the block, or the teachers who are getting ready to head back to the classrooms. Work with your kids to find a way to honor these individuals on Labor Day.

• Make patriotic decorations with your kids and deliver them to a nursing home for the employees to brighten their offices (people in the healthcare industry don’t get a 3 day weekend).
• Help your kids make cupcakes and deliver them to the fire station (again – safety workers don’t get holidays off of work).
• Work with your kids to make care packages for new teachers in your school area. These can include a healthy breakfast bar item, some fun pencils and pens, small bottles of bubble bath or hand sanitizer, and notes of thanks for all of their hard work they are about to do.

Neighborhood Parade

If your city doesn’t have an official Labor Day parade, let your kids come up with their own and invite their friends to participate. Encourage all of the kids to dress up as different professions – doctors, teachers, mailmen, construction workers, etc., and have them parade down the sidewalk. The kids can invite neighbors to come out and watch at a given time, and can even play their own music, decorate their bikes and wagons, or roller blade down the row.

Work

Yes – I know that sounds about as lame and boring as I thought it was when I was a child. I really wanted to be at the lake with my friends that Monday decades ago. But my parents knew I was starting school the next day and should probably hang out at home a little more and get ready. They also knew that putting in a few hours working around the house would not only benefit our family, but teach me a lesson that has stuck with me all of these years. We want to take 3-day vacations and run with them like they are prized doses of fun in a bottle. But if we forget their original intentions, we aren’t doing our kids any favors in the long run.

Work together as a family on Labor Day – and top off the day with a special meal, dessert at the ice cream parlor down the road, or an outdoor movie with the neighbors. Your kids might moan and groan through the labor part of it, but you will teach them lasting lessons in the process, and you can still have a little fun on the last hurrah of summer.

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The biggest privacy issue my parents had to worry about was whether or not I gave out personal information over the home phone (from the rotary dial antique). Now I, and parents around the world, have to deal with technology at the tip of nearly every fingertip, and the vulnerability our kids have to the videotaping and photo-snapping whims of anyone and everyone – and the limitless sharing of those images in the viral world.

Do Laws Protect My Kids Online?

Yes – there are laws protecting children from sexual predators and even cyber-bullying. But what about those grey areas – can anyone post images and videos of my children online, without my consent? According to COPPA (the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act of 1998), there are laws regulating the participation of children under the age of 13 in online activities. This is the law that inhibits Facebook from accepting page creations from those younger than 13, and why online marketing tools will ask users to verify that they are 13 or older. COPPA is an effort to protect children from providing private information (names, birthdates, etc.) to websites. However, this law does not prevent people from posting photographs and videos of minors without their consent, especially when taken in public settings. This is the grey area that can leave our kids vulnerable. This law is also extremely outdated (1998), and should be revisited in light of growing technology.

Waivers for Minors

Many organizations that work with youth, such as church groups, scouts, and 4-H, ask parents to sign waivers when they register their children that allow for pictures and videos of their children to be taken and shared in a public forum.

• If you are asked to sign a waiver, look for these specifics:
• The images and videos will be shared online in a public forum.
• The images and videos could be used for advertising and promotional purposes.
• Your child’s name and general address location (city) might be associated with certain videos or images.

If you’re not OK with these parameters, make sure that you speak up. It is also important, though, that you make your child aware of the restrictions you are placing on their digital privacy so that they can learn to protect themselves.

Teaching Kids to Be Safe Online

Like anything, there are extremes when it comes to parents and the privacy of their children online. Some parents don’t allow a single name or photo of their child to be posted anywhere, and others share and encourage the online documentation of every second of their kids’ lives – almost like a mini version of Kate Plus 8. I’m somewhere in between – raising teenagers who have Facebook pages, cell phones, and use You Tube. We use guidelines in our home that we hope will teach our kids how to navigate the internet, utilize opportunities the digital age provides, and stay safe in the process.

• The kids don’t get Facebook until they are at least 13. It’s about respecting the rules, as well as waiting until they are mature enough to handle situations that might arise.
• We utilize privacy settings.
• My husband and I have access to all social media accounts and passwords, and I was their first friend on Facebook.
• The kids know that we reserve the right to check their cell phones at any time, without notice.
• We utilize internet safety software, especially strict on the kids’ laptop that gets used for schoolwork.
• They know not to post any picture they wouldn’t love to have blown up to life-size and presented to their grandparents as a gift.
• We don’t allow “random strangers” to become social media friends. If they haven’t met in person, we need to approve online connections.
• We respect their rights, as well. I don’t post pictures or tales of their most embarrassing moments. Even in my writings about family, I always ask for their input before I write about situations we have encountered or experiences they have had.

Striking a Balance – Kids’ Pictures and Videos Online

We do allow our kids to have their basic personal information (i.e. name and city) images and videos posted online, and for our family these guidelines work for us. The technology infused age in which our kids live can be scary for parents, but if we give them the tools with which to navigate the information highway, we are helping them live in their time.

Just yesterday my teenage son gave a Performing Arts presentation at the state fair, and was videotaped by people in the crowd, as well as photographed by 4-H and published online. Members from the audience even approached him after his performance and asked him where he was from (to which he has learned to give a general “city” response), and one person that we know of (but whom we don’t know) videotaped him with the plans to post it to her personal Facebook page.

While these will make marks on his digital identity, the trade-offs are acceptable for our family. He is learning composure and powerful public speaking skills well beyond his years, and he is meeting people with similar passions and gaining opportunities he might not otherwise have if we kept his digital identity closed. While I might not like that I don’t have control over the images and videos people take of him when he is performing in public, as I watched him interviewed on the news I saw that his ability to present himself safely online means letting him experience the digital world. It is, after all, the world in which he lives (not the imaginary one that is so much more comfortable for us as parents!).

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