Watching our children stumble through the forests of friendships, sometimes successfully maneuvering the path and other times finding dark, dangerous caverns, can be one of the most painful things we do as parents. Some parents try to overcome these painful bumps by carefully coordinating friendships from that first Mommy and Me class, before their babies can even hold their legs steady beneath them. Other parents, determined to raise independent children, encourage their children to fly solo and not rely on friends. Maybe you’re like me and in the middle – striving to raise independent children who have strong relationships and friendships with varieties of people. Not always an easy task!
Researcher Gwen Dewar, Ph.D., writes through an evolutionary perspective that for centuries and throughout generations, people have needed friends. She cites studies of anthropologists who “suspect that the need to make friends and allies was a driving force in human evolution.” When people learned to work together, they faced better odds against disease, poverty, famine, and dangers in the environment. Children who were successful socially and made friends were more likely to be helpful with neighbors and peers, giving them an actual leg up on survival. Today most of us just hope our kids survive the maze of childhood free from cyber bullying.
While our ancestors might have had to form friendships in order to survive, we might encourage our children to seek friendships as necessities to thrive. Childhood is a time to learn about relationships. It doesn’t mean that our kids have to have 17 best buddies, 25 good friends, and a whole circle of peers who adore them. Popularity shouldn’t be the end game plan. It is more important to raise children who are thoughtful, empathetic, and have people in their lives with whom they can have fun and share experiences. Tennessee Williams once wrote, “Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” Teaching our kids to choose friends wisely begins with teaching them to be good friends.
Teach empathy from babyhood. When you are out with your baby or toddler, or at home reading stories together, use words to identify emotions. If you see someone trip, say to your child, “I hope that person is OK and doesn’t feel embarrassed. We all trip sometimes.” If the person is near you, offer to help. Demonstrating positive, empathetic actions and using words that are respectful reminds children how to treat others – the foundation for friendship.
Be a good friend. As adults we have our own friends, whether they are our girlfriends we like to grab coffee with on the weekends or our spouse with whom we have a created a life together. Our children, even when we aren’t watching, are watching us. If we spend time visiting with a friend, then turn around and gossip on the phone to another friend, we are teaching our children to treat others the same and to expect the same from our friends. Talk about your friendships with your kids and why they are important to you. I have been blessed to call the same person my friend for more than 25 years, after we first met in junior high. I talk with my kids about how our friendship has changed, the struggles we went through, and why the friendship is so meaningful. They see my friend supporting and encouraging me, or just making me laugh until I cry. Treat your own friends well and your kids will learn through your actions.
Give your child time to find friends. If you sign your preschooler up for art class and are worried that she hasn’t made friends the first week, stop and take a deep breath. Kids all have their own timetables and comfort zones when it comes to making friends. If you still think that your child just isn’t outgoing enough, don’t make a big deal out of it. Instead, strike up your own conversation with one of the kids in class, asking him about his artwork. Your child might feel more comfortable once he sees you take the first step. Older kids also need time to develop friendships, so it is important to keep their schedules from becoming so overcrowded that they can’t even talk to themselves! Encourage them to participate in activities that really matter to them and they will be more likely to meet people with similar interests.
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