Being a parent means you will at some point (or at millions of them) have one of those days. The type of day where your child just does not seem capable of listening to anything you say. Believe it or not, you might actually be able to get your kids to listen by teaching them to talk back. Don’t be confused – there is a distinct difference between talking back and back-talking. I try to have as little of the back-talking as possible in my house of 4 kids, but do try to encourage as much talking back as possible. Talking back involves a process of teaching your child to verbalize what he heard, which can be sometimes vastly different from what was said. Talking back is one of the most effective ways I have found to ensure that my kids are listening, and it has taught them to be better listeners, something we can all probably use a bit more of in our homes.
If you have ever given your children directions, a task to complete, or a set of instructions for a household chore, only to return to find it untouched, you are not alone. I’d be a gazillion-are if I had a fraction of a penny for every time this happened in our home. Then I learned through the eyes, or ears, of my son who is being tested for auditory processing disorder, how important it is to ask for parents to ask for feedback.
Take for example a typical conversation within a family.
What the parent says: “It is time to get your backpack ready for tomorrow and then get ready for bed.”
What the child says: “OK.”
What happens: The backpack might make it to the front door, but it is not ready for the next day with the necessary supplies. Pajamas are on, but teeth haven’t been brushed and toys haven’t been put away.
What went wrong: When a parent gives directions like the ones in this example, he or she knows what is included in each of these steps. Get the backpack ready actually means putting that artwork into the folder and adding it to the backpack. It also means make sure you have a snack packed for the fieldtrip and there is a needed pack of travel tissues added to the front. Getting ready for bed includes donning pajamas, brushing teeth, putting the dinosaurs away where they belong, and feeding the pets.
How to use talking back to create better listeners
All too often when we give directions we do it when our kids are distracted and we assume they understand all of the unsaid information. This combination leads to unfinished tasks and frustrated families. If we take an extra minute to ask for our kids to talk back, we will save ourselves and our kids the time and frustrated pain of retracing steps.
How to ask for effective talking back: First of all, realistically understand from what maturity and development stage your child is coming and communicate with him based on that. For some kids this might mean changing the directions to include something such as: “It is time to get your backpack ready for tomorrow. Do you know what you need to include in your folder?” Asking for feedback helps your child to take responsibility, and it also gives them the opportunity to verbalize their understanding of the instructions. For some kids, it is important to leave this portion of the conversation as is, without giving the unrelated instruction for getting ready for bed. Wait until the first task is completed and then give the instructions for getting ready for bed with something like, “It is time to get ready for bed. What do you need to do in order to be ready for a bedtime story?” Again, this helps build responsibility and you will know whether or not your child fully understands everything that is expected.
Older kids don’t need as limited instructions or as much help, but asking for talking back is still helpful. For my 15-year-old I can give her the same directions as those listed in the example, then follow it with, “Do you need my help getting any of that done?” Asking for her to respond to my directions makes her responsible for ensuring the outcome, but lets her know that I am available if needed, such as for signing her field trip form before putting it in her backpack.
Other ways to get your kids to talk back
- Ask them to repeat the instructions or information you just gave. For younger kids and times when the information is detailed, repeating back will help both of you make sure you are on the same wavelength.
- Make sure they have eye contact with you when you speak with each other. They can dismiss your words more easily when they aren’t looking your way, and the same goes for you.
- Take time to listen. Don’t shout out directions to do chores as you fly out the door. It closes the conversation at letting them know what you have to say is more important than their questions or their responses.
- Don’t always just talk. We can get so caught up in doling out the information we think our kids need that we forget that they have ideas, concerns, and even basic ramblings. Ask them open-ended questions and get them to take the leadership role in the conversation.
By asking your kids for feedback and input, you are letting them know that their ideas and perceptions are important. It is also a lifelong skill that they will need in academics and their future careers and relationships. Our words make sense in our own minds, but by giving our kids the opportunity to talk back, we make sure that they understand our words as we intended them. Speaking and listening with intention is one of the most valuable gifts we can give our kids. Let them talk back!
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