Make Good Manners Start at Home
Where have all the manners gone? That was the sentiment I sadly heard recently as I listened to two elderly individuals speak about several children careening around the local fairgrounds, oblivious to others around them. It’s not the first time I’ve heard adults question the apparent lack of consideration by children, and the sentiment always seems to be the same: children don’t display the manners that many adults value. So, where have all the manners gone?
Merriam-Webster defines manners as the “customary mode of acting” and the “social conduct of rules of conduct as shown in the prevalent customs.” Manners have indeed shifted over the centuries, and history has shown that they often reflect the political, financial, and social structures of the society. So when it comes to our children, how do we know what manners are important in Western civilization, and how do we instill those into them?
Modern Manners Our Kids Should Possess
If you truly consider the needs and benefits of manners, you can see that they are often based on combinations of common sense, traditions, and the golden rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. It is important for our children to be aware of social graces and basic manners. Often these are taught by modeling these behaviors, but we also need to proactively discuss with our children our expectations and give gentle reminders.
What matters for manners?
- Greet others with a handshake, eye contact, and introduction or words of acknowledgement. Children should be taught to introduce themselves at very young ages, a skill that will be needed in their social lives, employment opportunities, and schooling.
- Open doors for others, including the elderly, people with arms full of items, or even those not paying attention to their surroundings. While the days of opening doors for women might seem long gone, this simple gesture is still appreciated by many and has changed somewhat to include opening doors for people out of respect and kindness.
- Offer a seat to an adult, especially one who appears to physically need it. This isn’t just for our young boys anymore. I remind my daughter and sons to offer their seats to adults or those who might need them as a sign of respect and common courtesy. I can’t count how many times I have heard surprise in the voices of people being offered a seat, but also gratefulness for the gesture.
- Use words and phrases such as excuse me, please, and thank you. These underrated spoken manners have seemed to fall by the wayside for many families, but are some of the easiest to teach children, beginning with our babies. One of my son’s first words was thank you – and he knew when to use it just by modeling the behavior of those in the house.
- Pitch in and help. Our kids really learn by watching us, and if they see us idly waiting by and hoping someone else might do the dirty work, they will learn the same apathy. Reaching out to others and offering a helping hand is not only good manners, but a characteristic of a cohesive society. When your kids spend the day at a friend’s house, remind them to help with the basics, even things like carrying groceries into the house, especially without being asked.
- Learn to apologize and teach your children the importance of it. When we do wrongs, whether by accident, mistake, or poor judgment, we need to acknowledge those. For children (and adults) this can be intimidating, embarrassing, and difficult, but it is a lifelong skill we all need to practice. Encourage children to apologize when appropriate and help them find ways to show they are sorry – making cards and offering kind gestures are just two examples of how kids can tangibly apologize (and it really does make everyone feel better).
- Share. Kids can learn a lot about the human race by sharing. Encourage your children to share – everything from toys, to time, to ideas. Sharing is indicative of emotional intelligence and the ability to empathize with others.
- Teach your kids phone etiquette. Model for them a polite, clearly spoken phone greeting when answering your home phone, including asking how to take a message. Don’t forget cell phone manners either, including turning off or silencing the phone so it doesn’t interrupt others, finding a private area for private conversations, and the value of texting manners.
Manners Make The World Go Round
Our children need to learn, appreciate, and practice manners in order to become contributing members of our society and cultures. Through their developments of manners they improve their emotional intelligence levels and set themselves up for future successes, in relationships as well as business. Author and business etiquette expert Lydia Ramsey writes about the importance of business manners, many of which mirror basic social graces, and how they truly improve your chances of professional success.
We are all busy with our families, careers, and hectic schedules. These should be no excuses, however, for missed manners and lost consideration. If we don’t take the time to model, practice, and expect good manners from our kids, we risk raising them to be individuals who lack connectivity to their society and the abilities to contribute effectively. It is not old school to have polite manners – it is good teaching.
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