Our family has just returned from a second funeral in one week, with another one tomorrow. These deaths around us were not related, but they did reiterate a common point to us and our children – life is precious and death is inevitable. As adults we can gather a different meaning from this through our years of life experiences. For children, however, grieving can be a difficult and winding journey for which they don’t always have the maturity or perspectives to be able to sort through these emotions.
My children just watched as two of their friends said a final goodbye to their father. My own children are experiencing their own loss of a friend, empathy for their friends who just lost a parent, as well as their own fears of something happening to their own parents. As my husband and I also mourn the loss of our friend, we are conscious of the turmoil of emotions our children are going through at this time. While we might want to shield them from the pain of loss, teaching them healthy ways of dealing with death will better allow them to understand their emotions and move forward.
The ages of children experiencing grief will greatly impact how they show and deal with their emotions. Children who are younger than 3 or 4 years of age can recognize the absence of the person in their lives, but aren’t really old enough to comprehend the permanency of the situation. From ages 4 through about 8 or 9 death is understood to be final, but children don’t necessarily have the knowledge to understand the dynamics or emotions of it. By 8 or 9 years of age most children are able to acknowledge the inevitable and painful truths about death and loss, but it doesn’t mean that they are equipped to independently deal with the emotions of their grief.
When a child is faced with a loss, the ranges of emotions and expressions of grief will be varied. It depends on the relationship with the deceased, the maturity of the child, and the reactions of those around them. Some of the ways your child might express grief are:
Regressive Behaviors
Children who experience loss sometimes regress to more immature behaviors such as needing more physical connections like hand holding, being rocked or held, or just being physically close to an important adult. Sometimes the immature behaviors are also verbal, where children find it more difficult to express themselves or communicate with others around them.
Emotionally Charged Behaviors
When children experience loss they sometimes act out their emotions of anger, fear, and frustration by yelling, throwing tantrums, or by disobeying. These can all be unconscious attempts to sort through the emotions with which they are dealing.
Emotionally Numb Behaviors
Sometimes the loss is almost too much to bear for children and they build an emotional wall to protect themselves from the pain. This shock is sometimes perceived as a lack of feelings about the loss, but it is actually the reaction to the overwhelming emotions that are a part of grief. Children sometimes detach from the situation on the exterior, but on the interior are struggling to cope.
Just as for adults, children will go through these various stages of grief, and there is no rhyme or reason to the order or extent with which they experience the emotions of their grief. It is not unlikely for children to need more time than adults to deal with loss as they process through their feelings.
Be honest. Children are extremely intelligent and intuitive people. Use age appropriate terms and details, but don’t tell them that someone “went to sleep” or other untruths that can actually be more frightening than the truth of death.
Rely on your faith. Take the faith you have and share it with your child. Pray together, talk about Heaven, and look to your personal faith beliefs to comfort you and your child.
Watch your own reactions. Children look to the reactions of those around them for comfort and cues about how to act. If you react to the grief by shoving aside the feelings and not dealing with them you will teach your child to do the same. Allow yourself to cry in front of your child and comfort your child when he shows emotions.
Be open. Don’t assume that if your child has questions about the death that he will come to you. Make it a point to ask how he is doing, if he has any questions, or if there is anything he wants to talk about the loss. This shared empathy can be cathartic for both of you.
Share memories. While it can be painful to talk about a loved one who has died, it is important for kids to also honor and remember the life that was lived and their relationships. Research has shown that providing a link or connection to the one who has died helps the survivors find comfort.
- Create a scrapbook with pictures of the loved one.
- Give your child a box for trinkets and special mementoes that are special to your child.
- Write down things you loved about the one who died and share it with your child. At my grandmother’s funeral all 36 of her grandchildren did this and we compiled them into a poem we could all share. It was a great way for all of us to share in the loss and share our memories.
- Give your child a journal to record her feelings. This can be a safe way to express emotions and can be kept private.
- Do an activity with your child that your loved one would have enjoyed or appreciated. If your loved one really liked going to baseball games, take your child to one in his honor.
Watch for warning signs. Sometimes when children lose someone who was significant in their lives, such as a parent or sibling, the grief can be too overwhelming. Don’t hesitate to seek professional help if you think your child is struggling to deal with the grief.
It can be heart-wrenching to watch your child grieve the loss of a loved one, especially when you are dealing with your own emotions about it. However, death is an inevitable part of life, and teaching our children to have empathy and deal with their emotions in healthy ways is extremely important. We can’t shield them from the pain, but we can help them to move through it.
Some books that can be helpful resources include:
Helping children cope with grief
Children and grief: When a parent dies
Helping Children Cope with Death ~ The Dougy Center for Grieving Children
Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/DQulH_7I0A4/