What Can I Do To Protect My Kids Online?

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When you’re a parent, you constantly worry about the safety of your kids. When your children grow up in a technology-dependent world, those worries carry over to online security. Protecting your family on the Internet is a growing concern as our technology grows. The first step to ensuring your teens are using the internet safely is to simply talk to them. Here are some easy ways to get started:

1. Establish Internet rules. Give your kids a certain allotment of time they can use the computer each day. It may be easier to only allow for computer usage between certain times of the day.  For example, you may limit them to 1 hour of computer time between 6 and 8 pm.
2. Explain that passwords are secrets. Make sure your family members know that passwords shouldn’t be shared with anyone, even friends.
3. Discuss which people are appropriate to talk to online. Encourage your kids to talk with people online that they already know. Also, make sure they understand that they shouldn’t say something online that they wouldn’t feel comfortable saying in person. It’s easy for kids to feel more emboldened behind a computer screen than they do face to face – learning this lesson early can prevent your kids from engaging in cyber-bullying or other inappropriate behavior.
4. Talk about what information is OK to say online. Ensure your kids know it’s dangerous to tell someone where they live or if they are at home alone.
5. Move the computer into a common area.  With your teens in close proximity, they become less likely to engage in online activity that they otherwise wouldn’t want you to see.
6. Teach them that what they say or do online can be permanent.  In addition to protecting their well-being it’s important to protect your kids’ reputations. The things they do and say online can have a lasting impact.  Sadly, this

Of teens ages 12-17, 93% go online. * This percentage will continue to increase, as will the number of online insecurities. Protecting your teens and small children online is easy when you have the right resources.

If you’re concerned about the safety of your kids online, there are some excellent software applications you can use to restrict or monitor their activity.  Here are some of the more popular online security tools:

Net Nanny®

• Block social networks, record whenever sensitive information is posted and IM conversations
• Receive an instant alert if someone visits a site you’ve banned.
• Video filtering (like YouTube) and filter online TV shows by rating.
• Available on iPhone/iPod Touch with Safe Eyes Mobile.

SPECTOR PRO

• Record and review computer activity.
• Video-style playback enabled with Screen Snapshot Surveillance allows you to see what your kids do on a website, in the order they do it.
• Records keystrokes, including passwords.
• Record program activity, includes music listened on iTunes and games played.
• Keyword alerts monitor unsuitable language.
• Remotely view what Net Nanny® has recorded from another computer.
• Average cost: $99.95²

Bsecure Online

• Social networking protection.
• Receive text and email alerts if an inappropriate keyword is used
• Mobile filtering apps for Apple products and Android devices.
• Filter TV shows, games and movies based on ratings.
• Average cost: $49.95³

Safe Eyes*

• Compatible with MAC, PC and iOS software.
• Filters websites, videos and music.
• Reports searches, instant messages and social network activity.
• Block websites by category
• Record when sensitive information is posted
• Available on mobile devices like the iPad, iPhone and iPod touch.
• Average cost: $99.95⁴

Whether it’s talking to your teens or downloading protection software, you have a way to protect your kids from the online world they aren’t meant to be a part of.

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3 Bumps in the Road Tweens Face – and How We Can Help Them

Charlene Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese, authors of The Roller-Coaster Years, pinpoint three of the issues of which I hear so many parents struggling with their tweens and young teenagers.

• Distraction
• Disorganization
• Disinterest

This three ring circus, as described by Giannetti and Sagarese, is a sensory overload for even the most grounded, secure, and mature tween. The sights, sounds, smells, and feelings are inundating our kids before they have quite developed the skills needed to navigate through all of the issues they face. Then on top of that they have to deal with surges in hormones, growth spurts (and patiently waiting for growth spurts), increased academic responsibilities, and emerging complications and changes in relationships. It is no wonder they might be feeling distracted, disorganized, and disinterested.

Distracted Tweens

You might notice your tween shifting from daydreaming to fidgeting and back again. Not only are tweens distracted by the new and sometimes confusing ideas and opportunities, but this generation of tweens has grown up distracted by technology. They are used to drowning out the white noise. Unfortunately, that sometimes means that we as parents are considered the white noise. There are several steps we can take to make sure our kids are exposed to distraction-free times, and to make sure that there isn’t more to the story.

Don’t dismiss the distraction as only an “age thing” that they will outgrow. Distractions in academics at this age can signal learning issues that were overlooked during the early years. Giannetti and Sagarese give great descriptions of roadblocks that might be impeding your teen’s academic progress.

• Language difficulties – This is the age when you might see subtle differences between understanding oral and written directions.
• Spatial orientation – Some tweens just don’t process well the things that are presented visually, and these struggles can lead to challenges with writing, reading, and spelling.
• Memory – Retrieval skills become more important in academics during the tween years, and kids who struggle with memory issues are more likely to find themselves failing a test, even though they studied for hours.
• Fine motor control – Handwriting and artwork, along with other fine motor skills, are required more and more of tweens.
•  Sequencing – Our tweens are moving into environments where more is expected of them in terms of attention to details and longer instructions. Tweens who struggle with sequencing and adequately estimating time concepts are prone to distracted behaviors.

Tweens who show any signs of the above 5 roadblocks don’t necessarily have a learning or behavior problem, but if we can pinpoint more precisely what their roadblocks are, we are more likely to be able to successfully help them build better skills in these areas.

Disorganized Tweens

Tweens and young teenagers have more on their plates than ever, and you might be noticing signs of disorganization.

• Consistently forgetting things
• Consistently losing things
• Underestimating the time needed to complete a task
• Seemingly unaware of time concepts in relations to deadlines and expectations

These signs might translate into lost homework assignments, messy rooms, and tardiness for lessons or classes. There are several things we can do to help our tweens become more organized.

• Give them a comfortable, quiet, and distraction free zone for homework and other tasks that require concentration.
• Help them learn to make lists. Teach your child to make a list the night before for things that need to be accomplished the next day.
• Teach them to use visual clues. We use a dry erase board in a prominent location where anyone in the family can leave reminders or notes.
• Slow them down with questions. What did you remember to pack in your backpack? What is your plan for after school today? (Avoid questions that can be answered with yes/no because they don’t have to stop and think about their answers.)
• Use timers. This is a huge help in my home where I have one child who seems to be rewriting the concept of time. Instead of a kitchen timer that loudly seems to click “I’m counting and you’re running out of time!”, I invested in one of these funky timers that are visually interesting, but not intimidating.
• Teach your child to prioritize. Academics are obvious areas that benefit from prioritizing, but don’t forget about how this skill relates to chores at home and even time spent on leisure activities.
• Build in buffer zones. If you know that by Thursday there will be a missing homework assignment and daily chores haven’t been done since Monday, set aside specific time each week at regular intervals, before the disorganization hits overload. Check in with your kids, have a family meeting, and even just have your child clean out her backpack.

Disinterested Tweens

The tween years can be the time in a child’s life when you see him appear to lose interest in things that he once loved. This can very well be true – his tastes, abilities, and interests are going to change. But how do you know if the disinterest is age related and not enthusiasm for life related?

• Trust your instincts. If you think that your tween is too withdrawn from family or friends, perhaps spending way too much time online, don’t turn a deaf ear to what your instincts are telling you.
• Give your tweens opportunities to spark new interests. Tweens and young teenagers might be reluctant to try new things because they are going through periods of insecurity, but offering and encouraging new opportunities is important to keep your child enthused about life.
• Find new role models. The tween years are also a time when you might notice your tween pulling back from you as she seeks her independence. That is OK – and normal. Just help her find great role models she can turn to when she feels the need for space from you.
• Have your tween teach something new to you. Interest sometimes fades when we don’t think we have anything else to offer. Remind your tween of how much he has to give to his community, friends, and family by encouraging him to take on the role of teacher.

The tweenage years are full of excitement and anticipation, but they can also be full of anxiety, insecurity, and overwhelming changes. These things are true for both our children and for us as parents. Giannetti and Sagarese describe this as a roller-coaster – and I couldn’t agree more. Put your hands in the air, scream into the wind when you feel the need, and enjoy the ride (even if you get a little motion sickness like I do).

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Holiday Survival Guide for WAHMs

Tags: busy moms, busy parents, Christmas, holidays, time management, WAHM, work-at-home mom, working mom

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Tips to Keep the Joy in Christmas while Working at Home

My desk is an eclectic mix of notes for clients, my daughter’s Chemistry books, and the 2013 calendar waiting to be updated. Stranded between two job assignments are my Christmas to-do lists, waiting patiently for a few spare moments. Spare moments? Are those still available during the Christmas season for work-at-home moms? Yes – we just need to know where to search for them – and how to claim them.

Give a gift to yourself – time off

If you are fortunate enough to have projects for work that fill your time schedule, that also means that you have the added need of scheduling yourself a vacation. Let clients know in advance that you are unavailable (if only from the virtual workroom) for a specified amount of time around Christmas. As a cloud commuter I have clients from around the world from various cultures – but one thing seems to remain constant – clients are people, too, and they understand the need for holidays and vacations with families. Just be honest and reasonable (don’t leave them hanging with a project they thought would be finished before the New Year).

Divide and conquer

This mantra might not seem like the Christmas spirit, but sharing the load with others in your home can help to make the holidays more enjoyable for everyone. If your kids are old enough to handle chores, give them chores. But also enlist the help of everyone for the fun stuff, too. Holiday baking, decorating, and gift wrapping can all be shared tasks, and when you break tasks down into manageable pieces you’ll be surprised at how quickly the whole project is finished.

• Use these printable badges and lists for your little on to become an Elf in Training – helping you get projects finished and feeling a part of the magic. Have your little ones cut out and wear the badges, and give them their own Elf in Training to-do list.
• Set reasonable expectations. I used to do two entire days of baking for Christmas in one swoop. Now I have to be content with sneaking in a batch of this here, a pan of that there. Today was a pan of fudge made between helping the kids with schoolwork and doing the dishes. Then I cut and placed the fudge in decorative plastic baggies and put them in the freezer. I can add to my stash of goodies until I have enough varieties to start assembling for gift packages.
• Have a Let’s Wrap it Up! party with girlfriends. Invite everyone to bring small containers of one kind of Christmas treat for a cookie swap, and laundry baskets or totes filled with the secret stashes of packages that need to be wrapped. You’ll have help creating a tray of cookies for Christmas Eve, get your presents wrapped, and still feel like you got to celebrate with your friends.

Fill Your Office with Joy

Whatever space you claim as your home office, add some Christmas spirit to your space. Set up a miniature nativity scene, keep a Christmas mug with mini candy canes (love to stir my coffee with these!), or just wear some festive and funky Christmas socks (the joy of cloud commuting).

For Convenience’s Sake…

Let go of your preconceived notions of how Christmas is supposed to look in your home, and be prepared to allow for some simple substitutions and conveniences.

• Keep a selection of deli meats and salad toppings on hand for make your own sub night – no cooking required.
• Turn on the Christmas movies with the kids, and curl up with the laptop next to them or work on your Christmas lists while listening to the Grinch. Multi-tasking is the saving grace of a WAHM.
• Set up a card table for a Christmas work-station. When you have just a few moments to spare, you won’t feel like by the time you get everything out on the dining room table the moment is already gone.

She’s making a list and checking it twice…

Nothing makes me as giddy as a notepad, dribbled with my schedule, plans, and things to be completed. Christmas planning is almost impossible without making a list and checking it twice (or twice multiplied by fifty). If you’re a WAHM like me, some well-organized lists can make all the difference during the holidays.

• Work projects for December – arrange these week-by-week so there are no surprises the Friday before Christmas. Make sure to account for the week after Christmas, especially if the kids will be home from school and you still have to log in some hours.
• Shopping and running errands – I keep 4 separate shopping lists going during the Christmas season: gifts for family, special items and extras for friends, groceries for baking, and errands I need to complete (like getting to the post office).
• Christmas fun and games – don’t look back at December with regrets because you chose to stay home and finish one more project when you really wanted to be ice skating with the kids or attending a Christmas play. Today I am taking the afternoon off of work to attend a Christmas music concert with my kids – not because I will be finished with work – but because in a few weeks the kids will be back to their regularly scheduled chaos and I want to make sure that the craziness is tempered with treasured memories of the season. Make a list of some of the things you want to do with your family this Christmas season, and take time to do at least some of them.

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Somewhere along the line I found myself moving in parenting from searching for discipline methods that really work to trying to teach self-discipline. As the kids get older and I as their mom get a tad bit wiser, those naughty little moments and tantrums with full-frontal flailing on the floor moments have subsided. They are being replaced by lessons in self-discipline. I’m certain that part of it is age (for them as well as for me), but I think a larger part of it has to do with the outlook we have. I was reminded recently of the difference that parental mindset has on things such as discipline when I read Gentle Ways to Encourage Good Behavior Without Whining, Tantrums Tears – the no-cry discipline solution, by Elizabeth Pantley.

If your kids cry when you lay down the law, when they can’t have their way, or just because the wind blows the wrong direction, Pantley claims to have some discipline solutions that will help dry the tears and end those behaviors. According to Pantley, discipline for children requires three “Big Cs” of parental discipline:

3 Cs of Parental Discipline

Cooperation – Parents need to have a “bag of tricks” that will help enlist the cooperation of their kids. Cooperation games might include friendly challenges to see who can unload the groceries the fastest, telling a story where cooperation was needed for a happy outcome, or using the 5-3-1 Go! technique.

• 5-3-1 Go!

This technique is a fair warning system where parents give a countdown (i.e. – You have 5 last minutes before we leave the park. Now you have 3 final minutes to choose your last activity here. OK – 1 minute left, so please choose to go down the slide or cross the monkey bars one final time.). This technique teaches kids that you are aware of their want to stay, so you are giving them fair notice of their remaining time – no surprise announcements.

Communication – Pantley describes several principles of effective family communication that I have found to be solid foundations in our home.

• Make it brief, make it clear – The more I talk the less the kids seem to hear, so I need to pare down my sentences and make sure I get the point across in the first minute.
• Think it, say it, mean it, do it – One of the biggest stumbling blocks I have had is not requiring the follow-through on the things I have communicated are important to me. Then I get frustrated when the chores aren’t done or the behaviors didn’t change. When I think it, say it, mean it, and do it, I make sure there is follow-through before the frustration sets into my home. When we don’t have follow-through our kids learn that their responses to us are optional.

Consistency –From the first day we bring them home, children rely on predictability. Eating, sleeping, and bathing are the first routines we give our children, and this grows from there into predictable patterns of our behaviors and reactions. Our kids need to know what to expect from us – it is how they learn to trust us and form secure relationships.

• Think ahead about the things in your home that you just don’t want to waiver on when it comes to expectations, and be firm with those. Then consider which things can allow for flexibility. And somewhere in between, be ready to pick your battles.

No-cry Approach Doesn’t Mean No-Emotion Approach

When I read Pantley’s books (her work often has “no-cry” in the titles), I honestly take a little bit of offense to that. Maybe it’s because I’m a crier – or as I call it – an emotionally responsive person. Yep. I weep at commercials and cry when I sing a song that holds a memory. Maybe it is because it is not my goal as a parent to raise a child who doesn’t cry. It is my goal to raise a child who is happy, generous, emotionally intelligent, faithful, and self-disciplined.

However, if you ignore the phrasing in the titles, or if you dig a little deeper into her books, you realize that Pantley is promoting an approach to discipline that means teaching emotional intelligence so that things like tears and tantrums don’t become blockades to communication, cooperation, and consistency. There is about as much possibility of communicating clearly with a preschooler who is screaming, crying, and kicking the floor as their is believing that parenting is easy. If we use these three Cs in our parenting approaches we can move a little further from the Drama Queen tears and closer to self-discipline.

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Printable Christmas Activities

Tags: Christmas, gifts, giving, holidays, printable, printable activities

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We love reading the tale of the Grinch each year, and how his heart magically transforms from greedy to full of gratitude. But real life isn’t as easy as standing at the tip of Mount Crumpit and hearing the Whos voices to bring about a change of heart. Every day when we get the mail there are advertisements pulling kids’ eyes to the pictures of toys they never knew they couldn’t live without. The Oohs and Aahs start to resound a little louder during the Christmas season, and I fear that our own little Grinch’s will appear if we’re not careful about falling into the traps of “the gimmies”. So in every effort to keep the real spirit of Christmas in our home, we use the following ways to focus on the things we give of ourselves.

Printable Christmas Crafts and Activities

To Help Keep the Spirit of Christmas Alive

Tree of Gifts – Print this learning activity and bring the spirit of Christmas to your home. The idea behind this growing craft is simple – by the time Christmas morning rolls around, the Tree of Gifts should be filled, both on the branches and beneath the boughs, with the gifts we give that can’t really be wrapped and topped with a bow, and those we receive from family, friends, and faith.

Elf in Training – I love the magical idea of elves – helpful, swift, and plentiful beings who could assist with tasks of all kinds and able to bring so much joy to so many children. Help get your kids excited about helping others by enlisting them as Elves in Training.

Print these “official” badges (use a sticker maker or just print and use a piece of tape) and give one to each child.

Print a list for your Elf in Training and fill it in with practical and helpful tasks to get your little elf in the spirit of doing this Christmas season. You could include things like:

• Read the Christmas story to a younger sibling.
• Help mom bake cookies.
• Make a Christmas card for Grandma.
• Help my neighbor shovel snow.

You can even use this idea of Elf in Training for the week, encouraging your kids to help a little bit more, and then celebrate with a family night of Reindeer Games.

Reindeer Fun Games

• Paint a small paper plate brown and let dry. Make antler handprints with your kids by lightly covering the palms and fingers with brown paint, then pressing these onto sheets of white paper. When the prints dry, cut them out and glue them to the plate (the reindeer’s head) as antlers. Top it off with googly eyes and a red pom-pom nose.
• Watch the movie Elf as a family.
• Print this page and have your kids get creative describing how they would spend their day as an elf (younger kids can just draw themselves as an elf). Don’t be afraid to get into the action with your own dreams.
• Take a candy cane (wrapped) and hide in somewhere in a designated room of the house (i.e. living room). Then have the kids start seeking for the candy treat, and signal them that they are getting close by ringing sleigh bells – the close the kids get to the prize, the louder you can ring the bell.
• Read the Elves and the Shoemaker (before you watch the movie version with the kids).

As excited as the kids get this time of year, just try to remember that they really will remember the time and the things that we do with and for them more than the things we wrap as gifts and put under the tree.

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Stressed Out Kids

Tags: anxiety, coping with stress, dealing with anxiety, dealing with stress, emotiona IQ, kids and stress, stress

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Helping Kids Deal with Stress and Anxiety in a Busy World

Our kids are bombarded every day with technology, activities, and a fast-paced life that makes my own head swim. Many daily stresses are to be expected, but sometimes the culminating effect of them on kids can take a toll and make them move from facing stress to dealing with distress.

Taking a timed math quiz, anticipating the results of a test, changes in friendships, and handling the strained family dynamics that can occur after the death of a loved one are just a few of the examples of things that can cause stress for kids (and the entire family). These are also examples of things that have caused stress in my own home this last year – ranging from the small to the more significant. Just as each situation is unique, so is the way that each child handles stress and anxiety.

When should we worry about stress?

According to Karen DeBoard, Ph.D., a Child Development Specialist reporting with the North Caroline Cooperative Extension Service, stress is a typical, normal response we have in reaction to disruptions that are not considered typical. DeBoard’s definition is a great one for parents to remember, because she highlights that the need to be concerned is when normal stress becomes too much stress, resulting in distress. It is this distress that can cause multiple signs and symptoms in our kids, many of which are dependent on the age, maturity, and experiences of our children.

• Increases in heart rate and breathing
• Muscle tension
• Headaches and stomach aches
• Eating problems, such as extreme lack of appetite or overeating
• Compulsive behaviors
• Regression behaviors (i.e. thumb sucking or bathroom accidents after they have already moved beyond those developmentally)
• Behavioral issues such as outbursts or withdrawal

Stress vs. Distress

It is normal for our kids to experience one or even a few of these symptoms occasionally due to stress. However, repeated or prolonged displays of these types of behaviors can signal a deeper problem. This is when stress, according to DeBoard, becomes distress. It is this distress that manifests itself in these physical, emotional, and psychological ways that can negatively affect our kids.

Helping Our Kids Deal with Stress and Avoiding Distress

We can help our kids manage their stress and avoid that stress building into harmful distress by giving them tools for coping. Think of these tools as the buffer zones – the stress might still be smacking into our kids (we can’t put them into a bubble of protection) – but the coping tools can minimize the impacts.

Building healthy communication habits – When we work with our kids on communication skills, we can help improve their emotional intelligence and strengthen the likelihood that our kids feel confident in expressing their concerns. Even though I don’t necessarily like it when one of my kids is facing a stressful situation, there is some sense of relief and comfort when they can come to me or my husband and talk about what is occurring – the first step in solving most problems.

Acquiring a sense of personal accountability – Even though accountability can be stressful (Hey – what do we have to worry about if it is someone else’s problem?), it is also needed if our kids are going to learn how to manage their own anxieties and issues.

Learning coping strategies – Here is where I have learned so much about each of my kids. Not all coping strategies are going to work for all my kids, and their needs change as they grow and mature.

• The Wholistic Stress Control Institute has a great program they outline here for helping kids develop coping strategies at young ages. Even if you don’t partake in their program, some of their ideas for stress coping skills are available online.

According to Novella Ruffin, Ph.D., helping kids deal with stress should include:

• Acknowledging their feelings of stress and give them vocabulary that matches how they are feeling (i.e. butterflies in the stomach versus a stomach ache).
• Promoting a positive environment where kids feel good about themselves.
• Setting a good example. How do we deal with stress? If we yell, slam doors, turn to substances like alcohol or tobacco, our kids will learn that those reckless decisions are coping mechanisms – probably not the real lesson we are hoping to convey.
• Helping kids learn through stories. I love this piece of advice! Kids are so effectively reached through storytelling where they feel safe and can relate to characters. The pressure is off of them and they can see the situation through the eyes of someone else safely.
• Being aware of our children’s temperaments. It isn’t our job to try to change their temperaments, but to help them learn how to make the most of who they are and manage their own tendencies.
• Teaching them calming skills – counting, deep breathing, visualizing, journaling, etc.
• Giving them plenty of time and opportunities to just be kids. Sometimes our kid are so stressed out because they are taking on responsibilities and dealing with situations that make even adults uneasy.

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