What is Your New Year’s Resolution, Mom?

Posted on December 31, 2012 by shihan02

Out of the Mouths of Babes

What is your New Year’s Resolution, Mom? This is the question my 9-year-old posed to me yesterday – which made me pause to even wonder why a 9-year-old would contemplate this goal-setting tradition. So I did what any parent who isn’t prepared with an answer might do – I turned the question to him: What is your resolution for the New Year?

To have less greed in my heart.

Well – that makes my original answer that was floating around in my head of keeping caught up on laundry seem pretty low on the priority pole. Anything short of saving the world was going to seem pretty petty in comparison to my 9-year-old’s resolution. So now I tried what any homeschooling parent might do – turn this into a lesson for both of us about goal setting and goal keeping. It is probably the biggest failure for resolutions (any time of the year) that we don’t have a plan for keeping the goal. So when I looked into the cherub face of my son, I wanted to find a way to help him keep his goal, as well as to help me set some goals – and keep them – even if they are just about the laundry.

Printable Tools for Helping Kids (and Moms) Set and Reach Goals

Making S.M.A.R.T. Goals

For a small community college, the Maine Community College System has some big ideas about goal setting. They use an acronym for goal setting – SMART – that is easy for adults and kids to remember.

Specific – Our goals should be about something specific – an action or an event.

Measurable – There should be a way to measure the success of the goal.

Achievable – We should be able to achieve the goals if we have enough resources.

Realistic – Our goal should have a realistic likelihood of success.

Timely – There should be a specific timeframe for reaching the goal.

Using this SMART model, I developed this worksheet for my son and me to work through together for our goals. It is one thing to want to have less greed in our hearts, or just to keep the mountain of dirty laundry to a maximum height above sea level, but it is another all-together to actually plan ways to succeed. He can’t just summon the powers that changed the Grinch’s heart, and I won’t be sending children out in 10 degree weather in just shorts and tee-shirt because it involves smaller loads of laundry.

More Steps for Reaching Goals

Teaching kids to set and reach goals can be both one of the most challenging things for parents, and one of the most rewarding. It is why we sometimes turn to behavior and goal charts, why we are constantly striving to teach them to plan ahead, think about their futures, and make positive choices.

When it comes to the youngest ones in our family, goal setting and reaching can be a difficult concept to convey. They live on dreams of becoming an astronaut who will travel to all of the planets (in a week) – so making and keeping a goal of learning how to play the guitar can seem almost mundane to them. However, for our kids, these goals are just as reasonable as any other they could set. We don’t have to rain on their parades with constant doses of reality checks, but we can help them learn to break down their goals into reasonable steps. We want them to reach for the stars, but we need to make sure they are equipped for the ride.

Help your kids shoot for the stars with this printable worksheet. They can use small star stickers to mark each step their rocket achieves until they reach their ultimate goal.
Print this simple ladder worksheet and have your kids label each step they need to reach their goal.
Acknowledge the steps your kids are taking to reach goals. I can see you are working hard to reach your goal of finishing that book because I see you reading 10 pages each day.
Remind your kids that it is OK to readjust goals when you realize you might have missed some important steps along the way.
Use this printable visual reminder for your kids about what their goal is, and the steps they need to take along their way.

To have less greed in my heart. Somewhere along the way one of my parenting goals has been coming true – raising children with purposeful hearts. Somehow, though, that mountain of laundry is the bane in my housewife existence! I’ll be reviewing those SMART guidelines for goals to see if I can achieve my resolution of controlling the laundry. Whatever your life, parenting, and personal goals are, I wish you and your family the energy to see those come true in 2013 – Happy New Year!

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Scream Free Parenting

Posted on December 28, 2012 by shihan02

Parenting – it’s not about the kids. This is the ironic message that is delivered in Scream Free Parenting, by Hal Edward Runkel. According to Runkel we are too focused on our kids, too ready to help them, control them, mold them, and be with them. We scream because we are anxious that our kids do better, have better, be better than we were and perhaps are. It is time to quiet the screaming.

Screaming might refer in this book to literal screaming, where parents meet the challenges of parenting with throat scratching and ear-splitting screams. For other parents screaming might mean disconnecting from our kids or overcompensating for their misbehaviors. Creating a scream free environment then means parenting through calm, nonreactive authority. The temper tantrums of your two-year-old and the talking back from your tween won’t be calming, so this is where Runkel’s message rings true – parenting is about the parents.

How to Parent with Calm Integrity

Runkel continues to remind the reader that effective parenting occurs when we are calm – when we give ourselves room to cool off before we react, and when we make conscious choices about how we are going to react to our children. Some of the advice Runkel promotes includes:

Don’t react with emotion to your child’s misbehavior. “Your emotional responses are up to you. You always have a choice.” Runkel says we give our children too much emotion-draining power when we claim they can push us over the edge or push all of the right buttons to drive us crazy. We need to own up to our reactions to them – and try to take it down a notch or two.
Don’t micromanage our children’s lives. If we helicopter parent our children, we can’t expect them to grow strong wings of their own.
Let natural consequences rule the world. Runkel reminds us to consistently seek to balance protecting our kids from true dangers and allowing them to experience life’s lessons (even the ugly ones).

The sooner we can expose our children to the universal law of sowing and reaping (at whatever age they happen to be right now), the less they will need to have the larger consequences teach them as they get older.

Perhaps my favorite lesson from Runkel – the kind that I have on my refrigerator as a reminder – is about remaining consistent in our parenting.

Don’t ever set a consequence that is tougher for you to enforce than it is for them to endure. Choose only those consequences that you are willing to enforce.

The Crazy Points I Just Can’t Embrace

Yes – there are many lessons for parents in Runkel’s book that are really worth embracing and attempting to implement. However, there were several points in Runkel’s book where I just wanted to bang my head on the floor and scream – the kind of points that I just can’t ever fathom even attempting to use in my home. One specific point has to do with respecting the space of our children.

According to Runkel, my kids’ rooms are their spaces and I should respect my children by allowing them to use their rooms as they see fit. If they don’t want to clean it – fine. Runkel even goes on to say that:

If it is “their” room, then let them keep it the way they want to. Whenever you feel anxious about their mess, go clean your own room.

How much did children pay Runkel to write this chapter? Sure – the advice sounds like something that might be dished out in a psychologist’s office and somewhere there might be a grain of truth in the giant sand castle of parenting. Runkel claims that it is our parenting anxiety that makes us want our children’s rooms to be clean. Yep – I’m anxious. About the fire safety hazard of allowing a teenager take over a 14X14 space, and the policies of the CDC against allowing unknown substances to regenerate themselves in the corners of children’s bedrooms. I’m anxious, too, about the carpet I paid to have installed, the window treatments I invested in to help reduce the heating or cooling costs I have to pay for each month. But according to Runkel I need to stop being anxious about bedrooms because we want our children to feel that they are responsible for their own spaces.

The idea proposed by Runkel might sound – liberating – for children. But there are other ways to allow children to learn how to embrace their spaces.

Let them choose the color schemes, posters for the walls, etc.
Mandate a monthly room cleaning for all in the house, including Mom and Dad
Give them tools for keeping their rooms clean – bins for sorting, baskets for hiding, and under the bed Ikea treasures to store their treasures

They are responsible for their own bodies, too, but if we don’t insist their teeth get brushed, their underwear be changed, and their faces occasionally washed of the mystery goo, we would probably be held on charges of child endangerment. You can’t teach a child to respect himself, his belongings, and those people and things around him by only setting a good example and giving him ownership of the rest. If children didn’t need us to help guide them and lead them, we would be like sand tiger sharks that are born as independent swimmers ready to take on the world. Sand tiger sharks also eat their siblings before they are born – only the strongest survives. I’m trying to stay away from adelphophagy [eating one’s brother] and work toward the kind of harmony Runkel promotes. But the bedrooms need to be clean enough to pass health inspections.

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New Year’s Eve – Family Style

Posted on December 28, 2012 by shihan02

New Year’s Eve – Family Style

Tags: holiday, new year, new year’s eve, party, printable activity, traditions

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Champaign, horns, music, dancing – does this sound like the New Year celebrations of the years before kids? While you might not be able to throw the big bash anymore between diapers and the sheer exhaustion of parenting young children, you can still celebrate the New Year family style. I think there have only been one or two New Year celebrations my husband and I experienced without the kids with us in 16 years of parenting, and I know that the nights we have spent ringing in the new have created wonderful memories. If you’re looking to celebrate New Year’s Eve with the kids in tow, here are a few easy and fun ideas (even if you only make it up until 10:00 p.m.).

Easy and Fun Recipe Ideas

Bring a little of the Big Apple theme and the ball dropping into your menu planning.

Sliced apples with caramel dip or other fruit dip – Go with the Big Apple theme and serve some fruit – it’s easy and healthy, especially if you use a yogurt based dip.
New York style cheesecake – You can get an easy mix and make mini ones in muffin tins, or do as I’m going to do this year and make one from scratch using this favorite recipe of mine.

Take your spring-form pan (it won’t bite!) and spray with non-stick coating.
Smash graham crackers – enough to coat the bottom of your pan. I think I use just slightly less than one plastic pack from a box. Combine these crumbs with about 1 Tbsp. of butter and press into the bottom of the pan.
Take 4 8-ounce boxes of softened cream cheese (I use the kind with 1/3 the fat) and combine with 1 cup of sugar and 1/4-1/2 tsp. of almond extract using the electric beaters/mixer. Gradually add in 2 whole eggs, one at a time and beat on low.
Add 3 egg whites, one at a time, as you continue to beat on low.
Pour the mixture over the crumbs and bake at 325 degrees for light/silver pan, 300 degrees for dark pan. It usually takes about an hour to be soft set – slightly wiggly in the middle. Take it out and cool, then refrigerate for at least 4 hours before serving.
Variations
After pouring it in the pan, add several large dollops of raspberry jam/jelly and cut through the mixture with a knife to swirl. Then bake as usual.
OR Make as the original recipe and as soon as you take it out to set drop chocolate pieces on top, swirl caramel topping on it, or chocolate syrup. Then chill as usual.
OR substitute lemon zest for almond extract and serve with lemon zest on top.

New York pizza theme – Let the kids make their own on flour or corn tortillas using pizza sauce and any of their favorite toppings.
Soft pretzels – We like to buy the big boxes of these and toast them in our oven. Some of the kids opt for cinnamon, and others want to dip them in cheese. You can also try using flavored popcorn salts instead of the large rock salt that comes with the pretzels.
Fortune Cookies – Nothing says New York like a little Asian cuisine, and fortune cookies are a great way to ring in the new year. The kids love to see what special note they have in their cookie, and they don’t mind eating the sugary crunch, either.

If New York isn’t your style, just get the kids in the kitchen and let them whip up some recipes that are sure to please!

New Year’s Games

The kids like to play games that keep them moving – the more they move the less likely they are to accidentally fall asleep while waiting for the ball to drop.

Twister
Wii games (last year we jammed with friends to LEGO Rock Band – always a fun memory maker and confidence crasher)
Dance pad
Treasure hunt throughout the house
Hide-n-seek with the lights out and the kids wearing glow sticks around their wrists and ankles

Easy Activities for the Kids

Part of the magic for the kids is waiting – the anticipation they feel as they wait for the clock to turn and a new year to begin. Let the kids dress up in their party clothes – and you can probably get out of your comfy PJs long enough to wiggle into a New Year’s dress. Help keep them busy and anticipating the fun with these easy activities.

Homemade Noisemakers – Take empty toilet paper or paper towel tubes and cover one end with paper and duct tape, then have the kids add dry beans, rice, popcorn seeds, or even pop can tabs. Then cover the open end with paper and tape and let the shaking begin!
Firecracker Craft – Use this easy (and safe) firecracker craft with your kids. They can decorate the outside and leave little trinkets for the family on the inside.
Print these New Year Word Search puzzles for a bit of quieter family fun – just when you are getting ready to doze at 9:30 p.m.

Don’t forget to spend a few minutes reflecting on 2012 and planning with your family for 2013. Now is a good time to talk with your kids about your favorite, most memorable, and most forgettable moments, as well as how you can work together to form a brighter future. Use this printable book to create a family memento, or work together and create a time capsule to open next year.

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7 Reasons Why You Should Not Be a Work-at-Home-Mom

Posted on December 26, 2012 by shihan02

After more years than I can count, I think I finally consider myself to be a bonified work-at-home mom. And I love it. But that doesn’t mean that this gig is for everyone, or that there aren’t days when I consider what a “normal” life might look like if I wore a business suit to work and carried a briefcase. [Nope – the slippers work much better for me than heels.] Working at home is not for everyone – if it is for you – it can be one of the most wonderful opportunities. However, there are reasons like these 7, that might mean the boardroom is a much better fit for you than the home office.

1. You don’t think you’ll do the paperwork.

You don’t have to like the paperwork that goes along with it, but things such as keeping paper trails and receipts for taxes are going to be on your shoulders. Even if you come to a wonderful point in your stay-at-home career where you can hire someone else to prepare your taxes, you are still going to be responsible for making sure that you provide your tax preparer with the specific details he will need to know – which is more than just a running total of income. You’ll need to know and provide paperwork for:

Business related expenses. Make sure you understand the fine print when it comes to whether or not your new desk chair qualifies.
Receipts for things like paper, office supplies, and other things directly related to your work-at-home business.
Invoice statements for all income. If you are selling items, make sure you provide proof of taxes you charged or didn’t charge. If you have clients for whom you work, you will need invoice statements for both the clients who filed W-9 forms and those who didn’t (you are still responsible for your income either way).
Your work portfolio. Paperwork for the WAHM is about more than tax preparation. It is about building your business from the inside out. If you keep a growing portfolio it helps your future business prospects.

2. You can’t make yourself shine.

There is a difference between bragging and letting your qualifications and expertise shine. In order to become a successful work-at-home mom (or dad) you are going to have to find a way to highlight the assets and talents you will provide – you have to be willing to be your biggest fan, which can be a hard pill to swallow. When I first started writing and editing as a freelancer, I found it very uncomfortable to tell a potential client how my skillset could be valuable to him or her. Now, however, I realize that especially in the cloud commuting world, I have to be willing to prove myself each and every time – I am competing against thousands and thousands of other people – and we are all virtual strangers.

Make a list of your accomplishments – your education, years of experience, awards or recognition received, etc. – from which you can grab supporting evidence of your qualifications.
Use the words of others. If you have reviews written on your work, even if they are just comments or compliments in an email, use those words of others to demonstrate your capabilities to others.

3. You don’t have emotional support from your family.

It can be emotionally draining to wear so many hats at home – wife, mom, writer, editor, teacher, chef, laundress, gardener, etc. – that without the support of my family on those bad days, I don’t think I would enjoy the different roles quite so much. There will be days when you need to vent or rant or have a mini-breakdown. If your family uses these moments to say, “See – I told you this work-at-home think wouldn’t work!” then your struggles are only compounded.

Tell your husband what you need to hear when you have a bad day – even if it is just to agree with you and say, “That sucks – I hope tomorrow is a better day.”
Give yourself a 15 minute fake drive-home. If you were working outside of the home you would have a commute where you could gather your thoughts before unleashing any frustrations. Give yourself a fake commute – do a load of laundry, walk around the block, just do anything that helps you gain perspective before you launch into your bad day. It will help to reduce the spillover into your family life.

4. You don’t have customers or clients who know the truth.

The truth is that you are a work-at-home parent and that sick days are not optional (one of your other hats is a nurse hat), and there is not a full-time IT person to deal with your technical difficulties.

Be upfront and honest with clients about your schedule, even if that means telling them that you really work best after 9:00 p.m. when the kids are in bed, and that 4:00 is the worst time for a conference call because you want to hear what is going on and that is impossible amid the chaos of after-school noise.
Find others who can help fill in those gaps. I have had to become adept at technology trouble-shooting in order to survive as a cloud commuter, but I also have a back-up plan and people who I can call when technology fails me.

5. You don’t like spending time at home.

Working at home is not for everyone. You have to be content to spend a lot of time at home – often with the kids and in dual roles of parent and employee. You will have less face-to-face contact with co-workers, you won’t have physical around the water-cooler conversations, and your meetings often won’t be over lunch with friends.

Make sure your workspace is comfortable and reflects your work, not just your home. I have my own music, a chair that doesn’t have finger-paint covering it, and my books on the shelf behind me. There is also a dry erase board on the door where I can scrawl notes that help bridge the memory gap as I transition from role of mom and teacher to role of writer and editor.
Find ways to get out and work in other spaces. Nothing beats a cold winter day at the library with the kids. I can take my notebooks and my laptop and we all spend time reading and exploring – and I get some work done in a new environment.

6. You can’t balance family time and work deadlines.

This is one of the most difficult things to do as a WAHM, but it is also one of the most necessary. It is also an opportunity for your children to learn from your work ethic and responsibility. I was reminded of just how much my children see and to what they pay attention when my son wrote a letter about me. In it he said:

“My mom is also a very determined person. When she decides to do something, she sets her mind to it and does it. This shows up in her work, where her deadlines are always met.”

Hmmm. Maybe I can add that letter to my portfolio… I know I already have it added to my mental support – that thing that I can call upon when I am struggling through a day and wondering if my kids will be all right if I keep working and let them do the lunch dishes.

7. You don’t feel good about what you are doing.

At the end of the day, whether you are working at home, in a cubicle, on the road, or in a top-floor office, your work should bring your joy and satisfaction. This year, as I reflect on my busiest work-at-home year ever, I have the realization that even if I didn’t need to work for a paycheck to contribute to my family’s needs, I still want to do the work I do.

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Coping with Tragedy

Posted on December 15, 2012 by shihan02

Coping with Tragedy

Tags: coping with loss, coping with tragedy, death, helping children cope, loss, tragedy

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Resources for Children and Parents in the Wake of the Connecticut School Shooting

Like so many parents across the country, and the world, I wept today for the children and teachers lost in the unfathomable shooting tragedy in that Connecticut elementary school. My heart aches for the parents, the siblings, family members, and the entire community of those directly affected. At Better Parenting the topics usually include anything from potty training to teenage dating, but today there was a sorrow and a reminder that these topics seem insignificant at times like this.

As I sat and cried, prayed, and talked with my own children, we had conversations that shouldn’t have to be held in a cozy country home just before Christmas. But we did – and I reached out for my own resources to help my children and my family learn to deal with the emotions and the pain that encompasses such a day.

Resources for Children

It seems ironically and sadly appropriate that many of the wonderful resources available can be found in the children’s section of your local library or book store. These books might help ease some of the fear and worry that your own children might be having about returning to their schools on Monday morning.

Triumphing Over Tragedy: Overcoming Adversity, by Brittany Elizabeth Tew – A colorful book for young children, the author draws upon her own experiences with tragedy to bring about comfort to children and encourage them to “dance in the rain” despite all of the pain.
A Terrible Thing Happened, by Margaret M. Holmes – Young children can benefit from this story that demonstrates the anxiety and even anger that people can experience at times like this.
Students in Danger – Survivors of School Violence – This resource is recommended for older children who might be affected by the tragedy of school violence, letting them know that they are not alone in their worries.
Rachel and the Lion, by Stephanie Lainez – This book is about a young girl in Africa whose community is struck by the tragedy of malaria, and how she grows and uses her inner strength to overcome the heartache and pain.

Resources for Parents and Caregivers

School Shootings – How to Empower Kids in the Face of Armed School Violence, by Irene Van der Zande, Kidpower Founder and Executive Director – A tool for parents and caregivers, giving advice for helping children feel secure and empowered in their own schools.
Children and Grief – Helping Your Child Understand Death, by Joey O’Connor – This book takes parents through the steps of helping children cope with death and loss.
Parenting in the Midst of Tragedy – This guide written by Glenn Lutjens, M.A. and available through Focus on the Family, is a wonderful resource for parents struggling with helping their children cope with the overwhelming emotions tragedies cause. It gives direct, focused, and practical steps that we can take to help guide our children through what we are having a hard time comprehending.

There don’t seem to be enough resources in the world to help ease the pain that a tragedy such as the school shooting in Connecticut today has caused. These are only tools to help us get one step closer to a peace we want our children to feel – and a safety we want them to have – always. As we gather as a nation in pain, we are also gathering as parents who mourn with the parents who lost their children today. We are hugging our own kids a little tighter, smiling at them a little longer, and praying a little harder.

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7 Holiday Travel Survival Tips

Posted on December 14, 2012 by shihan02

Printable Activities and Easy Games to Keep Your Kids Busy

The gifts are getting wrapped, the cookies are being baked, and the kids are dancing across the ceiling with excitement for the holidays, the travels, and seeing Grandma and Grandma on Christmas Eve. But how are you ever going to remain sane in the process? Try some of these activities and projects for busy kids who are confined to small spaces – the car, plane, or even Aunt Sally’s tiny living room that is adorned with ceramic kittens.

The first thing to remember is that you are much more likely to remain sane if your kids are given outlets for their energies and their sense, even amid the Christmas hustle and bustle. Most kids need some way to release their inner childhood crazy monsters through tactile activities that use their sense of touch, opportunities to use their senses of hearing, and through being able to use their muscles.

7 Easy Games and Printables

Printable License Plate Game

Use these printable lists of all 50 states (plus a bonus personalized license plate) to keep your kids busy scanning the roads for other travelling families. You can work on one sheet together, or print one off for each passenger.

String Tricks

My kids still play with string in the van on long trips, keeping their hands and often their humors busy. There are great string tricks you can do on your own, or play the traditional Cat’s Cradle game with 2 people. All you need is yarn – or a Chinese Jump Rope like this one. If you never mastered the art of string tricks as a child, check out this great video for easy tutorials!

Printable Travel Games

Print this page and cut apart the game sheets on the dotted lines (each page will give you 3 game sheets) for even your non-readers. As you travel along, have the kids keep their eyes open for the signs and objects on the game sheet, and either circle them or put an X through them. You can play together or make it a friendly competition to see who can complete their game card first.

Who’s In That Car?

This classic game uses the imagination and helps keep everyone focused on something other than “How many more minutes?”. Simply take turns making up stories about the people you drive by who are in their cars or trucks. Perhaps you see a car with a travel case strapped to the top – maybe you will make up a story about the travel case containing sauerkraut because the family in the car is headed to a German family reunion. Get creative and have fun – no supplies needed!

Homemade Sock Puppet or Brown Bag Buddy

Use an old sock or a brown paper lunch bag and help your little ones create puppets who can ride in the minivan with them. Come up with a storyline, including how excited your child’s Brown Bag Buddy is to be heading to Grandma’s house on Christmas Eve. The puppet will help divert heightened excitement, and also be an outlet for hands that just need to be busy.

Disappearing Coin Motivation

Buy a roll of coins for each child – the value of coins will probably be determined by the age of the child. The rolls of coins stay up from with you, and you lay out the ground rules for travel. Perhaps you have a How-much-longer-whiner in your van. For that child, every time she whines about how-much-longer, you remove a coin from the roll and add it to your own stash. If you have a sibling-picker – the one who always is poking, teasing, taunting, and making travels a bit testy – make the rule that every time those behaviors appear, another coin will disappear. When you have reached your destination, your child gets the remaining coin in the roll for souvenirs or trinkets at the hotel.

Lace ‘Em Up Cards

Turn cardboard into portable, learn-to-lace activities for preschoolers. Simply take one side of a cereal box or the lid to a shirt box, draw a basic shape (fish, candy cane, Christmas tree, flower, etc.). Then use a paper punch and punch holes in the cardboard at about 2-3 inch intervals. Grab an extra pair of shoelaces and your little one can practice lacing on the go.

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Is Your Teen in an Abusive Relationship?

Posted on December 12, 2012 by shihan02

New research gives parents one more reason to do everything they can to protect their children from teenage dating abuse and violence. Reports just released in the journal Pediatrics show that teenagers who are in abusive relationships appear to be more likely to develop emotional and substance abuse issues when they are older. The study looked at more than 5,600 children between the ages of 12 and 18 years who had been in dating relationships, of which one third reported they had experienced teen dating violence – defined as emotional and/or physical abuse. Five years after their dating experiences, those who reported being in abusive relationships were more likely to be involved in unhealthy behaviors.

Girls were more likely to binge drink, suffer from depression, smoke, and consider suicide.
Boys were more likely to be antisocial, use marijuana, and consider suicide.
Both males and females who were involved in physically abusive teenage relationships were 2-3 times as likely to be involved in violent relationships during their period of young adulthood, 18-25 years.

Recognizing and Redefining Dating Violence

These new reports are disturbing. In fact, the results of the consequences of teenage dating abuse years later are frightening, but the fact that one third of the teens surveyed were in a violent relationship is devastating. And if we shudder to think that one-third of our teenagers are suffering in violent dating relationships, we have to be equally alarmed that this means that roughly one-third of our teenagers are perpetrators of teenage dating abuse.

The teens who were involved in the study were asked if they had ever been called names, insulted, treated disrespectfully, threatened with violence, pushed, shoved, or had something thrown at them during their relationships. Because this study is an in-depth look at the culminating consequences and trends of teens in abusive dating relationships, it possibly doesn’t capture the true and present dangers our teens are facing today. As the study began with teens who were in relationships in 1996 and has followed them into adulthood, it doesn’t cover the new and ever-present component of technology in abusive relationships – and teenagers are nothing if not technology-driven.

It is becoming more and more evident that the use of technology in teenage dating violence is more frequent. Already in 2007 more than 25% of teenagers reported that someone they were dating used a cell phone to harass, intimidate, or put them down. Almost 20% of teenagers also reported that they were fearful of not responding to a text, email, or instant message because of what their partner might do in reaction, and 10% of teens had been threatened through technology (chat sites, messages, etc.) with violence by the person they were dating.

Technology can have wonderful and enriching benefits for our children, but it also makes them more susceptible to things such as teenage dating abuse.

Teens are using social media sites to keep tabs on their boyfriends/girlfriends – and seeking control is one of the biggest indicators of a potentially abusive relationship.
Teens are using cell phones to have constant contact with their boyfriends/girlfriends, another issue of control.
Cyberbullying is not limited to enemies in the 8^th grade. Boyfriends and girlfriends can be the victims of their partners’ bullying tactics online.
Sexting (sending sexually explicit messages) and taking sexually explicit videos can lead to manipulation and threats to post these things online.

If you still aren’t convinced that teenagers are in more danger of dating abuse with the advent of technology, consider publications put forth by the Oklahoma State Department of Education. In a sobering definition, teenage dating violence is described in 4 ways:

Dating Violence is the use of harassing, controlling, and/or abusive behavior to maintain power and control over a partner in a romantic relationship. Anyone can be a victim of dating violence, regardless of age, race, or gender. Types of violence may include:

Physical. A dating partner is being physically hurt, may include hit, kicked, punched, shoved, or otherwise physically injured.
Emotional/Verbal. A dating partner is exposed to emotional attacks including jealousy, insults, isolation, harassment, or threats of harm to themselves or loved ones.
Sexual. A dating partner is coerced or forced to engage in sexual activity when they do not want or cannot give consent including kissing or touching.
Technological. Emotional/verbal or sexual abuse may involve technology like cell phones and the internet. It can also be called sexting or cyberbullying.

What do I need to do?

As parents we first need to be aware that teenage dating abuse exists, and that technology can make it even easier for our kids to become the perpetrators and victims of these behaviors. We need to redefine dating violence to include technology as one of the most prevalent ways through which our children are being abused. We need to have clear and continuing conversations with our children about using technology respectfully and safely. When we can recognize the ways in which even tweens are suffering from dating abuse, then we can take steps to communicate with and lead our kids – and hopefully prevent them from becoming a statistic.

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The Child with Intense Emotions

Posted on December 12, 2012 by shihan02

There is no parenting journey that compares with loving and leading a child with intense emotions. No one hands you a helmet with ear plugs, offers you a defense shield, or tucks words of wisdom in your back pocket. You are left standing there – unprepared and unprotected from the onslaughts of emotional outbursts from your child, as well as the self-imposed criticisms you hurl upon yourself because you child seems so unhappy, easily upset, or even angry. How are you supposed to teach and guide a child who seems to be poised on the brink of intense emotions at any given time?

Does My Child Have Intense Emotions?

Probably at some point in time, many parents feel that their rambunctious toddler is emotionally intense, screaming if she doesn’t find her favorite stuffed animal in time for her nap. However, this likely isn’t an every-day occurrence, but one that arises from a short-lived, singular event, such as a busy morning with Grandma.

Children with intense emotions have consistent emotional needs multiplied by what feels to be at least one hundred. Also known as emotion dysregulation, children who experience emotions at heightened levels usually react quickly and intensely to situations that might not typically elicit those same responses in people who don’t react so fervently. Parents of children with intense emotions often describe their kids as something such as “going from 0 to 10 in less than a second” – there seems to be almost no hope for responding to certain everyday situations calmly.

Your child might even be diagnosed with other conditions such as ADHD, Asperger’s, sensory dysfunction, or even something like a personality disorder. Because intense emotions can piggy-back on top of other issues, it can be difficult to discern one from the other. In fact, some research has shown that high functioning academically gifted children might be misdiagnosed with one of the disorders just mentioned, but in reality are gifted and dealing with intense emotions.

But there is hope. There are strategies that you can use – and the earlier you start, the better. The road of parenting a child with intense emotions is rarely smooth and pristine. In fact, it is often filled with potholes –

self-doubt because you can’t understand what is happening
criticisms by others who think you are a lazy or spoiling parent
stress in the family because the intense emotional behaviors are affecting the household
stress and anxiety for your child who feels helpless and hopeless
a whole array of other, not so warm-and-fuzzy feelings about your child, yourself, and your ability to parent

I Think My Child Struggles with Intense Emotions – Now What?

Breathe and know that you’re not alone. For every child who is experiencing the world through intense emotions, there are parents, caregivers, and family members whose worlds are also being shaped by these sometimes overwhelming emotions.

Journal about your child’s behaviors. Include the circumstances immediately preceding the emotional outburst, the behaviors of your child, your reactions to the situation, and any consequences (didn’t get to attend the birthday party, missed the bus, etc.).
Consider the differences in your reactions – emotionally and cognitively. When you react to your child’s behaviors out of emotions you are feeling, chances are your reactions are swift, not completely thought through, and are not long-lasting solutions. Work more on your responses to your child’s emotional reactions.
Begin to recognize the triggers of the behaviors. If you know that your child struggles with the concept of time, and then reacts emotionally when he feels rushed, do small things to help lessen the impact of the triggers. Give 10 and 5 minute warnings before needing to leave, help your child become more organized (setting out clothes the night before) so the mornings aren’t rushed, or choose activities wisely that aren’t always dependent on time.
Consider dialectic behavior therapy (DBT). This is not something to which you send your child – it is something through which you both learn how to communicate and respond in healthier ways, especially emotionally. The goal of DBT when it comes to parenting children with intense emotions is to teach parents the skills needed to understand emotion – from the source of it, the triggers, the reactions, and the responses. There are four main goals that drive DBT.

Mindfulness of the entire situation – the triggers, the emotions, and the perspectives of all involved

Interpersonal effectiveness – communication and action strategies

Emotion regulation – this is the step most parents want to skip to, but the first two are essential

Distress tolerance – parents work toward acceptance of their child with intense emotions, and move away from judgment (Why do you have to be so crabby?) toward effective parenting strategies (I see that you are upset – let’s work together to find out why and what we can do about it.)

When parents can learn these tools, they can learn to intervene early, respond to their children more effectively, and work toward a more peaceful home. Two of the leading experts on the subject, Pat Harvey and Jeanine Penzo, have written a wonderful resource for parents: Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions. This book gives practical solutions and helps parents to see that they are not alone, they are not helpless, and the situation is no hopeless.

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Helping Kids Cope with the Loss of a Pet

Posted on December 11, 2012 by shihan02

They are furry, slimy, scaly, or cuddly. They are the other children in our homes – the family pets. And when something happens to Fred the Fish, Leonardo the Lizard, or Dixie the beloved family dog, we can find our parental heads reeling as we try to help our kids cope with the death of these pets. For some children, the death of a pet is a defining moment – it marks their first real and tangible loss in life. As a parent who has buried her fair share of the family’s fish, lizards, cats, and even dogs, helping kids deal with what can be a significant loss is challenging and sometimes even frightening.

Ways to Help Your Child Deal with the Loss of a Pet

There are no easy answers, and there is not set rule book for guiding kids through the grief process when they lose a pet. But if you never had and lost pets as a child, or if this kind of pain that your child is experiencing is more than you feel prepared for, remember that your child just needs you to guide and support – not magically erase the sadness. Pets bring so many wonderful things into our lives and the lives of our kids, that when those pets are lost we need to recognize those losses as significant if that is how our kids feel (even if we didn’t hold the same attachments).

Allow their grief to be what it is. Perhaps you weren’t aware of the fact that your son used to sit near the family pet and tell her all of his secret dreams and fears. Without this quiet confidant, your son might now be feeling even more alone than you could imagine or that he knows how to process. Some children don’t seem significantly affected by the loss, but this doesn’t mean that the effects aren’t there.

Don’t hide it or ignore it. Even if you weren’t particularly attached to Chester the Asian Dwarf Frog, recognizing that your child is expressing emotions for loss is a powerful statement you can make as a parent. This is an opportunity to teach respect, compassion, and empathy.

Give them opportunities for remembrance. This will be different for each family, the age of the kids, and the impact the pet had on your kids, but there are several things you can do to help your kids through this grieving process.

Pray. I’ve stood with sobbing children and prayed aloud that they were able to be comforted by memories, and we’ve said special prayers together that have comforted us all.
Get a special picture frame for each child to display a favorite picture of the family pet.
Journal together as a family, recording special memories about the pet, or provide older kids with their own journals where they can record their thoughts and memories.
Do something in honor of your family pet. Take a walk on his favorite trail or make a donation to the local animal shelter in her honor. Doing positive activities together helps to ease some of the pain.

Look for other resources. There are some great books available that parents can read with their kids on the subject of pets and loss, as well as just recognizing and honoring emotions.

Paw Prints in the Stars: A Farewell and Journal for a Beloved Pet

For Every Dog an Angel

I’ll Always Love You

Glad Monster, Sad Monster

Feelings Flashcards

I do know some families who chose not to have pets because they worry that their children will suffer to greatly when the pet eventually passes. Parenting a child through grief is such an emotional journey for everyone, but even through the losses my kids have experienced, I wouldn’t trade an ounce of those for the lessons they have learned from their fish, rabbits, kittens, dogs, and even lizards. These creatures have given our family funny memories, tender moments, and lessons we will never forget.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. ~ Tennyson

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