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School lunch. If you are one of the millions of parents who send their kids to school each day, you probably know by rote the hot lunch schedule or the favorites your child wants in her cold lunch box. But do you really know how much time your child actually gets to eat lunch? Beyond that, do you know what that lunch time routine can mean for your child’s overall health?

There has been a long standing debate about how to best serve healthy lunches to school children. The discussions have now moved beyond what is just on the tray and onto the environment of school lunchtime itself. Parents all over are hearing children complain about limited time to eat food, lunch monitors who hurry children through the meals, and the ever-present worries about the ultimate favorite subject: recess.

The Harms of a Hurried Lunch

One health specialist, cardiologist Dr. Arthur Agatston warns parents and school officials to take a close look at how school lunches are actually served, beyond what is just on the plate. He describes how slowing down a meal and moving away from the fast-food mentality is essential for creating healthy eating habits with our children. Agatston even goes as far as to say that teachers should be eating with their students, encouraging civilzed dining experiences where children learn how to develop social dining skills. It is not a matter of more time equaling more eating, equaling rising obesity rates. When children are allowed to eat their food unrushed, they are given the opportunity to taste, chew, and digest their meals which in turn teaches them how to recognize when they are full.

Dr. Agatston is not the only proponent for longer lunch times for kids. Former Chief Medical Health Officer for Vancouver Coastal Health, Dr. John Blatherwick feels that an optimal duration for school lunch is between 24 and 35 minutes, not including the ever-important recess. Students need time to wash, relax, and eat their lunch in order to be able to operate at their best for their afternoon classes, as well as develop a healthy eating routine. Children who have ample time to eat will be better prepared for a full afternoon’s busy schedule and can boost their academic performances.

While it might seem that 15 minutes for lunch (a typical amount allotted in an elementary school) is sufficient, in reality it is much less than 15 minutes. By the time the children move from either class or recess, wash their hands, and go through the lunch lines the actual time available for eating can be drastically less than 15 minutes. Some parents and school officials acknowledge that students might actually have only 7-9 minutes to eat their meals when all of these actions have been considered. On the other side of the hurried spectrum is France, where on average school children have a whopping 2 hours for lunch and recess, ample time to consume their food, visit, and recharge for the rest of the afternoon.

One Parent’s Journey for Better Lunchtimes

One mom of 3 in Minnesota has been learning how lunch time can be a source of stress and anxiety for the students who get 15 minutes for lunch each day. For the better part of a year Lisa heard her 3^rd grade daughter complain about lunch. It wasn’t necessarily the menu, but how she just couldn’t finish her meal on time, and hurrying through would give her a stomach ache that would interfere with the rest of the afternoon classes. Lisa decided to see for herself if these were words of typical childhood complaints or something more that needed to be addressed.

Unannounced Lisa joined her daughter for lunch one day, arming herself with her phone for timing the activities and a notepad for her covert mission. Like a handful of schools across the country, Lisa’s daughter’s school holds recess first in an effort to take away the temptation for children to rush through their meals and waste food in attempts to have as much time as possible on the monkey bars. Lisa met the class outside on the playground and saw for herself just how much time was taken to line the children up and wait to be herded into the building, where the kids then went to their lockers and waited in line again to proceed to the lunchroom.

By the time the children were into the lunchroom, several minutes were taken away from the meal time. The first child in line had 12 minutes to eat, while the last child in line for a hot lunch had just 7 minutes to consume the entire meal. Not only did some children have extremely minimal time to actually eat, but they were surrounded by lunch monitors kindly, yet firmly, reminding them that they didn’t have much time to eat so they needed to eat, eat, eat.

Lisa saw after this one lunch period how her daughter could indeed get off the bus with a stomach ache, either hungry from missing lunch or upset from speeding through it. She went to her school’s principal who simply told her that while he can empathize, there simply aren’t enough hours in the school day to give more at lunch time and still reach their academic requirements. He challenged Lisa to find those extra minutes herself, because he just didn’t see from where they were supposed to come.

What can parents do?

• Do as Lisa did and just go watch how the lunchtime routine works in your child’s school.
• Make an appointment with and go visit your school’s principal to discuss any concerns you might have.
• Talk with other parents to see how their children feel about the lunchtime routines.
• Check in with teachers to see if they have concerns – such as kids who complain about hunger or stomach aches more so in the afternoon.
• Consider packing cold lunches for your child if he is a slower eater so he doesn’t have to spend any extra time in line.

If you don’t find solutions with these small steps, you don’t have to give up. Continue to find a solution by trying some of the following.

• Formally inform other parents, teachers, and school administrators of your concerns with a written letter documenting the situation.
• Present your concerns before the school board. Each school has its own protocol for how to go about being placed on the meeting agenda, but plan for at least a one month notice.
• Develop a petition for parents and community members to sign requesting a minimum of 24 minutes for actual lunchtime. This petition can be presented to the school board or taken to your state government.
• Write letters to your state’s representatives from the Department of Education. Request meetings with them and formulate options.

Our children are in school to experience one of the most important portions of their lives – their education. We can’t equip them to be successful in the classroom if we don’t teach them healthy eating habits and give them the daily opportunities to practice what we preach.

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/NGkiRi3BkL0/

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What ever happened to the acceptance that we can be average at some things?

We have somehow become a society that teaches our children that if we aren’t in the top 5%, we need to work even harder or move on and find something else to do – that we are great at. It is an all or nothing mentality that leaves our children over-scheduled and spread too thin, and us driving them (literally) to every class and lesson in the pursuit of perfection. We need a little more room for average in our lives.

When I see my children struggle to decide which activities to do, how much time to dedicate to them, and how much pressure will be placed on them to be amazing, I long for days when being mediocre in some things was considered OK. I’ve never met anyone who was perfectly amazing at everything, but I have met plenty of people who were frustrated and depressed, trying to achieve perfection around every corner. I wonder how their lives would be different if instead of obsession with perfection of everything they were able to find joy and excitement (and some extreme greatness) for their passions in life.

I can sew. I’ve made some quilts, Halloween costumes for the kids, pillows for the living room, and repairs to various garments for the family. I even got an Award of Merit when I was 9 for a green corduroy skirt I entered in the county fair. But I am not a great seamstress. I also don’t have a burning desire to join a quilting guild and become one. Yet still, I like to sew. I guess I’m average at sewing, and that works for me. The question is: Do we teach our children that average is OK sometimes, or do we push for perfection in everything they do?

From the day our children are born, they have potential. As parents we see our sons throw their sippy cups across a room and we are ready to sign them up for the Major Leagues. We see their potential. What we fail to see sometimes are the differences between potential and passion, and how to balance the two.

Potential is the possibility of success. The more potential we have, the closer we can be to success. Our children can have true potential in many areas, but that doesn’t mean that they have the passion for or the interests in pursuing those.

Passion is the strong enthusiasm for a particular activity or idea. Again, our children can have many and varied passions. Sometimes they have passions and lack the potential, while other times the passion drives the child enough to create success where minimal potential once appeared.

The danger of potential is when we or others around our children see the potential our kids have and decide for them that there should be a pursuit. A baseball coach says, “Hey – you’ve got a great arm. Join our travelling team and come to these extra sessions every day.” Or maybe you think your child could be a superior violinist, so you sign him up for extra lessons. While these are fabulous ways to motivate and support children, the danger is when their coaches or we as parents do this and fail to ask – Do you want to do this with your time? Are you passionate about this activity and want to devote the extra time and energy it will take to pursue this at a higher level? Giving our children tools to succeed is invaluable, but pushing them to perfection along the routes we have chosen is disrespectful of their own interests and goals.

Our kids have school, homework, responsibilities at home, church, and in the community. Then there are sports, music lessons, and specialty courses and classes to choose from, through their schools, community education, and private instructors. They have all of these choices and they still only have 24 hours in a day. They need the freedom to choose which activities to try, to stick with, to leave by the wayside, or become a central part of their lives. Not every activity has to be a priority.

More importantly, they need the freedom to be average. They need to know that it is OK to have interests and find ways to incorporate those into their lives without having significant goals for those activities. Imagine your life right now – do you only do what you are perfect at doing? Maybe you can cook a great meal on Friday nights, but don’t want to attend culinary school. Life is full of things that we can do without having to perfect them.

Give your child room to decide which directions in life create excitement and enthusiasm for him, and let him pursue those with great passion. Find those superior teachers for him, get him to the best lessons, and support him on his journey. But let him be average along the way, too, with other interests that might just spark a flame, but not burn down the building. Average is the balancing point between those amazing moments when your child feels like she can conquer the world and the times when she feels like she just let down the world. The world is too much pressure – just let her be average at some things!

Article source: http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/BetterParenting/~3/fmbxBj0pcLg/

My 15 Rules for How to Homeschool Well

Tags: education, home school, homeschool, homeschooling, public education

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I’m pretty sure at some point in my youth that I thought people who homeschooled were crazy. And their children must be backward, unfortunate beings who would never be able to function in society. I am so glad I proved myself wrong. Somewhere between college, marriage, and motherhood, I started to realize that I had just one chance – one chance to provide my child with love, guidance, an education, and skills for the future.

For me that meant treading down the path of homeschooling. While my intentions were to help my daughter, and soon the sons who followed, to learn as much as possible about life, I ended up being the one who learned invaluable lessons along the way. Homeschooling is not an easy road paved with books, quiet mornings at home learning Latin, or a sheltered life free of societal pressures. In order to homeschool well I have found 15 imperative rules that help keep this education choice working for us.

1. Love being with your kids. You will spend a good deal of time with your children, and if you find yourself thinking that 4-8 hours a day of adult conversations or interactions is what you need to be content – homeschooling is not for you.
2. Learn about your state’s laws and regulations. Many states have homeschooling groups that monitor legislative changes and can help answer questions. Some families choose to connect with the Homeschool Legal Defense Association (HSLDA), a national advocacy program for homeschoolers.
3. Follow the law. Nothing is more irritating to me than parents who know the law and don’t think it applies to them. Sure – it might be just one more form to fill out, but I consider it the least I can do when I look at the struggles that people fought just to make homeschooling legal in the United States. If you think the law in your state needs to change – do something about it. In my state our homeschool laws have become less restrictive and demanding, all due to the efforts of parents who have pushed for change within the confines of the law.
4. Be ready to say, “I don’t know” and learn along with your kids. It is better to admit that you don’t have all of the answers than to partially invest in their education. There are times when my kids, especially those in high school, ask a question I can’t fully answer with information – from science experiments to the random “Where and when was the first road built in our town?” But I do answer it by telling them what I know to be true, what I think might be the case, and what we can do to find the complete answers together.
5. Be prepared to hear the sounds your children make – all of the time. They will chatter, they will giggle, and they will just make noise. Homeschooling is not for those who cherish silence. I do own ear plugs for a reason, but those are usually on reserve for dire moments of deadlines looming.
6. Be proud of it. Children take our cues from us, and it is a great opportunity to teach others about homeschooling. There will be questions, but if you answer those with pride, especially in front of your children, you will teach your kids and those around you that homeschooling is a valid, productive choice for education. 
7. Find a support group. You will need the support group, not because homeschooling is something to overcome, but because there is strength in numbers. I couldn’t find a support group when I started, so I formed my own by placing an ad in the paper – seriously. We went from 6 families at the first meeting to more than 180 in our area. We share field trips, gym time, art classes, park days, and moms’ night out.
8. Get your partner on board. Homeschooling can be challenging enough, but if your partner has his doubts it can make your efforts even more difficult. There will be days when you struggle and having a back-up person will be essential.
9. Plan financially. Homeschooling doesn’t have to cost a fortune, but by the mere fact that one or more parents are committing to directing a child’s education, there will be time invested in the educational process that won’t be able to be invested in a career. Parents of older kids can sometimes swing work and homeschooling, but often even a part-time job is difficult to maintain while effectively homeschooling. I do work part-time from home, and it has its own benefits and drawbacks.
10. Maintain a good relationship with your school. Unless you have a crystal ball that actually works, you can’t predict the future. As much as you might want to know that you will always homeschool, you can’t predict that reality. If you storm out of the principal’s office as you pull your 7^th grader out of school to homeschool, that burned bridge might be hard to repair if your child ever wants to go back or if your life situation changes and it becomes a necessity. Maybe it will just be the fact that your child, like mine, wants to participate in school sports. Keep a good relationship so all of these options can be open without tension.
11. Don’t select a singular, expensive curriculum package your first year. Give yourself time to get to know your child’s learning styles and experiment with different pieces of curriculum. Find another mom who has the book you’re considering and see if you can borrow it for a couple of weeks to see if it is the right fit.
12. Be flexible. Your child’s learning styles, interests, abilities, and goals will evolve, and it is essential to adapt to those changes. If one science curriculum was a great fit with the first 2 children it doesn’t mean that your 3^rd will react to it the same way.
13. Find a schedule that works for you. Some families choose to follow the public school calendar so that when neighborhood friends are off for vacation their kids can run through the yards with them. Some families have a less formal plan they follow all year, while some dedicate 6 weeks on and 2 weeks off as a rotating schedule year-round. We prefer to start in the fall, have 4 planned days of lessons or activities, and use Friday as our catch-up day. The kids might work on a project, we might take a field trip, or just use the time to be a family. Schedules can depend on specific state requirements, so always make sure you check with those first.
14. Give yourselves options. People inevitably ask, “How long do you plan to homeschool?” to which we have always said “As long as it works.”  So far it has worked long enough for our oldest to start college. We never wanted our kids to look back and say, “I wish you would have let me try public school.” Parents also shouldn’t continue homeschooling if they aren’t enjoying the process, because their kids will pick up on it and the family unit will suffer.
15. Know why you are doing it. When you stay focused and you know why you are homeschooling, you keep your goals in sight. My goals are many: teach my children how to learn, show them the love of learning, allow them to be individuals who pursue their passions, help them overcome hurdles, and grow together as a family. Homeschooling is my path to reaching these individualized academic and life goals with my kids. What path are you travelling and how are you getting there?

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Stresses on families come in many forms – job losses or changes, illnesses, changes in family dynamics, and a whole host of other situations can make life challenging. In the more than 16 years I have been married, my family unit has travelled down these (and other) tumultuous paths. Sometimes it feels like there is a tipping point, but then somehow the ships rights itself and we move forward, together, more resilient than I might have given us credit for along the way.

This balancing act that our families go through is what researcher Reuben Hill referred to in 1949 as the family stress theory. Hill developed this theory after studying the effects on families after loved ones served in WWII, specifically when a father or son was reported as a Prisoner of War (POW) or Missing in Action (MIA). This theory is formulated on a model, known as the ABCX model, that details 3 factors. These 3 components include:

A – the stressor event

B – the family’s perception of the stressor

C – the resources of the family to deal with the stressor

X – the likelihood that a crisis will occur 

A New Family Stress Theory Model

Since Hill’s research and theory developed, other researchers have built upon this foundation, including Wesley Burr and authors Hansen and Johnson who wrote Rethinking Family Stress Theory: Definitional Aspects. From this compilation of further research, a new model was formed, the Double ABCX Model, where family stress is defined as an imbalance between demands and resources for families. This model includes:

A – an accumulation of stressors

B – efforts by the family to find resources

C – the definition by the family of the imbalance

X – the results of the family’s abilities or inabilities to cope

There has been much debate over the last 30 years regarding whether or not these models accurately depict the stresses that families face and the process they go through when dealing with stress. Part of the contention with these models is the definition of crisis. Within the Double ABCX Model the definition assumes that crisis means a family is unable to prevent change, while opponents would argue that a crisis comes when a family can’t change.

Our families face stressors. Some of us view certain events as stressful, while others have different ideas about the roots of stress in families. It appears apparent in much of the research that while each family might define stressors differently, there are things all families can do to try to build stronger, closer, more resilient families.

Be a team. Teach your kids to have each other’s backs, and make sure you do the same thing for your spouse. When you create a sense of loyalty within your family you are more likely to be able to turn to each other in time of need. Family can be your biggest resource when facing stress and a potential crisis.

Have faith. Research shows that faith is a positive influence in the lives of families and can promote healthier lives. The healthier the individuals are who share a home, the less stress they are likely to face. Recently I had to tell my children some sad news about the health of a close family member. Everyone was silent at first, but then my youngest simply said, “I think we should pray.”

Expand your definition of family. Sometimes creating a strong, resilient family means moving beyond the bounds of shared surnames. Bring people into your lives who will be resources of positive forces and help your children feel safe and secure – this doesn’t have to be a blood relative. I was recently helping my kids work on a family genealogy project, and my son asked where a dear friend of ours fit in to the tree. I later relayed to our friend how my son considered him family and wanted to know where he belonged on the family tree. He said he was the tree house – connected and a lot of fun! When kids have strong people in their lives, they have more resources for finding coping mechanisms.

Teach your kids to adapt. One of the important pieces to both versions of the family stress theory models is the ability of families to adapt to changes. If your child resists change, start by focusing on the good that changes can bring to your life, but don’t just dismiss the bad. Help your child to see that there are many times when we don’t always like all of the parts of change, but we need to see beyond these and focus on ways to move our lives through the rough spots.

This process of adaptation needs to start when our kids are young, in small, incremental steps. If your 5 year old was supposed to go to a birthday party but got sick instead, avoid the full-out tantrum-crisis of sadness by helping her adapt to the new situation. Acknowledge that it must be sad to miss this party, and then talk about other parts to that change in plans. Talk about how it will give her an opportunity to celebrate with her friend another time, and maybe how she would get to pick her favorite movie to watch with you. Don’t forget to remind her of the need to respect the health of others by staying away from them while we are still actively sick.

Change is an unavoidable part of life, but we can do things to help our children be prepared for changes. The difference between change that causes our children to go into crisis mode and change that allows them to grow can often be found in the skills for adaptation that we help them develop.

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As adults and parents who are watching the job markets around us take more twists, turns, and plummets than an amusement park ride, trying to prepare our children for these challenges can be very daunting. Gone are the days when we just need to escort them to college, for practically any degree, and be confident they will come out the other side with a job that pays well and that the kids actually seem to like.

New numbers are showing a frightening trend for our youth: just 56% of those graduating with a four-year degree found a job that utilized their degree within 6 months of graduating. This is compared to 90% of graduates successfully finding work in 2006-2007. In another survey, only about ½ of college graduates said their first job required the college degree they not only worked so hard to get, but will be paying off for years to come.

Whether or not you fall into the category of those who think that everyone should have a college education, or those who feel that college is now a watered down version that holds little tangible, practical value, it is still important to help your children determine the path that is best for them. When I was growing up, my parents always told me and my siblings we didn’t have to go to college. We just had to do something after high school. Helping children find that something can be challenging, but there are some real-world ways to help them envision their future.

Make Connections

Help kids connect their education to possibilities and opportunities. If your child talks about becoming a mechanic, help him find programs for training and find out early on which high school classes will be needed to support those. Look through employment ads and speak with human resource officers with your children to see what types of qualifications employers seek, and at what pay levels.

Don’t Let Them Take the Easy Road

Don’t let your child take the cop-out on education and say early on that they don’t want to go to college so they don’t need to take more than 1 math class in high school. The truth is that no one knows for certain if college will be the right path in 3, 6, or 16 years. College doesn’t have to be the answer, but it is our job to make sure that if it someday becomes the chosen path that we made sure our kids were prepared to succeed.

Find Ways for Your Child to Job Shadow

Talk with your children about their interests and then help them find a real-world example of that job. If your son tells you he wants to be a sports reporter, go to the local radio or television station and see if he can shadow someone with that job title, and don’t do it on a day when there are lots of exciting things happening in sports. You want your child to have a realistic view of a typical day. My daughter is pursuing college for biology and has job shadowed people in their daily careers. This real world exposure is a valuable tool for children who are considering specific fields of work.

Find Mentors

The best people to tell your children about specific work, jobs, and education are those who are in those direct fields. Don’t just limit it to one or two experts in your child’s current favorite – there is no magic age when our interests and abilities stop changing. Expose him to as many people as possible in various fields of work and encourage him to ask questions about expectations and experiences.

Attend Job Fairs

While job fairs won’t give your child real-world experiences in work, they will be one more way to connect her to local employers. The old adage seems to be even more true these days – it is not necessarily what you know, but who you know. Exposing your children to as many people who can help them find job possibilities is just one more positive step for the future.

Get Real

Teach your child realistic lessons about income and finances. She can grow to earn a college degree and still file for bankruptcy, or she can drop out of high school and never be late paying a bill. The key difference is finding a way to balance the money coming in with the money going out. No matter what path your child decides to take, make sure that she can afford it.

Give Them Wings

Yes – it is great to see a child successful in a career, but it doesn’t guarantee that the child will be successful in life. Don’t forget to make sure there is room on your child’s path for his passions and his dreams, and leave some wiggle room for those to change over time.

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3 Ways to Add Thanksgiving Fun to Your Family

Tags: activities for thanksgiving, family activities for thanksgiving, giving thanks, thanksgiving, thanksgiving ideas

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We have now entered the Holiday Spiral Zone – we went from creating fun Halloween costumes and pranks to spook each other, to the sugar melt downs, and Bang! Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and the Christmas stockings are itching to climb upon their hooks. Help your kids slow down and enjoy the spirit of Thanksgiving with these 3 ways to bring your family closer and make the most of this holiday.

Thanksgiving might bring about images of pilgrim hats, the Mayflower, and overflowing cornucopias – not always the stuff childhood excitement is made of. Bring a little play into the season with some easy and fun games and activities.

• Play pin the gobbler on the turkey.
• Print themed bingo games and play on family game night.
• Get your kids in the kitchen and have them help you make fun desserts like the turkey cupcakes shown above.
• Provide little ones with themed coloring pages.
• Teach your kids silly stories and songs, such as The Turkey Shot Out of the Oven.
• Play The Talking Fork at dinner. Bring out an over sized fork and take a new twist on the Native American idea of a talking stick. Pass the fork and instruct everyone who holds it to tell a favorite memory, something for which they are thankful, or perhaps how they have been blessed this year. Only the person with the Talking Fork speaks, making it a fun way for little kids to feel like their voices are really heard.

Celebrate the holiday of Thanksgiving with your kids by learning with them about his tradition. Incorporate good books into your daily routine that talk about the holiday – perhaps choosing to read aloud as a family a chapter book that looks more closely at the historical aspect. Some books to start looking for at your library include:

• 10 Fat Turkeys, by Tony Johnston and Richard F. Deas
• I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Pie, by Alison Jackson and Judy Schachner
• P Is for Pilgrim: A Thanksgiving Alphabet, by Carol Crane and Helle Urban
• If You Were At The First Thanksgiving, by Anne Kamma and Bert Dodson
• ‘Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving, by Dav Pilkey
• The Thanksgiving Story, by Alice Dalgliesh and Helen Sewell
• The Thanksgiving Door, by Debby Atwell
• . . . If You Sailed on the Mayflower in 1620, by Ann McGovern and Anna DiVito
• The Pilgrims’ First Thanksgiving, by Ann Mcgovern and Elroy Freem
• The Berenstain Bears Give Thanks, by Jan Berenstain and Mike Berenstain

Sign up at Scholastic to have your kids experience a virtual world from the first Thanksgiving, starting with the journey on the mayflower. This virtual voyage is free and a great way for reluctant readers to still learn about the history behind the holiday.

Have your kids create a special Thanksgiving activity to share with others on the actual holiday. My older kids even video recorded a holiday spoof one year and brought the DVD to Grandma’s house to watch after football with everyone. They had a great time writing a script, acting out the scenes, and editing the video. One year the kids also made a homemade Jeopardy style game (on tag board), with Thanksgiving themed questions – or answers – and everyone played while we waited for dessert.

You are about to enter the domain of Christmas frenzy in just a matter of weeks, so approach the holiday season with the right spirit of generosity and  help your kids develop their  spirit of service. Each fall, immediately after Halloween, as my children are coming down from their sugar highs, we decide on service projects to do as a family. This year I charged the youngest with the task of choosing a new project. He has selected Bundle Me Warm, a used coat and outwear drive that supplies the much needed warm outerwear for families in need. He is working on invitations to send to family and friends asking them for their donations, and will host a party where he will collect the items. He is eight years old, the perfect age to use his infection enthusiasm to spread a little holiday cheer.

Each year our family also helps prepare Thanksgiving baskets that our church provides to families in need, and it has provided an amazing sense of thankfulness in our family. If you are short on ideas check with local churches and community centers for their needs. Go out and find something to remind your family all you have to be thankful for, or better yet, let your kids find something and tag along for the ride!

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What is the difference between teaching our children to be socially conscious, respectful people and teaching them to compromise their own dreams, ideas, and emotions for the good of the group? I admit that I struggle with raising children who are independent, grounded, and aware of their own morals and values, yet who are also able to adapt to their environments and various social settings. I worry that by encouraging them to adjust their actions in certain settings that I am teaching to them to give up on their convictions in order to “fit in” and avoid conflicts.

After reviewing literature and studies on the topic, I think my answers lie in the research being done on social intelligence. Upon a first review, it might seem that social intelligence is another version of emotional intelligence, or emotional I.Q., but there are clear distinctions. Emotional intelligence is the ability of an individual to recognize and manage his own emotions, the foundations for creating healthy relationships with others. Parents and caregivers are extremely influential in helping their children develop their emotional I.Q.s.

On the other hand, social intelligence lies just beyond emotional intelligence, within the capacities of people to form meaningful relationships and connect with others. These connections move them beyond their own, individual actions and reactions to interactions with others. It is the ability of people to understand others and react to others in aware, significant, consequential ways. It is in essence at minimum a two-person experience, where emotional intelligence is an individual function.

Author of the book, Social Intelligence, Daniel Goleman talks about what he considers to be a key, fundamental discovery in neuroscience: human brains are wired to connect with other humans. Have you ever had that moment when you looked in your child’s eyes and felt you knew what she was thinking? Perhaps you were experiencing a form of social intelligence, where you allowed yourself to be in tune with another person.

This isn’t the stuff of science fiction. This is the stuff that helps parents like me formulate better plans and strategies for raising healthy, happy children who are involved and engaged with the world around them. Goleman further discusses how those people with whom we feel strong emotional connections and with whom we spend a lot of time are the ones with which we can most easily connect socially. Your 12-year-old son might know precisely what you mean when you look at him while he throws the football on the couch, but someone who doesn’t share your personal and past experiences might not be able to correctly read that as, “When was the last time I told you to throw that ball in here? Never”. Goleman writes that “…our most routine encounters act as regulators in the brain, priming emotions in us, some desirable, others not.”

It is not just our relationships with our family and close friends where we utilize social intelligence. Goleman also discusses, for example, how neuroscience works when a woman makes definitive eye contact with a man – there is actually a physical response within the brain. The two are in essence connected. Social intelligence comes when we pay attention to those around us, their cues, and react to that environment. It has been simplified in some literature in the following way: Traditional intelligence is what makes people smart thinkers. Social intelligence allows them to use that academic knowledge further. Take an awkward employee who is really good at his job, but who just can’t seem to get along with co-workers. He might have intelligence, but lack social intelligence, making it less likely that he will excel in his position.

How Do I Raise a Socially Intelligent Child?

One of the reasons why I homeschool is so that I can raise children who think for themselves and have every opportunity to stay true to themselves. However, I do feel that it is important and even necessary to be able to clearly understand a social setting and adjust your actions to work well in that setting. Social intelligence is not giving less of yourself or changing who you are to be cool,  it is knowing enough about yourself and others that you can interact respectfully and confidently. I keep hearing a song from my childhood roll through my head… “you’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away, know when to run.” (The Gambler). Teaching children to understand their surroundings is the first step to social intelligence.

• Teach children to respect people even if they have different ideas and opinions. Sometimes it seems that people confuse respecting others with compromising your own convictions, but the two are separate. Remind your kids that not everyone has the same social, religious, or cultural backgrounds and that this is not reason for separation or conflict. You can be respectful without adopting the views of someone else or letting your own fall to the ground.
• Help children identify their audiences and peers and which social settings might require a specific approach. For me this was my son’s speech class, where he was assigned to write and present a persuasive speech. His audience, I knew, held specific conservative views. I encouraged my son to choose a topic that would not cause ire within the group – it is not a matter of teaching him to lower his own opinions and views, because the goal of the class was simply to learn to write and present speeches, not to convince others of specific ideas.
• As you work with your child to identify his own emotions and his emotional intelligence, you will see him develop empathy. It is this empathy that he can use to connect with others. Talk with your child about the actions and reactions of others. If your child is playing with friends and someone’s toy breaks, you can say something such as, “I bet that is disappointing that the toy broke. Do you think we might be able to fix it together?” By doing these simple things you are teaching your child to identify with the emotions of another and choose a course of action based on that.

We are social beings. Raising children who are capable and compassionate requires developing social intelligence. However, it doesn’t have to mean compromising ideals. Instead it means that we raise our children to respect others as people, even when we don’t agree, and treat others with the dignity and kindness that we hope others will give our children in return. Now that sounds like a smart idea.

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“Can I please have a bunny? I promise to take care of it!” Those were the words I heard for months from my daughter when she was barely old enough to tie her shoes. How was she going to care for a bunny? I certainly didn’t need the extra job while raising and homeschooling 4 children, all under the age of 7 – not to mention bunnies weren’t my kind of pet. But then I realized, this wasn’t about me. This was about my daughter exerting her preferences and reaching her goals. Gulp. It was time to make a plan, and maybe get a bunny.

Let’s face it, there are almost too many choices when it comes to our kids and the pets they want. Snakes, lizards, dogs, birds, fish – the list goes on and on. Deciding which pet is right for your family involves asking yourself and your child many questions, and being honest with the answers.

Can we afford this?

Remember to consider more than the “start-up” costs of pet ownerships like a bowl, bed, and collar. There are routine vet visits, foods, and extras. Pets do not come with a lifelong guarantee, so you need to be prepared for unexpected costs, such as pets who turn out to need special foods in their diet (which usually cost much more than average foods), medications, and licenses for larger animals. Don’t forget for animals such as dogs and cats the need to make sure they are spayed or neutered, a one-time expense. Find a veterinarian before bringing Fido home: it is the best way to plan ahead for expenses and expectations.

Do we have room?

While a cat might not need much more space than the end of the bed or ledge of the windowsill, other items such as a litter box, scratching post, and food dishes will take up space. Make sure you envision where all of those extras will fit into your home.

Do we have the time?

Mr. Goldfish might not take up much more time than the evening feeding, but many pets do require the time and attention that we are already short on within our families. Dogs need daily exercise and grooming, and we can’t forget about the training we have to be able to commit to in order to raise a dog our family can live with sanely. Even the time it takes to clean a litter-box or a bird cage is time that we have to be willing to either give up ourselves, or give up as we monitor our kids do the tasks. It is still on us to make sure the tasks are completed.

Remember that smaller is not always better. Small pets like fragile dog breeds, kittens, and gerbils can be more difficult for children to handle easily and safely. Talk with a veterinarian to determine the best kind of breeds for your family’s needs.

Consider low-maintenance pets to start, such as freshwater fish. They are inexpensive to purchase and feed, require minimal time commitments, and can’t escape (very easily). When our kids were preschool age they all started with some type of aquatic pet. They learned about the responsibility it takes to feed and care for them, and they also learned about losing pets at certain points – a sad but real component of life.

Be realistic in the decision. Birds that require quiet surroundings will not do well in a house full of active children, no matter how beautiful the feathered creatures might look in the living room. So called designer dogs might look adorable in your child’s doll bed, but are actually often too fragile for small children to handle easily.

Don’t bring home a pet as a holiday gift. The holidays are already filled with chaos, people, and busy households. Wait to bring in a pet until your child doesn’t have a lot already going on, and you are free to focus on this singular addition to the home.

Avoid adopting a pet on short notice because your child is just begging for one. Take the time to make a plan and make sure that you are all ready for this new addition. Estimate the amount of time and level of responsibility that your child will need in order to help care for this pet and incorporate similar levels into her day for an extended period of time. This helps her to work towards her goal and helps you determine if she is really ready for that bunny in the window.

We did eventually bring that bunny home – 2 actually. But this was after many months of planning and discussing. Our daughter had to demonstrate her responsibility by following through every day for 3 months with a list of specific tasks, such as making her bed before breakfast, feeding the fish without reminders, and other household jobs appropriate for a 7-year-old. We have now endured… and enjoyed… 3 bunnies, 3 dogs, more cats than I can count (we have fostered for an animal welfare program), 2 lizards, countless fish, and 2 African dwarf frogs. Without them the kids would not have learned compassion, responsibility, and how to test the durability of their jeans as they chased the puppy in the yard.

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Did you grow up with a dog giving you slobbery kisses, or a cat constantly curled up in the windowsill? Or maybe you begged for the bunny in the window, only to never bring him home? Do your kids now beg for those same pets you cherished, or the ones you never had? The addition of pets to our chaos (homes with kids) may not be necessary for our children to have amazing childhoods. We probably won’t permanently harm them if we decide against Fido or Mr. Toad, but there are some surprising and worthwhile benefits to bringing those creatures into our families.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, children who are raised in environments where there are family pets tend to have better outcomes in several key areas in life.

• Pets help children develop empathy and compassion.
• Pets help kids develop non-verbal communication skills.
• Pets provide a connection to nature that some kids might not otherwise have.
• Pets can be safe “secret friends” for kids – children are inclined to talk to their pets as they would their stuffed animals or imaginary friends.
• Pets help teach children responsibility and respect for living things.

Can our kids really get all that, and more, from a slippery goldfish or lazy cat? Research actually shows that not only will our kids develop better emotional skills by caring for pets, but they can have improvements in academics and physical health as well. Children who are raised with pets have lower risks of developing asthma and other pet related allergies. Pet owners also tend to have lower blood pressure and get more physical activity. Children dealing with emotional stresses benefit from the inclusion of pets in the home, and research has shown that separation anxiety can be reduced when a pet is part of the picture.

Are Pets Really Beneficial to Academics?

In an interesting study, researchers found that children who are learning to read have higher levels of success when they practice reading to furry four-legged friends – dogs. It appears that children are more confident reading to pets because there is no fear of rejection for making a mistake. Therapy dogs are used in school settings to calm children and build confidence, something I have seen firsthand. Our daughter trained and successfully tested our family dog as a therapy dog. This means the two of them visit nursing homes, hospitals, and preschools. We have repeatedly seen and been told that when the therapy dogs are in the room, the children are better behaved and more engaged in their environments.

Sometimes the most important thing a pet can provide our kids is a bridge between their emotions and their intellect. Owning a puppy doesn’t mean you will raise an Einstein, but it can give kids an extra boost just where they need it. Pet ownership can foster creativity and stress the need for perserverance. Any child who has ever tried to train a pet knows the committment that is needed in order to be successful.

We just crossed the line last night in our home as our youngest brought home a new fish – the kids have so many pets I am losing count. They are mostly just fish, so it is not like I have guinea pigs, rabbits, and dogs running amuck in my living room. But long gone are the days when we had one fish, and that one fish was enough to entertain and occupy our toddler. We now number 1 dog, 2 cats, and 5 (or maybe 6) fish. Add that into the busy life of a family of 6 humans and it is a wonder we all fit in our modest home. Add on top of that we occasionally foster kittens for a local animal welfare organization, and anyone can see that we have crossed the line. We have the vet’s phone number on speed dial, have a seatbelt for the dog, and more pets than kids. But we also have a son who might forget where is backpack is every other day, but who always remembers to feed his fish. The kids have said final goodbyes to pets who didn’t make it, have lovingly cried when foster pets found new homes, and use the dog as a pillow during storytime. Our kids would just not be the same without our pets – however many there are in here…

If you’re still not convinced that your family might truly benefit from having pets, check out this funny video. And check back with me tomorrow to learn how to choose the best pet for your child.

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Toddlers and preschoolers are some of the busiest people on the planet. They want to explore, investigate, and test the edges of their knowledge of how things work. If you’re a parent of these young bundles of exploratory energy, you know how challenging it can be to get your work done while they stay engaged and content, especially without turning on the television to babysit them. Whether you are a stay-at-home mom or work-at-home mom (or dad!), there are a few tricks to keep up your sleeve when it comes to TV-free activities for little ones that will let you have a few extra minutes to get things done.

Camp in the Living Room

Use extra sheets and chairs to build a tent with your kids in the living room, or invest in a nylon pop-up tent. Keep a box of kid friendly camping supplies ready that include flashlights, LED lanterns, books with wildlife pictures and stories, and some inexpensive plastic bug toys. Let the kids add pillows and a favorite stuffed animal to the mix and they are ready to camp while you get the kitchen cupboards clean, pay bills, or do some table filing.

Play Floor Games

It can be hard on rainy or cold days to entertain the kids inside, but bringing a little outside fun inside will help keep them moving and let you have a few minutes to fold laundry. Use painters’ tape to create hop scotch grids, 4-square grids, and other games on the floor. Instead of throwing rocks for hop-scotch, give the kids a milk jug lid or bean bag to toss. For 4-square, use a balloon or inflatable beach ball instead of a playground ball or basketball. For toddlers even just running two parallel lines of tape across the floor can give them a safe place to practice balance – have them skip, slither, or walk on tip-toes along the lines.

Open a Box of Treasures

When my kids were younger I always kept a box of treasures I only pulled out when absolutely necessary – guests were coming for dinner and I still had play clay stuck in my hair or the kitchen looked like something exploded in it – yesterday. I kept small toys, games, and craft supplies in the box that I would collect at thrift stores, after Christmas clearance, and from friends who were cleaning house. Sometimes I would make a game of it and let the kids have 30 seconds to choose a game, or I would select one for them. Things like a baby doll, toy motorcycle, puzzle, book of silly faces, or new jar of craft model clay can provide 15 minutes of fun for the kids and valuable Mom time. The treasures go back into the box for another day at the end of the 15 minutes.

Make a tunnel – Listen to your kid’s need to crawl and explore and make a tunnel with pillows or use one of those play tunnels designed for kids (or in our case now, dog agility). Snake the tunnel in your work space and let the kids bring their toy cars, stuffed frogs, or rubber snakes into the tunnel and race them through it with them. It keeps kids moving and takes just a few minutes put away.

Add music – If you’re trying to sweep or dust, dance around and do it to music and get your little ones hopping to the beat. It makes the chore more enjoyable for both of you!

Use a kitchen timer – If you need 10 minutes to finish a project while your son stays busy, let him know that for 10 minutes it is his time to build with blocks while you finish your project. Setting a timer will help him know that there is an end game in sight and at the end of 10 minutes your attention will be back on him. Stick with your word and make sure that after the 10 minutes you engage him in play or an activity. You can always grab another 10 minutes later – don’t try to set a timer for 60 minutes and expect him to be content.

Dump out the toy box – My little ones loved nothing more than when I would literally tip the toy box upside down and let them have at it. There were always treasures at the bottom that they couldn’t get to with their own shorter arms. The mess can be dumped back in if you don’t have time or energy to sort it, and they will likely be content to investigate whatever has been lurking and lost at the bottom.

Give them a job – While it might not sound like fun, toddlers and preschoolers are much more likely to be content if they know they have something to do. Give them the task of dusting the table, and then fashion a miniature duster from a clothespin clipped to a small square of a paper towel that they can use to dust their doll furniture.

Give them a camera – Keep an inexpensive digital camera on hand that your little ones can use to document their day. Have them take pictures of you working, their toys ready for a new game, or their cat sleeping on their bed. Just before Dad comes home, help them print the pictures and make a poster of their day.

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