How to Raise Teenagers You Can Live With
Raising teenagers can be a little like mastering a secret language while trying to navigate through a mine field. If you can accurately learn the language you will be more likely to survive the trials and tribulations that parenting teens brings. With two teenagers in my home I know that it sometimes feels like there will be no safe passage granted to me as their parent (just because I wear the title of Mom), which is why I am so determined to make sure that these years aren’t spent fighting or filled with strife. I am trying to make conscious efforts to parent in a way that will allow them to flourish, while allowing me to survive!
Let Them Be… Individuals
Teenagers know they will eventually (soon) become adults, responsible for themselves and their own decisions in every way. That is not something that we can magically drop in their laps upon their 18th birthdays, but is something we need to prepare them for gradually. Even though it can be really challenging as a parent to give up that total leadership role, letting our teens make decisions now will help them form their individuality that they will need in order to function well in life. If your child knows himself, he can stand up for himself, believe in himself, and help himself make his dreams come true.
Some ways your child can assert himself and become his own individual self might include:
- Let him choose his own hairstyle.
- Give her freedom to assemble her own wardrobe.
- Let your teen have choices for music, movies, and television.
- Give your teen the freedom to decorate his own bedroom space.
- Be OK with your teen trying things that you might not otherwise have encouraged when she was younger, such as becoming a vegetarian, politically active, or an advocate for a social issue.
As parents it can be frightening to give our children choices on these matters. We worry if the hairstyle will involve purple spikes, the wardrobe be appropriate for Grandma to see, or the bedroom look like a cave. However, we can guide our children through these choices without making them feel like we are still in the driver’s seat – subtlety is my new best friend as I parent teens.
Give them Boundaries
Decorating their own room and choosing their own clothes are simple ways to allow our children to display their individual personalities, but we still need to set clear boundaries for them. When the rules are clear, understood by all, and fair, they are usually more likely to be followed. The most important rule for parents is to be consistent. Teenagers are constantly maneuvering to test the waters and actually need that safe, consistent parent to fall back on when things don’t go as planned.
- Establish a curfew. The later our kids are out at night, the more likely they are to be getting into trouble. This doesn’t mean, however, that we need them in bed by 9:00. Talk together about where they are going, who they will be with, and the importance of being home on time.
- Set rules about friends in the home when parents are gone.
- Talk about sleepovers and decide together what works for your family. If you allow sleepovers, make sure you set some rules for conduct and also let your child know that if she is ever at a sleepover that she can call at ANY time of night and get a ride home for any reason.
- Make and keep rules for cell phone use. No phones while driving, no phones at the dinner table, and always carrying a phone when out jogging in the neighborhood are good places to start. Cell phones for kids can be great annoyances for parents, but also invaluable tools for staying connected and safe.
- Clearly establish expectations for academics, allowing for individual talents and abilities. If your child needs to take a break from school and works best on homework after dinner, be flexible.
Know Their Friends
When parents truly know their teen’s friends they have a head-start on the parenting race. Taking the time to get to know your child’s friends does two things.
- It tells your child that you care enough about him to invest your time and energy into forming a relationship with his friends. This doesn’t mean that you become best buddies with your son’s friends, which can blur the lines too much. It does mean that you know their life situations, interests outside of school, and maybe what Friday night meal they prefer when they come over.
- It gives you one more way to stay involved in your own child’s life and have some positive influence. Your teen’s friends might even need to look to you for guidance at certain times in their lives and they will be more comfortable doing so if you have taken the time to form some type of bond with them.
Getting to know your teen’s friends might not always seem easy, especially if your child feels threatened by those relationships forming. Keep trying subtle ways to let your child and her friends know that you want to be a supportive part of their lives.
- Encourage your teen to have friends over to the house (preferably when you are home and can welcome them yourself).
- Listen to your teen when she talks about her friends, even if it is just about the amazing outfit they saw at the mall.
- Support your teen and her friends. Go to their school functions, cheer for them at sporting events, and offer to chaperone when needed.
- Ask questions and listen to the answers, but don’t give third degree questioning. If you are driving kids to the mall, ask how their week was at school, which teachers they like best, who they think will win the football game, and which radio station they want to listen to on the drive. These will help you learn more about the people your child is spending time with and will let everyone know that you care in a non-threatening way.
- Get to know the preferences of your child’s friends. Maybe Jo loves cheeseburgers, but Sara is allergic to wheat so you need to have some corn bread on hand for her. These simple things send a message that you value their individual needs.
The efforts your put into getting to know your teen’s friends will benefit you as well. Your relationship with your teen will be better because she will see that you genuinely care about her friendships. Your teen’s friends will also feel more able to come to you when there are problems, either with your own teen or in their own lives.
Above all, spend time together, one on one. This phase of teen life can seem daunting, but is also very fleeting and can be filled with wonderful memories. It is an opportunity to get to know the person your teen is growing to be, and you still get to have a positive, influential hand in the process. Let your teenager choose activities for you to share. His interests have probably changed over the years so don’t assume that because you have always gone to the park to roller blade together that he still wants to do this (with his mom!). Take time to enjoy the experience of your teen’s life becoming his own – it is one of the gifts parents can give themselves.
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