The Thin Grey Line Between Adult and Teen Conversations
If you have tweens or teenagers you have mostly likely had a debate or two with them about curfew, choices in academics or friendships, or even politics and religion. These are your children with whom you struggle to lead without smothering, and into whose hearts you try to impress your values and expectations. How do you handle it when their same-aged friends attempt to have these same discussions with you – the adult and the parent of their friend?
As my children have grown older I have noticed a trend that I know didn’t exist in my circle of friends when I was a youth – tweens and teens questioning and challenging the parents of their friends. I have been on the receiving end of these discussions, from everything to religion to finances, and it never ceases to surprise me that children are so comfortable engaging adults in debates about topics that were once taboo. While I am the first proponent of raising independent thinkers and children who stand up for their values, there is a grey line that keeps appearing in my relationships with the friends of my kids, and between other children and adults. When is it OK to debate and discuss certain topics with children, especially other people’s children?
Ways to Disengage from the Conversation
I recently had a 14-year-old friend of my kids question me about my views on creation and evolution, when he knew our views wouldn’t agree and wanted to debate me on several points. Times like this make me pull from my box of, “Get out of Discussion Free” cards.
- “There simply isn’t enough time to get into all of those interesting details before I get you back home.”
- “I think those conversations should be held with your parents present – I wouldn’t want to influence you in a way that they feel is wrong.”
Or the blame it on age one…
- “When you are my age or I am your age we could have that discussion.”
Frankly, I don’t expect my kids to be questioning their friends’ parents in ways that incite disagreements. More importantly, I don’t think that adults should be having these conversations with kids without the involvement of the other parents. Certain things are just off-limits when it comes to appropriate conversations to have with the friends of your children.
Dangerous Topics for Discussions with Teens
First of all, let me be clear that these are discussions that parents should be having – with their own children. The issues arise when adults choose to discuss these topics with the young friends of their children. There are certain topics that are on the thin grey line when it comes to things we as parents should be discussing with the friends of our children. Some of these that might cause tension include:
Religion – For many families religion is a core central belief that develops over time as a process of parents sharing ideas, morals, values, and beliefs with their children.
Politics – Political values and opinions are often tied with religious and moral beliefs within families.
Sex – There can be nothing more difficult for parents to discuss with their children than sex and intimacy and all that it entails. The foundation for those discussions often rest heavily on the foundations of religious and moral standards.
Gossip – Whether it is about the neighbors or the science teacher, gossip is that ratty, unbecoming of ragging on others without giving them the opportunity to respond.
Now consider these topics and consider another adult discussing them with your children, without your knowledge, input, or consent. If it makes your skin creep just a little as you wonder what they might be saying, that is the thin, grey line between appropriate and inappropriate conversations. Make sure you remind your kids, too, about the real world differences between their viewpoints as a child and those of the parents of their friends. Chances are your kids aren’t ready to hear all of the reasons why another adult has her or her viewpoints – there is a lot of lifelong learning that goes into forming these opinions and if you’re OK with your child proposing the debate, you need to be ready for how the other adult might answer. I’d love to hear from other parents on this topic!
- Do you think it is OK for the friends of your children to engage you in tense debates?
- How do you feel about adults debating with your children?
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