Don’t Raise a Meanie
Lessons about kindness and friendship can come in many forms, and teaching our children to pay it forward and understand the importance of the golden rule is one of the most important things we can do for our kids. Raising kind and conscientious children is deeply rooted in raising emotionally intelligent children who can look beyond their own needs and understand how they are a part of their environment. While this might all sound wonderful, parents often struggle with how to teach their children to be kind. In reality, there are 5 basic steps we can do to raise kind children who will be the kinds of people others want to be around, instead of from whom they want to turn.
- Label kindness for your children. So many times as parents we get caught up in the “don’t do that” phrases that we forget to focus on the good. If you see your child being kind, describe the action and acknowledge the behavior. It might be something like, “Asking that boy to join in the game when he was all alone was a kind thing to do.”
- Use other synonyms for kindness. Bring words like thoughtful, caring, respectful, courteous, and polite into their vocabularies. Catch your children in the acts of doing these types of behaviors and label them appropriately. Raising their emotional intelligence involves broadening their definitions of kindness and being able to identify the nuances between these terms. As they grow, they will be able to better understand their own emotions as well.
- Focus on the consequences of kindness. If your daughter clears away debris from the sidewalk of an elderly neighbor’s home, acknowledge her actions and the consequences of them. Say something such as, “That was kind and thoughtful of you to clear the branches from Mrs. Smith’s sidewalk. It will make it easier and safer for her to walk to the mailbox.” Responding like this highlights how the kind action impacts someone’s life.
- Be kind to your kids and others around you. You might think it is offensive to suggest that parents aren’t always kind, but reflect a minute on your day. Did you hurry your child through an activity? Did you complain about a driver in the next lane? Were you less than patient with the waiter at dinner? We are constantly on display for our children and they soak in every ounce of our actions and words. If we want our children to be kind to others, it must begin with our own actions and reactions.
- Do random acts of kindness. Make sure you provide regular examples of random acts of kindness – those little times when you go out of your way to make a difference for someone, without expecting anything in return. Young children often love to surprise people. Take advantage of their generous spirits and act with them as Secret Santas – givers of gifts. These can be raking a neighbor’s yard, leaving a bouquet of flowers for the crossing guard, or even a simple note of thanks acknowledging the hard work of your local librarians. Your kids will learn the value of kindness, and chances are, get as much (if not more) out of it than the one on the receiving end.
Lessons in Kindness
Recently, someone else helped to teach my daughter the very important lesson of kindness. As she attended her college orientation, she met another new student, who in turn introduced my daughter to her family members. The next day an unbelievable lesson in the small moments of kindness unfolded. This new friend handed my daughter a note from her younger sister (who I will call Jenny). Jenny’s note was a thank you letter, more than 2 years after the fact. This young girl asked my daughter if she remembered her, and said that she had been looking for my daughter ever since that one day when they briefly met at the local ice rink more than 2 years ago. Jenny wrote about how my daughter had asked her to join in with her and her friends as they skated and played games on the ice. In the note Jenny said that the small act of kindness from my daughter was truly a special moment for her. Jenny wrote of how she felt blessed to have been included that day and always wanted the chance to say thank you.
As a parent, I am the one who wants to say thank you. Thank you for teaching my daughter, as well as the rest of my family, about the value of simple kindness. Our children rush around in their little pods of friendships, just as we rush around in our minivans from one activity to another. We really never know when one simple act of kindness will be just what someone will treasure. When we teach our children to provide treasures to those around them, we are all blessed with riches.
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