Do you cringe with embarrassment at the thought of having that discussion – you know the one – about the birds and the bees with your kids? The first problem might be that you are thinking of it as a single discussion, not an evolving and ongoing conversation. The second issue could be that you are still referring to the conversation as one about birds and bees because you are somehow more comfortable living the in the 1960’s when the song that made this phrase famous was performed. So, if you’re cringing, take a deep breath and relax – don’t have a talk with them about the birds and the bees. They are human kids and have a lot more to worry about than the mating rituals of exotic birds. Have lots of ongoing conversations about human life. It really isn’t as frightening as your blood pressure is making it out to be.
Don’t Have The Talk
Stop thinking of it as a singular conversation – a talk. Talking with your children about sex education is about so much more than just sex that it really can’t fit into just one discussion (although some of our parents might have tried that trick). It is important to keep an open, on-going dialogue with your kids about nature, people, conception, birth and all that these things include. If you think about all you know on the topic, can you really imagine fitting that into one neatly tied box of a talk?
Start when they are infants and toddlers with physical body awareness. Kids notice their body parts at very early ages and we need to be careful to teach them healthy self-esteem about their bodies. If you show embarrassment about their curiosity or questions, they will learn to be embarrassed.
Use appropriate terminology and throw the nicknames out the window – not only are they not really cute, but they can be confusing as time goes on for your kids. Woo-hoo and cha-cha-cha are more like beverages and dance moves, not body parts.
Get Some Back-Up
Get some back-up. This doesn’t mean you should buy one book, show it to them once when they are 12, then store it on the top of the refrigerator, telling them it is there when they need it, but clearly letting them know that it can and will be dusted for fingerprints if ever they dare to take another peek. Use books and watch age appropriate programming about sex education together.
I have been thankful for the series by Stan and Brenna Jones, God’s Design for Sex Series, that we started with our toddlers. This particular series starts with a book called the Story of Me (intended for ages 3-5), in which children are introduced to a story of a baby’s birth from a mother’s perspective. The next book, Before I was Born, moves forward in the details of conception and birth. One of my all-time favorite memories of motherhood came after reading that book to my children. After hearing how a woman’s body changed to allow a baby to be born, my 5-year-old son immediately piped up and said, “I am SO glad I’m not a woman.” I reassured him about the process, but we still giggle over his discovery that nature is not always painless.
I also have the Usborne What’s Happening to Me? books for both boys and girls and have found them to answer some of the questions I hadn’t even thought of asking at the time. While giving our kids books on the subject might seem old-school, it truly depends on how you utilize the tools. If you mysteriously hand the books over to your kids, tell them to read them and ask any questions later, then return the book to the highest shelf in the office, yep – it’s your father’s old method. If, however, you keep the books as a part of your family reading collections you keep the stigma away. No matter your theological views, there are books that will fit your family’s needs.
Keep Talking
Take advantage of all of the times when sexual references are made on television, in the news, in music, or even seen on the streets while you are out running errands with your kids. They notice, but often won’t say anything if they feel you are trying to do your best ostrich impersonation. Acknowledge what is right in front of them ALL the time in society and provide your own personal beliefs to the package. Your kids will learn what your ideas are and learn that you are open for conversation.
Don’t show your fear! Your kids will smell your fear a mile away and start their own shut-down mode. Even if they react to your conversations with indifference, they are listening. The older they get the more difficult they might find it to express themselves, but they will hear your words and keep them tucked away for when they need them.
Make a Commitment
Make a commitment with your partner to be proactive about the health of your kids, including sex education and awareness. My husband and I were both very adamant with each other that we wanted more for our kids than we experienced – we wanted them to be comfortable with themselves, confident in their knowledge, and to share a close relationship with us so that we could help teach them about all aspects of life. If we don’t do it, someone else will, and that is a much scarier thought than doing it ourselves.
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