Healthy Friendships for Kids

Tags: friends, friendships, healthy friendships, kids and friends, toxic friends

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Helping Children Navigate the Struggles of Friendships

Friends – from the preschoolers who share sandbox toys to the teens who share secrets, these can be the people who help our children learn more about themselves and grow to be healthy adults. As much as we might want our children to grow to be strong, independent people, the reality is that humans are social creatures that rely and thrive on close interpersonal relationships. Studies have even shown that as people age, they are 22% more likely to live longer if they have safe, secure, nurturing friendships when compared to those without these connections. For centuries humans have lived and moved as social creatures, and our children are no exception to these formations of relationships.

How can we teach our children the values of friendship?

To have a friend you must be a friend. It really is a true phrase, but it is not enough to simply hang a note with it as a reminder on the fridge and expect our children to develop into good, nurturing friends. Like so many things in life one of the best ways to teach our children how to be good friends is to be in healthy friendships ourselves.

• Talk with your kids about why you value your friends.
• Engage your kids in your own friendships – they don’t have to come for coffee with you but they should know who this person is and why you love getting coffee with her.
• Show your children how you are a good friend. Perhaps your friend is ill so you take her family a meal, or maybe you send a daily joke or prayer by email. Let your kids know why you take this extra time.
• Let your kids know why your friendships struggle. You don’t have to engage your kids into the gory adult details, but you can talk about bigger issues of trust, respect, and support that affect friendships.
• Admit to your kids when you make mistakes with friends, and show them how you make amends.
• Help your child recognize healthy friendships and be watchful that they are being good friends as well.

Healthy Friendships

Encourage and reward healthy behaviors. If your child declines to join in a group and tease another child, a true friend would walk away with your child, not criticize her for declining to join in this behavior.

Help kids face adverse situations. Adversity comes in many forms, but true friends

Don’t require your child to change who he is in order to be good enough.

Toxic Friendships

“People with social connections feel more relaxed and at peace.” says Tasha Howe, PhD. Unfortunately this is not always true and there are times in our lives when we realize that either our own or the friendships our kids have with others are not healthy. These friendships become increasingly unbalanced, and the benefits no longer outweigh the energy required to sustain them.

It is hard to lose a friend, but I think even more difficult to watch our children struggle with their own friendships and relationships. In an age when kids are going through a social revolution of technology enriched and affected relationships, we need to be careful as parents and caregivers that we watch for signs that our children are in friendships that are more detrimental than bountiful.

Toxic Friends Are

• Unsupportive and critical
• Draining of energy and self-esteem
• Unequal in their treatment of your child or others
• Unsatisfied with what your child has to offer as a person
• Smothering in demands of time, expectations, or energy
• Unenthusiastic for the accomplishments of those they call friends

Signs Your Child Has Toxic Friendships

• Your child displays more behavior problems after spending time with this friend.
• Your child is more critical of herself and has lower self-esteem after spending time with this friend.
• Your child is often adjusting his own beliefs to match his friend’s.
• Your child seems more focused on pleasing this friend than on staying true to herself.
• Your child has lowered her standards for herself and others after being in this relationship.

There will be struggles and changes in friendships for your children, just as there are struggles and friendships in their lives. Sometimes in their lives the most pain has come from those who they considered to be friends, but I know that these moments are also teaching them important lessons about friendships they will need the rest of their lives. As I have watched my own kids evolve as friends, I have also watched them be blessed with solid, secure, and caring relationships. One of the biggest gifts a parent can receive is a true friend for their child. Thanks to all my kids’ true friends (and their parents for teaching them the values of friendship)!

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Family is our choice. Those were the words my 8 year-old posed to me recently. He was making the eloquent argument for why he thought one ginormous celebratory party was in order for his birthday. While typically we give the kids a choice for birthday parties – friends at the zoo or a sleepover, family over for dinner and cake – my son challenged my definition of family. He made his invitation list and when I looked I saw that he had included aunts, uncles, cousins, and entire families – not just the children with whom he plays. I gave a gentle reminder to him that he could do something with friends for his birthday or have family over to celebrate. He looked at me, titled his adorable head, and taught me a lesson.

Mom. You are the one who always says we can make our own families. We can treat our friends like family. I don’t want anyone to feel left out, so I want everyone I consider family to be invited.

Hmmmm. I thought about all of those people in my smallish country home. In a Minnesota winter. He saw an opening in my hesitation and pursued.

Mom. Roman (our dear friend) is our family. You even said so. He celebrates Christmas with us.

It is true – when my children created their family tree as a genealogy project they added Roman, who good-naturedly agreed that he would play the part of the tree house.

Mom. You say that family is what we make of it. Our friends are our family. Besides. Some of my family aren’t really my friends.

Spoken with the honesty of youth.

Most people (99.8%) by definition consider a married couple with children to be a traditional family. Even a married couple without children is considered by 92% to qualify as a family. A report from ABC News gave the rundown of the modern American definitions of families.

• 39.96% of people believe that an unmarried couple living together is a family.
• 83% of people believe that if you add kids to that unmarried, cohabitating couple that it becomes a family.
• 64% of people surveyed felt that a gay couple raising children together qualified as a family.
• 51% of people believe that pets are included in the definition of family.
• And 60% of people agree with my 8-year-old – if you consider yourself a family, you are a family.

Other more scientific studies conclude that families do not necessarily have to share biological ties, but they do share similar goals. Protection, sheltering, and providing food are all qualities of family members according to Dr. Murray Bowen. He claims that family members interact with each other throughout series of reciprocal interactions (you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours), and that at times they can live under the “same emotional skin.”

The definition of family in America and the world is evolving, both legally and socially. Just watch the popular show Modern Family and you can see signs of these changes. Research does show that family engagement – the active participation in family structures – is beneficial to everyone involved, but especially the development of children.

So as I looked at my child who was clearly forming his own definition of family I realized that somewhere along the way my own had adjusted as well. I grew up in a huge crazy Irish-German family, and always had plenty of cousins – more than 50 in all – to go around. I love that family. But I also love the family I have created with my husband, our children, and our dear friends.

The house filled with our eclectic family for the party, and the Minnesota winter was kind to our crowded party and gave us 60 degree temperatures so we could spill comfortably outside and into the yard. I looked at the faces of my brother and sister, nephews, Roman, and all of the other friends gathered to celebrate and I made my own wish as my son blew out the candles on his cake. I hope my children always have this feeling of family, no matter how it comes to be.

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Mom’s Most Important Business Partner: Dad

Tags: dads helping moms, partners and parents, work-at-home, work-at-home mom, working mom

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Why your spouse can be the best asset to your work-at-home job

Work-at-home mom is redundant. It implies that there are moms, and then there are moms with jobs that require work. However, I still can recognize the inherent differences and I consider myself a work-at-home mom because I have outside work for which I am responsible (and I don’t mean the lawn – although I am responsible for that, too). As a work-at-home mom I spend a good chunk of time at the computer writing, on the sofa editing, and in the kitchen sticking notes on the counter as I brainstorm my way through the supper dishes. For the most part I cloud commute, rarely meeting clients face-to-face, but I do occasionally have meetings and appointments that take me away from home. Add in to these responsibilities my main job as Mom, and homeschool Mom on top of that, and I absolutely couldn’t do it without the cooperation of my husband.

This year my husband honored me with a mug emblazoned with Domestic Engineer across it, and we shared a smile as we both recalled the times that aren’t so easy (or fun) when moms like me try to find their way into their roles of work-at-home moms. Along the way I’ve developed some strategies and realized some important lessons when it comes to work and my most valuable partner – my husband.

Be Proactive

Being a work-at-home mom requires the scheduling dexterity of a time-savvy ninja and the energy of an 8 year-old who was fed caffeinated pop at Grandma’s. Sit down and have a positive, non-accusing conversation with your partner and explain your workload. If he is gone during a portion of the day he simply is not there to understand what your needs and goals are. Don’t wait until you are frustrated with an overload and you explode sticky notes and dirty laundry all over the place.

Be Specific

Don’t just say you have work to do and you need some quiet time. Say, “I have at least 3 hours of editing (or whatever your task might be). Please take the kids out of the house from 4-7 so that I can complete this work and meet my deadline.” If you need his help finishing the load of laundry, doing the dishes, or driving the kids to and from practice, be specific and don’t expect him to read your mind and your hectic schedule.

Be Thankful

If your partner listens to your needs or anticipates your needs and actively helps you accomplish what you need to do, let him know! Tell him right away how much you appreciate his efforts. Then make sure you also regularly acknowledge those efforts by reciprocating in some way. Sometimes I even just tuck notes inside my husband’s briefcase that let him know I noticed and was thankful for something as simple as how he swiftly ushered the kids outside when I received an unexpected business call.

Be Present

If you say that you have 3 hours of work to complete that evening, don’t suddenly look up after spending 5 hours at the computer and wonder why he might be upset. Make sure you find a way to devote time and energy to your partner like he sees you devoting to your work. I appreciate it when my husband comes home from work and puts the laptop away for the evening and devotes time to us as a family. It can be challenging when my work always just seem to be here for me to do the same, but I need to be conscious of not letting the lines between work and family get too blurred.

Working at home while actively being a mom is rewarding, exhausting, and empowering. Without the support of my husband, it would be too overwhelming to do each day, and impossible to do well at all.

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And They’ll Quit Acting Like Crazy Teens

If you’re the parent of a tween or teen, it might be hard to imagine a society where those turbulent years don’t exist. But did you know that some societies in the world don’t even have adolescents? They completely skip this phase of growth – moving their children right into adulthood. Teenage years exist for chronological purposes, but not for a stage in life characterized by unbridled teenage tantrums, social experimenting gone awry, and irresponsible behaviors.

An article by Robert Epstein, Let’s Abolish High School, discusses an interesting theory. The teenage years are turbulent because we force teens to conform to the regulation and mundane madness of high school when they are actually capable of entering the adult world. Eighteen is the magic number in America – when you can vote, obtain certain jobs, or sign a rental agreement. However, years ago the teenage years were a time when people got married, had full-time jobs, and moved into their own, individual lives. Were they forced into this too early, or are we now holding kids back?

The argument is made by Epstein and within the research he cites that the increasing levels of restrictions we are placing on children are resulting in children who are infantilized – forced to remain at immature levels longer than necessary, or even healthy. In Epstein’s research he notes that teens today have twice the number of restrictions on them as incarcerated felons. They are in essence shackled by the lack of faith and trust we have in their abilities and maturity. Teenagers actually possess strengths that far surpass those of some “adults” in several areas: memory, intelligence, and perception.

An absolutely fascinating study from Harvard in the 1980s shows that as Western models of schooling (our traditional brick and mortar, grouped by age, compulsory attendance models) increase, so does teenage turbulence. In societies that adopt Western education methods, teenagers act like – well – teenagers. But in societies that allow for the freedom of the differences in learning styles, motivations, and circumstances of teens, the word teenagers does not conjure up images of reckless and combatant individuals. The social and emotional craziness of adolescents we see in countries like America are direct results of how we separate teenagers from the real world.

Imagine you are holding back a lion. The lion has strength, drive, motivation, and determination, but you don’t let it go after what it wants to pursue. It will fight you, scratch you, and search for a way to get free. After so many years of searching it is finally released – not because of behavior or earning a level of trust – but simply because it remained caged for a specified period of time. Maybe it lost motivation, a sense of direction, or has become frustrated and lashes out, or even just got bored and began bad habits. Our children might sometimes act like beasts because we treat them as such. We fear their fearlessness.

How Can We Leave Turbulent Teen Years Behind?

I’m not saying my 13-year-old is ready to rule the world, get a full-time job, and leave on a cross-country adventure. However, as a homeschool parent, I can attest to the power of self-directed learning and pursuing opportunities that interest the individual. It is the private joke among homeschoolers that our children never quite know in what grade they are, because we don’t define them so rigidly. When we stop leading our kids every moment of every single day, they can achieve far more than we give them credit for in typical circumstances.

Give them responsibilities. It is scary in this world where we see dark demons around every virtual corner, but we can’t prepare our kids for life beyond age 17 if we only keep them sheltered. Responsibilities are different from free reign – responsibilities like jobs at home and in the neighborhood build character and skills. Free reign is a teenage disaster waiting to happen.

Push for competency based progression. Our education system is built on compulsory rules – attend school for so many hours each day for each year of your life until you are a legal adult. Then you are magically ready. This method doesn’t teach children how to learn or how to love learning, it just forces them to be present – sometimes with no participation required. Competency based models of education allow for students to move forward when they are ready, in directions they wish to pursue.

Give them incentives. Our current methods don’t motivate our teens to progress. When they are given the freedoms to move in their own directions, they receive the responsibilities that go with those freedoms. For some kids this might mean moving through school at a faster rate, or for others it might be the opportunity to start their own business. (Sometimes the fastest way kids learn they need an education is to be set upon the world without one.)

Homeschooling is not for everyone – not every child or every parent. However, it does reflect one model of effective learning. The advances in virtual classrooms and more individualized programs (in a way a throwback to the days of apprenticeships), can make it possible for our children to grow to be contributing, happy, productive adults. Even if some of that happens before they blow out 18 candles.

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17 Fun St. Patrick’s Day Activities for Kids

Tags: celebrate with kids, holidays, st patricks day, st. patrick’s day crafts

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Celebrate Spring with St. Patrick’s Day Stories, Games, and Crafts

St. Patrick’s Day is one of my favorite holidays – it represents my Irish heritage, but it is also a wonderful time as a mom to have some good old fashioned fun with my children. Each year we like to get creative, get green, and celebrate in style. Try some of these ideas for your own St. Patrick’s Day celebration – even if you’re not Irish. Celebrating holidays with your kids is an easy and memorable way to connect with them and the world around your family.

1. Share a story about St. Patrick. No matter what your religious beliefs might be, the story of St. Patrick can spark both the imagination and curiosity of your child. Find a book at your library or watch these cute videos for kids. The first is a Veggie Tale rendition, and the next is a creative twist with LEGOs. 
2. Go green. Color can be an effective visual tool for kids. Encourage them to wear green clothing, and don some yourself. If your wardrobe is short on this traditional emerald-isle color, grab some green construction paper and help your little one make a leprechaun hat for the occasion.
3. Learn about leprechauns. Share this fun information with your kids and encourage them to come up with ideas about where a leprechaun could hide gold in your house. 
4. Paint a rainbow (and leave a treasure). The easiest way I have found for little ones to paint a sturdy rainbow is to take a paper plate and cut it in half, then trim out a half circle from the middle of one half to achieve the rainbow shape. These paper-plate rainbows are usually sturdy enough after the paint dries to hang them with ribbon or string from a window or doorway. St. Patrick’s Day morning, leave behind a treasure cup for your child at the end of the rainbow!
5. Make a pot of gold. Take an empty baby food jar and have your child paint it black. Take gold or yellow mini craft pom-poms and have your child glue them in a stack on top of the lid to represent the gold, or even take cottons balls and glue sequins or glitter on top of the cotton. For the treasure have family members write what they love about each other on strips of paper and place them in the jar.
6. Trap a leprechaun. Get out the blocks, craft supplies, or even LEGOs and challenge your kids to use their budding engineering skills to create a leprechaun trap. Your child can take an empty shoe box and decorate it with enticing symbols and colors, then prop it up with a stick or other object. Have your child leave a trail of Lucky Charms cereal to the box and wait for the sneaky leprechaun to take the bait!
7. Visit Ireland (virtually). Ireland is a beautiful land full of history. Get out the globe, some maps, and visit Ireland online with your kids.  
8. Play Leapin’ Leprechauns. Leprechauns have to move quickly and quietly. Set up an obstacle course for your kids in the backyard and give each child a plastic spoon with either a gold craft pom-pom or yellow cotton ball on top (to represent the pot of gold). The challenge is to make it through the obstacle course without dropping the treasure (craft pom-pom) from the spoon. Give extra points for kids who can remain quiet – leprechauns always want to carry their treasure with them and stay as quiet as possible around humans!
9. Make a Blarney Stone. I just even love the name of this one! The Blarney Stone is a stone that is set in a rock in Blarney Castle in Ireland, and legend has it that kissing the Blarney Stone will give the kisser the ability to be a smooth talker – or as we call it in our house – full of blarney. Help your kids find a rock and let them paint it (like an Irish version of a pet rock). Some kids find it fun to put lipstick on and kiss the rock, leaving their telltale lip prints of the proof that they are full of blarney.
10. Cook a traditional meal. Cabbage and corned beef are the traditional menu items, but you can also add in items like potatoes, soda bread, and supplement with fun sides like kid-friendly grasshopper shakes. Take ice cream or yogurt and blend with milk, peppermint flavoring, and green food coloring for a festive treat!
11. Decorate with clovers. The clover is a symbol of St. Patrick’s Day because the legend is that St. Patrick used the clover to teach about the Trinity – the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. Show your kids how to make paper heart cut outs from green paper and add 3 together to make a shamrock. Make a string of them to hang as garland from doorways. Kids can also create their own placemats with shamrock stickers or by taking heart shaped cookie cutters and using them as stencils – drawing 3 of them slightly overlapping as if the bottom point of the hearts formed the center of the shamrock.
12. Bake a lucky treat. Talk about why the shamrock represents Ireland and St. Patrick with your kids and then take a can of premade pizza crust/breadstick dough and help your child roll the dough and form pretzel shapes with them. Sprinkle with your favorite seasonings and bake as directed. The 3 arms of the pretzel shape also represent the idea of the Trinity.
13. Listen to Irish music. My children have grown up on Irish tunes, as I did as a child. There are some fun and lively selections, as well as contemplative ones that reflect some of the more difficult times in Irish heritage. The following are some great classics:
1. Danny Boy
2. Marvelous Toy
3. An Irish Lullaby
14. Make a snake craft. St. Patrick was credited with driving the snakes out of Ireland. This is an easy snake craft made from a TP roll for the kids to wear on their arms.
15. Attend a parade (or make one yourselves). Many cities have St. Patrick’s Day parades, but if you don’t have one near you, help your kids create one for your family, or even your neighborhood. Of course anything green is a great place to start!
16. Send the kids on a scavenger hunt for gold (chocolate). This is a great activity for kids of all ages. Emerging readers can decipher picture clues, and older children can be challenged with codes and complicated clues. For a family friendly event, create different clues for different people, that way you can customize the levels, but have everyone work together toward the same goal.
17. Discover your own heritage as a family! I’ve always known I was partly of Irish heritage, and I have wanted to pass that along to my children. Use your local historical society and great tools online to learn more about your family history. Even if there isn’t a drop of Irish, you’re bound to find more ways to celebrate together as a family!  

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Teaching Kids Non-Verbal Communication

Tags: better communication, communicating with boys, communicating with kids, communicating with teens, communication, non-verbal communication

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My kids say they know my looks. There is the look that says “Who just shot me in the butt with a Nerf dart?” and the one that says “You are one of my favorite people in the world.” Non-verbal communication is a key component for connecting with and understanding the world around us. As parents there are several ways we can increase our children’s understanding of non-verbal cues and help them to use them every day, starting when they are just babies in our arms.

• Look at your baby in the eyes when you talk to her, and don’t be afraid to make faces (the bigger the better!). Infants take special cues from our facial expressions. When our daughter was just weeks old I remember the joy my husband had when he got her to mimic his facial movements – elongated “O” with his mouth and nose scrunches drew the most attention from her.
• Use voice inflections that match your physical actions. If you are really happy, let your voice sound like it and make sure you do things like smile and give reaffirming nods.
• Play charades. Acting out words, phrases, and situations helps give kids tools for understanding and demonstrating non-verbal cues.
• Flip through a picture book or magazine with your child and ask him what he thinks the people are feeling or doing in each picture. Encourage him to make up a story about where the person might be going or thinking in the scene.
• Play the emotion game. Take a list of emotion words (excited, frustrated, embarrassed, etc.) and put them on individual slips of paper. Take turn drawing out a word and giving clues to the other person without using words. This is a great game to demonstrate how our body language on the outside can show how we are feeling on the inside.
• Watch a silent movie together. The non-verbal cues in these were tremendous, and the new film The Artist (for older kids) brings them back to life for us.
• Use white face paint and have fun together as mimes and exagerrated expressions.

Why is non-verbal communication so important?

Communication is a key component of any healthy relationship, and this includes the understanding of giving and receiving non-verbal cues. Researchers have noticed that those kids who tend to have a harder time fitting in – are maybe a little more awkward than their peers – are often the same kids who lack non-verbal communication skills.

Children who are not equipped with all of the tools needed for clear and healthy communication are at higher risks for social and emotional difficulties. These can even include children who suffer from depression or are more likely to engage in risky behaviors. They just don’t understand the world around them and how they do or don’t fit into it.

According to Nonverbal Communication: Teaching Your Child the Skills of Social Success, by Cynthia Burggraf Torppa, Ph.D., there are different types of non-verbal communication that we need to include in our own ways we react, especially with our children so they can learn from us. These include:

• Appropriate facial expressions
• Awareness of personal space
• Awareness of appropriate touch
• Representation of ourselves through objects (how we dress, comb our hair, etc.)
• Representation of time (rushing, interrupting, respecting the time of others, etc.)
• Paralanguage (tone, projection, and intensity of our voices)

Communicating with kids isn’t always easy, so we need every extra tool we can get. So the next time I hear my kids say, “Uh-oh, Mom has that look,” I guess I should just smile and be happy they know what it means. However, if I smile they might think that my butt is an approved target for Nerf darts – which it is most definitely not.

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The Effects of Holding Kids Back for Kindergarten

Kindergarten just isn’t about colors, shapes, and numbers anymore. Unless the numbers you are talking about are the ages of the kids entering class. More Safer recently reported on 60 Minutes about the increasing trend of parents redshirting – holding their very young 5 year olds back and not entering them into kindergarten until age 6.

Author Malcom Gladwell wrote in his book Outliers about the cumulative advantage that children receive when beginning kindergarten later. If your child is older in kindergarten class, he will most likely be a little more ready to read. In 1^st grade that translates into a little more ready for higher reading courses, and in 2^nd grade a little more ready for social studies, and so on. Some even propose the idea that simply because the children are slightly taller they are perceived in their class to be more capable, and this translates into academics, among other things. It is the proverbial leg-up that children are being given, by well-intentioned parents, who want their kids to have every extra morsel of advantages.

These advantages extend beyond the academics, however, and into popularity issues, athletics, and even the psychological effects of not being able to get a driver’s license along with peers in order to drive on dates. The physical abilities of children when it comes to such things as dexterity and coordination are different from year to year, so older children on average can have more advantages when it comes to sports.

Where has Kindergarten Gone?

The world of kindergarten has moved beyond colors and letters, and along with increasing demands of standardized testing and more rigorous curriculum, parents are increasing their pleas to have their children ready for those challenges.

• The incidences of redshirting have tripled since the 1970s.
• Boys are twice as likely to be redshirted.
• White children are more likely to be redshirted.
• Wealthy children are more likely to be redshirted.
• As many as ¼ of kindergarten classes have redshirted children.

These numbers show the irony of redshirting being done by parents who have the least likelihood to have children to need it. Families with lower incomes are not as equipped to pay for daycare or expensive preschool costs for an extra year, so kindergarten entrance at age 5 becomes financially needed.

Parents interviewed by Shafer who chose to redshirt their children expressed their innate desire to give their children every advantage possible, even if it seems that it actually puts other children at a disadvantage. It might still be called kindergarten, but if it continues to filled with older and older children, is it still the same introductory class that it used to be? Hardly.

What Are the Consequences of Redshirting?

Yes – there is evidence that children who were redshirted go on to be more athletically capable and possess greater positions of leadership while in high school. These are the driving forces behind parents who choose this education path.

However, other researchers point to the negative consequences of redshirting, such as boredom and lack of initiative. If things always come a little bit easier for your child because he was the oldest and biggest in the class, he might grow to be less motivated, less capable of facing challenges, and less likely to be able to succeed in the real world where we aren’t divided by strict age guidelines.

As a homeschool parent we have seen these issues first-hand. Not persuaded by “what everyone else is doing”, we move our children through their academics at a pace that fits them. For my oldest son this meant me reporting him as a kindergartner to the school district when he was 4 – because he was ready. As a very athletic child, he is now as an 8^th grader almost always the youngest on his team – by 2 years in many cases as he goes up against those kids who were redshirted. It might be athletically easier for him to be competing against boys his own age, but my goals as a parent aren’t to make things easier or remove challenges. My goals are to teach my kids to find ways to meet challenges head-on while becoming their own unique individual people.

Were we not to homeschool I might have felt more inclined to just start him in kindergarten at age 5, but homeschooling has allowed us to clearly see that when kids aren’t pressured and influenced by the status of the their peers, that they can actually progress at levels that are more natural, and in many cases, more advanced. So, yes, he is the youngest and often on the smaller spectrum of his teammates in 8^th grade, but in virtually every other way he is maturing beyond his grade level.

If the move by parents is to wait on kindergarten because now kindergarten is about more than shapes and letters, maybe we need to be more focused on realigning kindergarten to reflect the realistic capabilities of children than parents are on realigning their children to be the best in the class. We aren’t raising show ponies – we are developing people.

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Teenagers can be bullied, teased, and taunted online – just one of the unfortunate and frustrating side-effects of living in a technologically advanced age. However, one of the saddest components to these trends is the number of children who are in essence seeking out these reactions, amid others, by asking a world of strangers, “Am I Pretty?”

As a woman, mother, and aunt it is painful to hear of the new numbers – one YouTube video garnishing some 4 million+ views – of girls in particular who are seeking some sort of response to this question. Girls who are even younger than the supposed restricted age minimum guideline of 13 are posting videos on YouTube accounts where they pose, some suggestively, and ask viewers to let them know if they think they are pretty or ugly. The responses are for the most part ugly.

Insults, threats, and degrading comments such as “You need a hug.. around your neck.. with a rope..” are just some of the thousands of responses these young girls are getting. Some commentators are obviously hoping to do more than insult these young posters, writing invitations to show more provocative pictures and engage in inappropriate behaviors.

Why are children posting these videos?

In order to help stop this trend before it becomes an epidemic, as parents we need to understand why these kids would post videos asking the world to judge their physical attributes. While not all of these kids post for the same reason, many of the reasons overlap.

Attention

Kids know the internet is a great way to get attention, and as much we might not want to admit it, attention feels good. Unfortunately kids more than adults also seem to thrive on negative attention, because any form of it is better than no form at all. While we might cringe at the idea of a stranger on a different continent commenting on the dimple on our face in a suggestive way, kids can learn to get a euphoric high from having people, especially those who might seem more mature online, paying attention to them.

Distraction

Adolescence is a time of change and sometimes that change can be overwhelming. Living in a virtual world allows our kids to feel safer, meaningful, or more powerful. However, these false worlds that are created often don’t build their self-esteem or character.

Ignorance

This goes for children as well as parents. Children just don’t understand the implications of opening up oneself in the online world, especially in such a personal way. The consequences are not tangible to them until it is all too often beyond repair. Parents are also ignorant – of their children’s online activities and the repercussions of unfettered internet access for youth.

What should parents do?

Many parents aren’t even aware of what their children are doing, which is a huge portion of this problem. What perhaps bothered me most when I heard of this new trend was the reaction of one mom who did find out what her daughter was doing. Naomi Gibson, whose daughter is in one such Am I Ugly? Post, was at first unaware of the situation. However, when news sources brought it to her attention, she wasn’t going to commit to requiring her daughter to remove the post.

What? I tried to imagine myself in her position as a parent. It is frightening enough to think that I wouldn’t even know my child was posting videos like these that are being viewed by thousands.  Then I have to ask myself a question: Would I really be OK with my child leaving such a posting on YouTube? Absolutely not! For her safety, self-identity, and future implications that posting would be removed sooner than I could unplug the computer and find the camcorder.

My kids have computers and internet access, and I can’t even count how many times my younger kids have asked for a Facebook or YouTube account like their older siblings. But I don’t give in to the pressure, from them or society. There are reasons why there are age restrictions, and there are reasons why I even go beyond those in my own parenting rules. The rules aren’t made to make my children’s lives more exciting or boring – they are there to keep them safe and experience the world through age-appropriate lenses.

We might tell our kids that the opinions of strangers shouldn’t matter, but this isn’t enough. We need to find ways to take away the power that comes from acceptance by these strangers. We need to help our kids find healthy, safe, giving activities that enrich their lives and the lives of others. They can use technology safely, with guidance and diligent observations by us – the parents.

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The United States spends more money per student than any other country on the entire planet. Our children should be scoring the highest, getting the best grades, and having the brightest futures. That would be true if all of that money was well spent, and if money was the only thing that mattered.

The documentary, The Cartel, demonstrates just how poorly that money is spent, and just how horrifically those situations are affecting the children of the United States. Even though we as a nation are spending more than any other, we are ranked below 23 other countries in terms of proficiency and test scores for our students. Director Bob Bowdon shows the stark truth when it comes to the financial failures of American education.

Do American Students Make the Grade?

The Nation’s Report Card (NAEP) shows startling numbers for our children’s education and achievement (or lack thereof). If you go to this site you will see the skewed representation of the test results for each state. Bar and line graphs are given for various achievements, but if you look close enough you can see that while the bars might reach the top of the graph, perhaps in the Science section for 4^th graders in Florida, the top of the bar graph only goes to 160. The problem? The total score possible for this section is 300! This example is true for every state where numbers are available.

According to Bowdon’s research, only 37% of high school seniors in the United States can read and write at or above an 8^th grade level. Proficiency in math and reading on a national average is well below 50%. The NAEP website touts the claim “Mathematics scores for 9- and 13-year-olds higher than in all previous assessment years.” While this might sound promising and as if the children are doing remarkably well, the reality is that in 1973, the average score was 219 and in 2008 the average score was 243. Yes – this is an increase, however, once again, these test scores are out of a total 500 points – we’re not even half-way there, yet.

So – do American students make the grade? No -which means we as a nation that is responsible for the education and future of our children are not making the grade, either.

What About the Financing of Education?

We are the leading spender on education per student in the world. Since money obviously can’t buy good test scores, let’s take a look at where all of this money, our money, is going. The Cartel took the great state of New Jersey to spearhead the look at the failing education spending programs in our country.

• The state of New Jersey leads the country in education spending, yet in 2007 only 39% of the students from here were proficient in reading, and just 40% in math.
• In 2007 the average teacher’s salary was $55,000, but each classroom incurred $258,000 in overhead fees (and we aren’t talking about schools with state of the art technology).
• The Camden school district was investigated for falsifying test scores so that the achievements of students would come under less scrutiny.
• School districts in NJ have been investigated for fraud, theft, and other illegal and inappropriate uses of educational funding.
• Phantom salaries were paid to phantom teachers in NJ – just one of many corrupt examples of lost money.
• One teacher admitted that after 17 years of teaching, he was only doing so with a reading level of 3^rd or 4^th grade, and that he had taken numerous shortcuts in his role of teacher in order to keep his job.

While these instances shown in The Cartel are definitely dramatic, it is not as if New Jersey is an island floating in a country of amazing and upstanding educational practices. One of the most dangerous things we are doing as a nation is letting teachers’ unions have so much control over the future of our children.

• Tenure protects teachers beyond a reasonable doubt, and protects bad teachers as equally as amazing ones.
• Teacher records are sealed. A teacher “resigning” after allegations of misconduct can move to another district and apply for a new job with no mention of past behaviors.
• School districts cannot often afford the litigation expenses involved with attempting to remove poor performing (or even illegally or inappropriately behaving) teachers.

Something has to change in order for the children in our country to receive quality educations. It doesn’t require more money, or even more testing. It requires taking away the ability of school districts and the teachers’ union to misuse funds, keep bad teachers, and turn the other way when students are failing. They are failing. One look at the real numbers shows that not half of our children are adequately educated to compete in a global setting. But we are the ones failing the kids. We need to do something different, something better, if we truly want something better for our kids.

The Cartel might be one of the most depressing documentaries you will watch on modern education, but it is well worth the time.

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It is not my job to make my children happy – although I sincerely hope that each and every day they can find happiness. As parents we sometimes get the mixed message that we are supposed to kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. The problem with this philosophy, however, is that when we take the role as fixer, we take away the opportunities for our kids to learn tools and skills for dealing with disappointment. The truth is that we need to teach our kids to find their own happiness – we can’t create that pretense for them.

There will be disappointments in life for our kids. As much as I wish they didn’t have to go through the pain, I know that it will be far better to prepare them with healthy ways to deal with disappointment than to always try to take away their pain. Some parents might find this harsh – instead wanting to turn every possibility of pain into smooth roads. While this might provide immediate relief, it does not provide long term solutions.

Author Elizabeth Crary, M.S., has written on various parenting topics, including Dealing with Disappointment, where she describes the importance for parents of equipping children with tools to deal with this inevitable piece of life. She includes chapters for parents where we can take self-assessments for how we react to our children as they face disappointing situations. In essence, these assessments measure our parenting styles.

Do you try to overcompensate for the disappointment?

Quickly offer replacements or better offers, such as a new and improved toy for a lost one or an over-the-top day at the mall when not invited to a classmate’s party. This response might make our kids feel better in the short run, and we feel better when they feel better.

Do you try to distract your child from the disappointment?

Dismiss the disappointment by not really acknowledging it and pushing them to move past it as quickly as possible to avoid the discomfort. I think I see men using this approach more, trying to distract their children from the sad or uncomfortable situation.

Do you chastise your child for their expressions of disappointment?

Tell him to quit crying, get over it, or otherwise dismiss the pain that the disappointment brings. Sometimes parents see their children’s reactions to disappointment as overly dramatic or “not fitting the crime” and want to let them know that their reactions are not warranted.

Do you encourage your child to do something about the disappointment?

Offer healthy choices, such as going for a walk to think about it or asking your child to share her feelings about the situation, acknowledging them without judgment. This approach usually takes time and patience, but has increased long-term benefits.

Dealing with Disappointments through Emotion Coaching

If you chose this last option as the one you are most likely to follow when your child faces disappointment, you are most likely practicing emotion coaching. Emotion coaching means teaching your children the vocabulary and actions that honor and respect emotions. While it might feel like we are acting out of love if we try to take away the pain our children face in their disappointments, we can actually be much more loving by being their support system and encouraging healthy, emotionally secure responses.

Recently my youngest had to deal with a disappointment that just didn’t seem fair. For weeks he had planned his birthday party, and we had just shopped for decorations and cake mixes. The day before his 9^th birthday party he woke up with a raging fever. I knew from the fact that his siblings were just recovering from their own severe colds that this was not going to be a one-day fluke. He knew right away what his fever meant, and even though I was aching inside for what I imagined his deflated feelings must be, I waited for him to take the lead.

Of course he was sad, but he was able to use the tools he had learned about disappointments. His siblings and I all told him we understand that he was feeling disappointed and frustrated and acknowledged his feelings, but then he was able to move forward rather quickly. He wanted to see a calendar so we could choose a new date, and then immediately email out a revised invitation. While I admit a part of me wanted to indulge him in a bedside birthday party and shower him with early birthday presents, I knew this wouldn’t help him in the long run. You can’t always have your cake and eat it, too, so you might as well help your kids look for their own ways to savor what is before them, disappointments and all.

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